Saturday, January 20, 2001
*As of 9.45pm CST, here is Kaycee's condition:
- Her color is good. So far there has been no recurrence of bleeding.
- Her blood pressure is fluctuating but staying within reasonable limits.
- She has been sleeping most of the day.
- Tomorrow the doctors will inject dye and insert a scope into the area of the liver and possibly the hepatic artery to look for blocks, obstructions, or leaks. The hepatic artery was repaired previously. They will be looking for any areas where blood flow is being restricted in or out.
- Your prayers are being felt. Kaycee is in good spirits.
Please continue to pray for Kaycee. Pray that the doctors will find the problem and be able to fix it with absolutely minimal effort. Also please pray for Debbie. They both can use as much strength and support as they can get.
Thank you for your love and caring.* ~bwg
1/20/2001 10:20:31 PM |
° i am the warrior °
*A Message from Kaycee:
Kaycee has asked me to tell you that she doesn't want anyone to worry about her.
Here's what we know:
- The bleeding is controlled and being closely monitored.
- Her liver is not functioning properly. Further tests will have to be done for conclusive results.
- She is to refrain from moving around excessively. Her throat is sore and she has discomfort in her chest.
- She needs to regain her strength.
- She is smiling.
Did your room just light up? Smile - she insists!* ~bwg
1/20/2001 11:10:53 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, January 19, 2001
*At 5.15pm CST Kaycee was moved into recovery in stable condition. She will be there for the next hour or so. They want to continue to monitor her progress.
Her blood pressure is a little low but improved. She is being given blood and reports currently indicate the bleeding has been stopped.* ~ Debbie
1/19/2001 05:45:35 PM |
° i am the warrior °
*At 3.20pm CST, Kaycee was taken to the OR as a precaution.
The vasopressin did not work. The doctors are going to sedate her. Once unconscious, they will use a scope, along with drugs and bands to stop the veins from bleeding.
Her blood pressure has dropped further.
I ask you to please continue to pray for Kaycee.
Thank you very much.* ~bwg
1/19/2001 03:30:26 PM |
° i am the warrior °
*At 1.45pm CST, Kaycee began vomiting blood due to a ruptured vein in her esophagus.
The doctor is using the drug vasopressin to constrict the vein. If it fails, they will use a balloon catheter to stop the bleeding directly.
Her blood pressure has dropped, but not dangerously at this point. The main concern is to stop the bleeding immediately to prevent her bleeding to death.
As soon as they close off the vein, they will give her a blood transfuion. This is very serious.
I ask you to please take a moment right now to pray for Kaycee.
Thank you very much.* ~bwg
1/19/2001 02:33:33 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Let's Dance To The Beauty I See
When I was little my mom and my grandpa used to do something that was sort of alike. They'd pick me up and dance around the room with me in their arms. It became a family thing for them to sing that Temptations song My Girl to me first. I can remember putting my hands on their cheeks and watch their eyes light up, as they made me smile and laugh.
I've got sunshine on a cloudy day
When it's cold outside I've got the month of May
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way
My girl... talking 'bout my girl
I got so much honey the bees envy me
I've got the sweetest song than the birds in the trees...
They always made me feel so special. I grew up wanting to make everyone feel as special as I did. There wasn't really any big secret to my philosophy. I totally believed that there was something wonderous about everyone, something unique. It was easy for me to pump someone up. To make them feel comfortable and happy about themselves, about life. And I didn't have to stretch the truth or lie about it. I meant every word I said.
None of us are made perfectly. We don't all have blue eyes, blonde hair, and have a kute little nose. We're all shapes and sizes. Different cultures, different accents. We each offer something uniquely us to the world. That's the awesome part.
I focused on the best parts of a person.
My sister used to always tell me, "I wish I was tall and slender like you, Kaycee." I'd tell her she was beautiful just the way she was. Then I'd point out that she was the shortest person on her basketball team but she still had the most rebounds, and the kutest dimples, and the biggest heart. And she wasn't afraid to break a fingernail... that's important. I love my little sister. She rocks.
See, I don't limit myself to anyone's physical appearance. If we feel good about ourselves we project a beauty that soulfully radiates around us. I try to bring out the shine that's already there. It's probably one of the best gifts you can give anyone. And I love giving gifts. You give them the gift of themselves, just the way they are. Accept them, love them, respect them.
I'd never change that about myself. There's plenty of people out there that'll be glad to tear you down. They're the type of people lacking their own self image. They don't know what happiness is all about. They don't know how to feel good unless they bring everyone down around them.
I'd rather give a smile. I'd rather the sunshine followed me. I'd rather compliment than find imperfections. My eye searches for the beauty, and I can find it almost everytime.
And may I say, you are looking fab-U-lous today dahling. /wink wink Now smile for me.
