Saturday, January 13, 2001
Mastering The Art Of Yo-Yo
I'm in that phase or cycle. I call it the yo-yo syndrome. Feel good, feel bad, feel ok, feel good, feel bad.
I spent this morning throwing up everything I hadn't eaten. I think I can almost tolerate pain better than being sick. The funny thing is when your stomach is rolling you're wishing you could just get sick to feel better. It's a vicious cycle.
I think part of my problem is worry. Mom worked yesterday and then came to see me. After that she drove to see my grandpa.
She got back this morning and about 30 minutes after she arrived she got word that my grandpa had quit breathing. She kissed me, squeezed my hand and took off again. Her eyes were like these greenish pools. And she's tired. So I worry about her driving all those miles. And I worry about my grandpa, and my grandma, and all of Mom's family.
After Mom left I got so sick I forgot to pray. I hate to admit that but it's true. Course, that upset me more. I just felt so helpless. Can't help my grandpa, or my mom, or even myself.
Spent the rest of the morning fighting off being sick and telling myself everything would be ok. I finally got word that my grandpa was stablized but still critcal.
Everything sort of kicked in all at once then. My stomach settled down and knowing my grandpa was breathing again was a relief. And I also know mom got there okay. *sigh*
Figures it's raining outside. All gray and drab. That fits somehow.
So I'll master this yo-yo thing before long. I'm getting pretty good at it.
1/13/2001 01:58:35 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, January 12, 2001
And In Other Kaycee News... We Have This Report
We interrupt this program for a Special News Report. Our field reporter KCronkite has the story.
Why, thank you Dan. And may I say you're looking very Clinton-like today. Haha.
Hello Folks. This reporter is stunned, simply stunned by all the developing news. Word here is that Kaycee is at the mercy of the nurses. Yes. Can you believe it? They'll be no KCapers until her jello-ee body solidifies. Let me tell you, the nurses are wearing evil grins this very moment. Could anything be more horrifying than that?? I don't think so.
This reporter did some poking and pouncing around in the buried masses of onekutebabe's e-mail. Yowza! It was stacked to the yazoo with wonderous greetings. All fan-tab-u-lous too. That kutebabe girl was said to be lighting up the power stations with her smile. They finally had to break out sunglasses to keep from being blinded.
In Sports this week:
It seems the basketball craze runs in the family. Little brother scored 11 points and had 15 assists. This reporter thinks big sister taught him well. /wink wink
He's the top 3-point and freethrow shooter on his team, plays point guard and is a dribbling fool. That fact was confirmed by sister Chellabella in her update. Of course we knew she rocked! And she's the one with the deadly *swish, nothing but net* 3-point shot. Makes her big sister look like a wimp. Reports indicate her coach is pushing her to shoot the ball more! You go Girl!!!
In Weather:
We have sunny skies and blue horizens. *pokes head outside* Nope, it's not raining men yet, but maybe anyday now. Haha.
In Fashion:
Although the stor-trooper site has dazzled the sites of many including the lovely and awesome Ms. Amber and Ms. Zee, there are reports a bikerbabe emerged from said site. It's a well kept secret as to where she's hanging out these days. Someone said it served as great amuzement as she poked fun at a Big White Guy who lives in Hong Kong and you don't. Haha. Too funny. But he was kute.
Ack! Dan... can... you... hear... me... I'm... cutting... out... Oh... nooooooooo! *blank screen full of static*
1/12/2001 12:08:44 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Feeling Groovey
I have to give my mom credit. She might actually know what's best for me sometimes.
I say that with a lot of love and respect. I'm feeling better. Not the best, but I'm working on it. My knees feel like jello today.
Ugh... that's why I hate sedatives. But I know I really needed to sleep. I don't really know what happened. I guess I was doing my best looney tune impression.
So smile, the sun's shining. You betcha.
1/12/2001 08:25:02 AM |
° i am the warrior °
My Johns
I told Mom I'd heard from all my Johns yesterday. She told me I might want to keep that to myself. Haha. I know that sounds a little... well yeah, but believe me these Johns are pretty perfect in my book.