1/19/2001 08:31:41 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, January 18, 2001
A Funny Epitaph
In Tuesday's blog John asked about epitaphs. Well, we got to mess around in class a few years ago and a bunch of us made up our own. And at Halloween CollegeClub always has special message boards for this kind of thing.
Here's a few of mine:
Here lays a girl ~ Kaycee
Her heart broken as can be.
That Taz guy dude said, "Don't #%@*^%@#$^^#!! me."
And ran off with a Chick-a-dee.
Oh woe is me.
KCinderella took a fall
Lost her sneaker at a Disco Ball
Ran away ~ and banged her head.
Smacked a pumpkin & now she's dead.
A basketball jock is buried here
Her name was Kaycee ~ She had no fear.
On the KCourt she was da bomb.
Now she *Rocks it* all night long.
Hmm... /wink wink Maybe I better stick to regular poetry. Ya think? /pounce pounce
1/18/2001 10:26:44 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Valentine's Day Is For Lovers... Wha?
I saw a Net Ad Link that said: Valentine's Day is a Holiday for Lovers. Hmm... I think I'd have to disagree with that statement. I mean where does that leave the rest of us who *love* but have no lover? Ahh, and what about all those star-struck little kids in elementary school? Who's gonna tell them about this new rule? And when adolescent teens hear about it - whoa! I don't even want to think about what might happen.
In other news... hmm. I got an e-mail asking this question:
Kaycee, What's the difference between kissing with your eyes open and your eyes closed?
Umm, to see or not to see!?! Haha. Okay I'm kidding.
Well, how about this:
Eyes open = check out what you could be kissing
Eyes closed = block out temptation
And there you have it. You have Questions ~ Kaycee has answers. No psychic powers at work here, just one wild and KCrazy gal. I don't deal in cards, just sunshine power. Hahaha.
Call me - let's have lunch.
1/18/2001 08:33:22 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, January 17, 2001
(Everything I Do) I Do It For You
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - Ya I'd die for you
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
~ sung by Bryan Adams
1/17/2001 11:19:24 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Until I Learn To Fly
Yesterday I took my last chemo. It'll be the last regardless of what the outcome is. I'm praying this one kills all the cancer cells lingering around my body. But, if it doesn't...
You see, my body is tired. It can't take anymore chemo for awhile. I've used up all the reserves my body can handle. It'll all have been for nothing if this last dose doesn't kill the irregular cells. My immune system is struggling and trying to fight back but it won't stand a chance if I have to continue with chemo like I have.
I won't know the outcome for awhile. I guess not knowing what's on the horizon is something all of us face no matter what any of us are going through. I'm prepared to handle whatever is there.
I'm going to concentrate all my energy into fighting back. But at the same time I know all the facts. I won't waste time denying the truth of what I know. Acceptance is a big part of finding peace in life.
I've had to accept the things I can't change. Nothing's promised. Nothing's guaranteed.
My emotions will still go through all the ups and downs. I'll ride them out like I always have. I'll keep my head up and find all the reasons to smile. I'll keep loving and spreading my joy around. I'm not done yet.
All I know is the road ahead is going to be bumpy but I'm not going to let it block my view. I'm pushing forward until the day I learn to fly.
1/17/2001 11:02:03 AM |
° i am the warrior °
I'm Going Crazy Crazy... When I Can't Touch You...
KC and JoJo have a song out right now called Crazy. It's a great song. One of those mushy love songs... you know. There's a few lines in there that apply to me lately.
I'm going crazy, crazy, (crazy, crazy) when I can't touch you
Crazy, crazy (I'm going crazy) when I can't hold you
Crazy, crazy, (I'm going crazy) when I can't see you again
(Said I'm going crazy)
I'm the type of person who talks using my hands. I've got this bad habit of touching people when I'm close to them. I'll touch their hand, or their arm. Put my arm around them, hug them. Press my cheek against theirs or kiss them. Wipe away someone's tear. I've always liked the personal contact. It's just a big part of who I am.
The other night I asked Mom to hold my hand. I wanted to feel her warm soft skin against mine. She did hold my hand and I closed my eyes fighting back the tears. I want the real thing. A hand in a hand. A cheek against a cheek.
A part of me is withering away because I'm missing the *touch* of others. It's a simple thing to want but so far out of reach. I have to go without in a time I need it the most.
My world is filled with rubber gloves and masks and blue sterile gowns. I see people through a small opening across their eyes. The only human skin I can touch is my own.
I think some people could go without the human touch of another. Most of us can't. It's an extention of expression.
For me, it's like breathing.
1/17/2001 10:31:09 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, January 16, 2001
To Ray, Randy and Cindy
A Day of Honoring
Sweet Father of Mine
Follow the fragrant aroma, rose petals lead the way.