There's John and then there's John and then there's John.
Course, they're not really mine but I love 'em so that counts for a little. *hugs and smooches*
I have a lot of men in my life. Maybe that's why I'm so strong. You think? They try to help keep me flying straight:
And Doug, Peter, Chris, Eric, Alex, Chaz, Brandon, Jason, Brett, Eric, Nick, Dev, Robby, Bryan, Bob, Mike... hmmm, and more.
They're all very different but they share something in common. I love each of them. *blows them all a kiss*
Funny - all those men and I'm still single. Something's wrong with that picture. /wink wink
Oh well, I got the love. It's all good.
1/12/2001 07:14:37 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, January 11, 2001
When The Song Fades Into The Night
I wanted to save the world. I tried to help my little corner of it. Maybe that's good enough.
I wanted to watch over and protect my friends and family. I couldn't do that either. I tried with all my heart.
I wanted to give love and sunshine. It's easy to give what comes naturally.
I wanted to end the hurt and heartache. I failed but I never gave up trying. I almost didn't mind being the receiver who got whiplash from all the tackles. I still love football.
I always wanted the happiness of others. It was worth the pain I suffered at other people's hands sometimes. It was a way to learn.
I never wanted anything that wasn't mine. I had this stupid notion that some things were mine but they turned out to belong to someone else. I was the foolish one. Life goes on though.
I wanted to help bring justice. I fought hard but maybe not hard enough. I wonder if I could've done more.
I wanted nothing for myself. Lots of times that's just what I got. But most of the time I walked away the winner. The greatest treasures a person could have: friendships and love.
I wanted a lot of things, but some of those visions are like shattered glass.
I'm trying to find a way to shelter my heart from some pain. It won't happen. I still feel it. It's real and it doesn't go away easily. I'll turn my face toward the sun and hope it eases the ache. It might, given time.
I'm the one standing on the outside looking in, wishing I could change what can't be changed. Thinking how it could've been and how it really is. Unable to touch that part of a special world. Wondering what it would've been like. Silently crying tears no one will ever see. Glad that they can't. Telling myself it isn't unworthiness that brought me here just circumstance. Someday I can look back and smile at the memories.
Not today. Maybe not tomorrow either.
If I peered into your heart, what story would it tell me? I can hear it whispering its song to me. I've always had time to listen. I'll never regret that. I silently heard every tale. I embraced you. I gave you a piece of myself even though you may not have known it. I did it because I cared.
Because love doesn't always have to be a big production for everyone to see. Maybe someday it'll sing its song to you in the moonlight. You'll know it's been there much longer than you realised. When the last chord fades into the night is it gone forever.
1/11/2001 05:50:43 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Tie A Ribbon Around My Heart
I don't know how to make anyone understand. How can I when I don't understand myself?
I want to sleep but it's like I can't. Mom told me... just relax and close my eyes. The sleep will make me stronger.
Trying to explain to Mom and my doctor without sounding crazy has been a problem. Something keeps telling me not to sleep. If I sleep there's no one to keep watch. No one to fight the darkness. No one to keep them from taking me. I'm afraid I'd let them. I'm afraid I don't have the strength to stop them.
I told God to please not take me. I'm just not ready to go. I'm not finished fighting yet. I'm just a little tired that's all. I hear Him telling me to come talk with Him. I told Him I had to keep watch. He said even warriors need to rest. I believe Him but I can't let the torch go out. He'll send someone to keep watch.
I want them all to back up and leave me alone. No more medicine.
If I could, I'd tie a ribbon around my heart to remind me what I'm fighting for. It's hard to remember right now. Am I fighting to find the light again? Is my fight worthy? I'm wounded from the battle and have little strength to raise my sword. Am I defeated? Does a soldier get weary? Where do they go to rest?
This page of my journal is stained with red ink. Scribbles filling lines with nonsense. It makes no sense to me. I came to this place wanting to find a place to rest and all I found was more chaos.
He says, "Come into my open arms so you can rest. To sleep as the sun shines all around me. There's no darkness to stop me."
Maybe it's time to let my friends carry my sword. Just for a little while.
1/11/2001 11:21:17 AM |
° i am the warrior °
*kaycee is having a very difficult time with the increased dosage of chemotherapy.
she is quite sick. she is not eating. food will not stay down. she is also not sleeping, and has become incredibly fatigued.
added to this is her worry for her grandfather, who has just undergone heart bypass surgery and is fighting to hold on. he is debbie's father.
if you pray, i ask you to pray for the following:
- for the side effects of the chemo to cease
- that kaycee will be able to eat and keep the food down
- that kaycee will be able to rest and regain her strength
- for peace of mind for kaycee and debbie
- that debbie's father will recover fully from his surgery with no complications
- for strength of spirit for debbie, whose plate is overflowing with cares and responsibilities
- for strength of spirit for kaycee, as she deals with this round of chemo
- that the chemo will once and for all eradicate all cancer in kaycee's body, that she may regain full health, permanently
i also believe it is time to send encouragement their way. please take a moment, even if you don't know them, to send a note, e-card, uplifting image, what have you, to kaycee and debbie. i know it will be appreciated and it will definitely help them both tremendously. never underestimate the power of kind words.
thank you very much.* ~ bwg
1/11/2001 07:40:34 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, January 10, 2001
One Lonely Tear
I'm really tired.
I want to close my eyes and just rest. I want to shut off my mind. I'd like a switch to do that. Just for a few hours. Please. I'd like to sleep. Close my eyes and drift away into peaceful slumber.
I've been awake... 24 hours... 36 hours... who knows? I lost count. I feel like a zombie... over-medicated to ease the discomforts.
I saw the moon last night glowing so brightly in the sky. I kept blinking my eyes because it looked like a giant star was in front of it. I tried to make my way to the window. I swayed like a tree in slow motion. It took awhile to go the short distance. I had to rest in the chair. I leaned my head back and fought the rolling in my stomach. I kept whispering, "you won't get sick, you won't get sick."
I wanted to stand up but my knees felt like lead weights. There was an aching, it just seemed to flow like a lava lamp up and down within me. I just wanted to see the moon. I wanted to stand there and watch it. But I couldn't. It wasn't an exceptionally huge wish but my body was refusing the commands.
Take me there. I couldn't do that either. I sat in the chair for a long time. Too tired to move. Too tired to think. Too tired to command everything to work together.
I think I got a little confused. I heard a rushing sound like waves rolling back and forth. I honestly thought I was on the beach. For a few seconds I traveled with them hoping they'd take me away from the deserted island I was stranded on. I realised I hadn't traveled anywhere.
The story of one lonely tear.
It came from nowhere and made it's own journey. Chose it's own path. Maybe it's tired too. But it found its way. It took me a little while but I found my way too.
1/10/2001 06:47:58 PM |
° i am the warrior °
The Sound Of Silence
Not feeling so good. Hurt all over. *asks for the goofy gas* /sigh. Gonna crawl under the covers and bury my head to the sound of silence. *puts out her Don't eat, drink, but be merry sign* Time to meditate. Smile for me.
Sounds of Silence
By Simon and Garfunkel
Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.
"Fools," said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets
are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls."
And whisper'd in the sounds of silence.
1/10/2001 05:56:35 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, January 09, 2001
Don't Be KCute With Me
After mom left I was trying to figure out what to do with myself.
I'm feeling really good. Hmm... what'd they put in that chemo this time? Actually it's the same, just more. But they did give me something to take the edge off some of the achiness I'm feeling. Dem bones, dem bones - haha.
Well anyway while I'm trying to figure out what to do I put my new Grateful Dead CD's on. Did I tell you I got some new speakers for Christmas? Well I did and they sound pretty rad on the laptop.
Ah-ha! In came the sub for the night, Caroline. She waltzed in and pointed a finger at me.