The uplifting sound of laughter, guides you through each day.
So many places to go ~ So many friends to see.
Weep with tears of joy, Sweet father of mine has been set free.
His smile lights up the heavens, embracing those he knows,
While the love he shared with each of you ~ flourishes and grows.
Kindness and caring, touched your hearts each waking hour,
While the wisdom of his words, warmed you like a springtime shower.
So many loving faces ~ So many memories to hold,
Each one brought out the sunshine, and protected you from the cold.
Sweet father of mine will always linger, forever he is dear,
As you celebrate his life ~ every precious year.
Each hour was a blessing, even in a stormy sea,
His gentle nature rose above, each possibility.
So many days of glory ~ So many songs to sing,
Each of you a part, of his most treasured things.
Rest my sweet father, though we miss you so,
God said "It is time, take My Hand... we go."
For now you will journey on, he taught you how to live,
He was your strength and encouragement,
he knew exactly what to give.
He shared himself so willingly, nothing went unseen
You each shared a portion within the vision of his dream.
In the days that have followed, you cherished every moment spent,
Because you know within your heart... each one was Heaven sent.
Kaycee Nicole 2001
My thoughts and love are sent to you each. I know your Dad continues to smile down upon you and is proud of what he sees.
1/16/2001 11:57:53 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Bartender, Another Round Of Root Beer Please
News is in. Looks like I get another good zap of Chemo. Brings a whole new meaning to the expression *Heave-Ho.* I'm almost there, just need to hang in there a little longer. I'm listening to that Foghat song Slowride. I can relate and the drums are pretty kewl too.
Slowride, take it easy. Slowride, take it easy. Slowride, take it easy. Slowride, take it easy. I'm in the mood. The rhythm is right. Move to the music. We can roll all night. Slowride...
Well, I didn't get into any trouble yesterday. Of course I slept so much it's easy to avoid trouble in my dreams. I wasn't exactly good company yesterday anyway. I can thank my visitor for that. Not to worry though because he picked the wrong person to pick on. And, I teamed up with my doctor on this one. It's covered. Yeah baby.
Some people can be so annoying.
I'm just rambling this morning.
sensation...Bleu dans un monde d'or. Oh puits... Couleurs plaisantes, oui?
Je recherche le soleil et les sourires. Ils semblent juste jouer a cache-cache avec moi. Jusqu' a la fois prochaine.
(Feel... blue in a golden world. Oh well... pleasant colors, yes?
I seek the sun and the smiles. They just seem to be playing hide and seek with me. Until next time.)
1/16/2001 09:53:34 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, January 15, 2001
You Don't Even Wanna Tick Me Off...
Today's not a good day. I'm not feeling the greatest. I'm tired from thinking. I'm tired from the medication. I'm trying not to think to much about the blood tests I'm waiting on again. If it'll be news in my favor, or the same, or against me. I'd take two out of three of those. I wasn't in a bad mood. Contemplative is probably a close definition.
After the blood work was taken, I knew the wait was on. So I was trying to chill. Think positive.
I happened to look up just as my door opened. This preppy looking man just walked in. I said, "Hey wait," then I pointed to the sign on my door. I didn't know this guy and I was thinking if Mom had to follow the rules about entering then so did he.
I don't need any more complications in my life. Believe me, after all the lectures lately, I'm not even willing to take any chances. Besides, I'm coming off a large dose of chemo. My resistance is low. My immune system is struggling. My goal is to get out of this room.
He stopped and told me he had authorization. I saw he had an ID badge. I told him, "Well if you have authorization then you should know you have to have a mask and all that other crap. He left. *sigh* A few minutes passed and he returned with his little clipboard. He was a little ticked off. I could see it in his eyes. Oh well, that's life.
He told me who he was - Assistant so and so. It didn't mean anything to me. He jumped right into his business. I listened to five solid minutes of him explaining how things are *my fault* (in the topic he was there for). I bit my tongue. I didn't need him to tell me the facts. I already know what they were. He insulted my intelligence by even coming to me with his presentation.
I did everything within my power not to tell him to take his little clip board and stick it up his butt. After one minute in his presence my defensive armour was up and in place.
I was already feeling like an idiot over what happened, I didn't need him to rub it in further. His tactic was all wrong. I knew exactly what he wanted but I was stubborn enough to make him sweat bullets. If he'd approached me differently I'd have blown the whole thing off. I told him I didn't want to discuss it and unless he was here to visit with me then we were done. He could leave.
He muttered something under his breath. There's nothing wrong with my hearing. I said, "I'll call you when I spill hot coffee on myself. Maybe we can do lunch."