"You, Miss Kaycee, I've heard all about. And there'll be no KCapers while I'm on duty."
You know that really sounded like a hidden challenge I just couldn't pass up. I clutched my heart.
"Moi? I'm the calmest person around these parts Sheriff."
Caroline: Sure you are. And I'm Miss Kitty. *meow* (haha...she's funny.) First rule young lady. The music's too loud. Turn it down.
Me: Aren't you a Dead Head? You look like you should be.
Caroline: *trying not to crack a smile* Did you call me a bad name?
As she left she turned the volume down and said, "I have orders to check on you every hour. Count on it."
Ah-ha! *checks her imaginary tigger watch... chuckles evilly* "I'll get you my pretty." Ok I didn't really say it out loud. I spend my time wisely. Pawing around in my meager stash of goodies. Hmm... I'm ready when she returns.
Caroline opened the door almost right on time. A stream of blue silly string hit her right in the *ahem* - ya right there. I laughed so hard at the suprised look on her face I almost fell off my bed. She gave me a really stern look and held out her hand.
Caroline: Cough it over tootsie.
Me: Grrrr... nurses are no fun.
Over the next few hours she took my speakers, my silly string, my CD's, and my Hickory Sticks. I tried to tell her I was just having a little fun. So when she came in the final time I was standing by the window.
Caroline: Kaycee!!!! What are you doing?
Me: What?!! I'm just standing here. What KCrime did I commit?
Ummm... well actually I went to my little closet and found the clothes I arrived here in, so I put 'em on. I also found my sandals, so I put them on too. Caroline looked like she was about to pass out.
Caroline: What are you doing?
Me: What's it look like? I'm running away. I'm just waiting for the bus to arrive.
Course I wasn't but she's just not used to me and my playing around. So she took my clothes to prove who was in charge. A girl just can't have any fun. Later Sharon came on duty. She brought back all my things and told me Caroline hadn't appreciated my sense of humor. *sigh* Oh well.
Just before Sharon left she turned and said, "Oh Kaycee, this is for you." She pulled out a small water pistol and shot me! Mah hahaha. I love Sharon. She's totally kewl. And I deserved that one.
I'll take the fun and laughter tonight because I know what's coming within the next 24 hours. Laugh and smile while you can. It's a good rule to live by.
1/9/2001 10:58:34 PM |
° i am the warrior °
I Wanna Hold Your Hand
Test results came back. After a night of thinking over my options I've decided to go for the larger dose of Chemo. In less than an hour I'm scheduled to take the first higher dosage. I look at it this way...if I don't knock the Cancer cells on their butt now and get into a remission this will all have been for nothing. I can't and won't accept that so I'll take the risks, and setbacks. That's my choice.
I only wish there was someone here to hold my hand. I've wished that before. It can happen in my dreams, and in my thoughts. So if your hand is warm...I'll be reaching for you. And I'll be smiling at your thoughtfulness.
1/9/2001 12:13:52 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Waiting For You
The love of my heart, pure and true
One missing part was given by you
Time after time you shared your laughter
We believe in each other; today ~ and ever after.
You soften the pain and lead me from fear
You find time to listen through the haze of the tears.
We rely on each other to get through this life
In essence we are like husband and wife.
I offer my hand ~ you carry me
Past the raging storm and tremulous sea
I am but a stone ~ with you I shine bright
A star in the sky who glows in your sight.
The love of my heart, pure and true
If I changed my life ~ I wouldn't have you
No memories, no cherished time
All would be lost ~ that was yours and mine.
Rare are these qualities I admire so much
How can I tell you, it's more than a touch.
You are wind, I am the sky
Together we learn to soar and fly
On a blue horizen ~ an endless playground
We slow dance together to the magical sound.
The love of my heart, pure and true
Here I stand ~ waiting for you.
Kaycee Nicole 2001
1/9/2001 08:47:19 AM |
° i am the warrior °
I Need Your Voice
The song is pretty simple. The words are very powerful:
We need some help
Down here on earth
A thousand prayers, a million words
But one voice was heard.
One voice, one simple word
Hearts know what to say.
One dream can change the world
Keep believing till you find your way.
I need your voice. I don't ask to often but right now I could use some extra help. If you believe in prayer, or positive energy, or sending good vibes, whatever I'm asking for it this week.
One is for a very special and beautifully creative young girl. Her mom and her need our silent support and love. They're an awesome pair. They've touched my life and brought me tremendous joy. I'd do anything I could for them but right now the best I can offer is my continued love and prayers. God already knows their needs. But there's power in our voices together.
*The wonderful thing about Tigger... is Tigger's a wonderful thing.* Send them love.
There's another person very dear to me who needs your voice - my grandpa. He undergoes his surgery this week. There are some serious concerns and complications. It's breaking my heart that I can't be there with him. Tomorrow I will spend a lot of time in meditation and prayer for him. If I am silent here it is because I will be waiting for news of his progress. I want to be able to see him again. I need your help to make my request happen.
I don't know how many guardian angels I have but I'm sending all of them to watch over all three of these special ones. Mom stopped by about an hour ago. She handed me her cell phone. It was almost like a foreign object to me. I took it and placed it next to my ear: "Hello?"
The voice on the other end brought immediate tears to my eyes, "Kaycee? Is this my Princess? I love you."
I love you too Grandpa.
Thanks mom.
1/9/2001 08:28:46 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, January 08, 2001
My Want List
There's not too many things I want in life. I'm talking about wants, not wishes. Things that are really, really important to me. I mean I could say I wish I had a new car, but that's not what I really want. It'd be more of future desire. I've been thinking about all the things I want right now.
- I want things easier for my Mom. I want her life to be full of happiness again. (Dad too.)
- I want my sister and brother to grow up happy, healthy and have fun.
- I want all of my friends to have total happiness. I love them too much to want anything less.
- I want the sun to always shine on me. To see the hope and feel the love.
- I want people to respect each other.
- I want to be free to feel the wind, and rain, and snow, and sunshine.
- I want peace in my heart.
- I want my soul to always be compassionate, passionate, understanding, giving, and carefree.
- I want to remain open-minded and not judgemental.
- I want to always continue learning.
I don't want diamonds. Or fancy cars. Or a huge house. I'd like to be surrounded by the beauty of the things that really matter.
1/8/2001 02:11:03 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Waiting. It's The Worst
I'm not good at waiting. Well, it depends what I'm waiting for I guess.
One thing I've not been very good at is waiting for my test results. Since all of this started, there's only been one time I didn't dread blood tests - that was the day I went in for my yearly physical. I walked out of the Clinic without a care in the world. Since I didn't really have any symptoms other than being tired and being a little pale I never thought to worry about any of those tests.
It's different now. Everytime they do a test I brace myself, even when I was in remission.
To take my mind off the pending doom I'd be a non-stop moving object. It doesn't really work. You can't help but think about it, waiting to find out yes or no. You try to psyche yourself out. You spend time crying over the 50% chance that the news will be bad. You spend the other time telling yourself everything is going to be fine.
While I'm going through all this I'd go over my offense and defense plans. It was a lot easier when I wasn't in the hospital. I'd go out to the lake or shoot hoops. I'd take a drive, open the windows and sun roof and let the sun and wind swirl around me. I'd go out with my friends and enjoy our time together. The thing I tried to avoid was falling into the pity mode. It's a hard thing not to do.
After doing all of that, you get the news. If it goes against you, the disappointment is extreme. No matter how much you prepared yourself for it, it's there. You take a deep breath and pull yourself up. Somehow you keep pushing forward.
The one thing I've learned is keeping it bottled up doesn't do any good. It's a self-destructive thing. That's why God gave us friends and family. It's taken me a long time to realize that I don't always have to be the strong one. It's okay to share the burden with others. They're standing there with arms wide open waiting for you to fall into them. I don't know why we just can't accept it for what it is. A gesture of love. We tell ourselves, I'm tough, I don't need it. I'm strong, I can handle it. Pride is the most difficult thing to overcome.