I know I know... I should've kept my big mouth shut. I was being sarcastic. I meant to be. He'd come in here not knowing or caring who I am or what I'm about. He just spouted off a bunch of crap meant to intimidate me. Sorry, but I'm tougher than I look. And his timing stunk. I knew he'd be back though. I just wanted to be left alone. Today isn't the day to deal with his issues. They aren't my issues. To be honest I hadn't even thought about them until he brought it up.
Well, he couldn't let it go. He had to come back. That's not even using good brain power. A good offense is the best defense. And, it's always good to find out about your opponent. He didn't do his homework on me.
John was right - that guy is a SYA (Show Your Ass... pardon my french but it's true) type person.
When he came back he tried pushing me into a corner. *Grrrr....* That's it! He pissed me off. When I have to grit my teeth I know I'm headed for trouble. The man may be a wonderful person when he's not trying to do his job. But the person I was looking at was a jerk in the worst way. I know he was motivated by fear, and I'm not the stupid person he thought I was. I'd had enough of his insulting my intelligence and trying to place blame. Did I blame anyone? No.
I told him, "I'll deal with this when I feel like it, not you. Get the hell away from me before I throw up on your shoes." or something unintelligent like that.
*sigh* Ugh. Could someone bring me a water gun so I can just shoot myself?
1/15/2001 01:10:24 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Who, being loved, is poor?
~ Oscar Wilde
I've never been poor. Not in the sense of the quote. Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with money. We all need it. My friends come from all types of backgrounds so I've seen the effects of money on almost every level.
I had some friends who'd come to school in old, dirty clothes. They had an unpleasant aroma. They ate their lunch in the cafeteria without one complaint. They didn't have any money to buy cokes, or candy bars. Some of them worked just to help their parents keep food on the table or the electricity running.
Did that make them different? No, not as far as being a friend or being loved and respected by me. But yes, it made them different to other peers. They were teased. They were pushed around. They were looked down upon.
Why? They weren't any less intelligent. They knew how to work hard at younger ages. They appreciated everything they were given. They didn't want charity, they'd rather earn what was given to them. They were just victims of society. A society that looks down on people without.
We see the children of other nations. Torn, dirty clothes. Wide innocent eyes. Shoeless. Children who need someone to care. Sponsor them so they can have food, go to school, make something better of themselves. It breaks our heart to see the pictures on TV. And we try to help them. We feel good about it. It's the right thing to do. And it is.
The thing is, no matter where you live, there's kids and families like that. Maybe down the street. Maybe down the block. Maybe on the other side of town. And we don't do anything to try to help them. We'd rather avoid them. Pretend they don't exist. I think it's easier to say, "Hey their trouble, I don't want to be associated with them. What would people think?"
One of my friends who came from a "good" background, never wanted for anything. She had the best of everything. She asked me, "Why do let Ella hang with you? That's just so gross. She can't ever be one of us."
I nodded and said, "Yeah, you know you're right. Ella won't ever wear the Tommy clothes, or have Doc Martins, or walk around smelling like Curve. She probably wouldn't stick her nose up at anyone either. She wouldn't whine because she didn't get a new stereo, or that Allen didn't tell her 50 times how good she looked. So you're right, she'll never be you, but she brings herself to add to us."
I was raised average America. If we're talking about money.
But if we're talking about stuff that really matters, then I had it all. I really wish everyone could be as lucky.
1/15/2001 09:56:53 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, January 14, 2001
Weblog Magic
I've been looking around and finding some awesome weblogs. Wow! I mean there's some totally kewl pages out there. I love how blogjam fades right into the page. And the colors are so terrific. /salute Frasier you just rock.
Then there's Cloud9 That window is so kute. I smile every time I visit.
And check out Beach Bum and Creative Uses Of Explosives and Bumblebee Blog and The GardenCafe.
Awesome. There's just so many. Thanks to all of you for letting me peek in on your lives. You inspire me. I'm still discovering. You know, that's gotta rock. /salutes you
1/14/2001 03:41:35 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Visions Of Night
Sitting by the fireside ~ Visions of night
Dreaming my dreams with the stars within sight
Casting the hopes into the wind ~
Wondering, will they return again?
Sail away into the sky ~ see the moon in flight
As the world rests in slumber; my soul searches for light.
The blue reflection, the lavander nightshade
When dawn arrives, will the visions fade?
So hard to hold the stars and dreams
Can't live on all the fantasies
The swirling visions within the night
Drift away, as they turn to sunlight.
Kaycee Nicole 2001
1/14/2001 01:45:47 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Happy Birthday Randy!!! I love you!!
It's already Jan. 15th in Hong Kong so send the big white guy some *hugs, smooches, and pounces* for his awesome day! Woo-Hoo!
1/14/2001 12:22:20 PM |
° i am the warrior °
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