During Chemo I had a chance to meet many young people. The youngest of them were always the ones that taught me the most. They didn't suffer from all the hang-ups. They told you straight up what they wanted. They didn't waste time worrying. A hug to them meant far more than words. If they were hurting, they told you so. They'd wipe your tears and tell you not to cry because everything was going to be okay. They just poured out their love on you because it's what they knew how to do. It was so simple.
Today I'm waiting for results again. This week I'll spend a lot of time waiting for different things to happen. I'm going to try not to worry. I've found I can't change anything doing that. I want to reflect and meditate on the positive. Maybe conjure up all the good karma I can.
U2 says it best. It's a Beautiful Day.
See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out
It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day...
What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
What a beautiful day
1/8/2001 09:49:42 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, January 07, 2001
*snatches back her sunshine*
The ship is about to set sail. This KCaptain is taking over... so everybody better be smiling. I insist.
Hey... what can I say? I'm sucking it up and moving on. And I'm bossy too. /wink wink Get used to it. Haha.
I get knocked down but I get up again.
1/7/2001 04:17:25 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Dear Kaycee
Guess I'm due. The misery is just sort of rolling around this weekend.
For every rainbow, a little rain must fall. How true is that? Well, let's see... where do I start? Maybe with, "Who let the Dawgs out? Who, who, who?" Well... it wasn't me! If you don't want to know then please don't ask my honest opinion. It's that simple. If I try to lie, I get this really guilty look that everyone who knows me can see. So it doesn't do me any good to even try to hide how I'm really feeling.
Mom still can't come in to visit but one of my aunts did. She brought my mail and decided to unload her problems on me. I guess she thought I'd be a good ally.
*slaps on her Dear Kaycee cap*
Dear Kaycee is now in. Please get comfy on my analysis couch. Let's see what we can do. *ahem sigh*
Background info:
This particular aunt is in her mid 30's. Married with two children. First child born a few months after the marriage took place. Lied to the family about everything. Ran away. Came back with the kutest baby and a new husband.
I really love my uncle. He works really hard even if he can't seem to catch a break. My aunt, she's fun and all but keeps forgetting she's not 18 and single anymore. I've watched her just turn my cousins loose and then wonder why they're a mess. *sigh*
She's cheated and cheated and cheated and cheated. My uncle forgives and everything goes on. She's always put herself first above everything - my cousins, her family, my uncle. But she expects everyone to always see her needs.
She told me she wants to get divorced. She said my uncle is immature. She said she wants a life.
Excuse me!!!! I'm sorry. I had no sympathy for her at all. And I let her have it.
Hell... what do I know? I'm just a stupid 19 year old. Never been married. I don't even have good luck with relationships. Forget all that. She made me really mad. And when I'm mad I'm not sure it's a good idea to keep asking me my honest opinion.
I asked her if she ever once thought about my cousins???? Just once. Everything she's done... did she ever think one single time about what they're seeing???? A cheating, lying mom who does what she wants to do. Hmm...
She thought I'd side with her. She thought I'd understand! Wrong! I won't take sides anyway because I love my aunt and uncle. But she's wrong! Just before she left in a huff I told her, "It's your choice, you're going to do what you want just like you always have. So my opinion doesn't mean a damn thing."
*Removes her Dear Kaycee cap, attaches a note: Gone Fishing*
Today I got a different kind of Dear Kaycee. I didn't have to use my imaginary comfy couch. It was a Dear John type letter.
I always wondered how it'd feel to get one of those. It made me... sad is probably a good word. I can read the hurt between the lines. I can respect that. I can understand it. And I can take the blame for most of it. I pretty much deserved everything I got. Doesn't make me feel any better. But I've had to live with my decisions before, and even if no one else understands them you'd just about have to walk in my shoes to see what I did, I did for them.
One day they'll forgive me. If I'm lucky they may even understand I opened the door for something greater in their life.
What will be will be.
1/7/2001 01:54:25 PM |
° i am the warrior °
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