Saturday, January 27, 2001

One secures the gold of the spirit when he finds himself.
~ Claude Bristol

Eye Of The Beholder

I think I have a pretty good eye for beauty.

Well, maybe I should say I know what I like. But I've never really had to look for all this awesome wonder. It's just there. I see it. I feel it. I hear it. It surrounds me like a warm breeze everywhere I go.

When I was in school I never worried about the popularity thing. It just didn't suit me to even want to be considered better than anyone else. I wanted to be free to express who I was. I wanted to keep my mind open to all the possibilities presented to me. I wanted to be a piece of puzzle that fit into the whole picture around me. I didn't want to lose myself in the social identity wannabe crisis. I didn't want to keep up with anyone, I only wanted to be myself.

It's probably one of my greatest accomplishments so far. At least it's the one that I'm the most proud of.

I used to hear all the excuses from my friends as to why I was accepted. They seemed to think I had all the advantages. But, because of how a lot of things happened in my life, a lot of times I saw them as a curse. I was suppose to feel guilty because I was athletic, a leader, intelligent, kind, looked decent. I didn't fit the typical mold of anything. But that was alright with me. I wasn't willing to conform to what others thought I should be.

I didn't consciously decide to be all the things I turned out to be.

Then again, maybe I did. I saw all these people around me trying so hard to be someone else. They had to be seen with the right crowd. In front of you they were like beautiful party masks parading around a crowd. When they thought no one was looking the mask slipped away revealing what they didn't want anyone to see. They were lost in a dark world of selfishness. Everything had to benefit them somehow.

As each days goes by I discover more and more about myself and others. I try to use it in some positive way. To learn from. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just like the collage I did above, I'm able to see some pretty awesome things.

Step into my view, you won't be disappointed.

1/27/2001 12:19:07 PM |

Friday, January 26, 2001

Seven days without laughter makes one weak.
~ Joel Goodman

Feel My Sunshine

You already know I love laughter. I think we should have a day of blogging jokes sometimes.

I used to e-mail my friends a joke every weekday just to make sure there was at least one reason for them to be smiling. Notice I said at least one reason. With me around there's usually more. /poke Did you notice I'm not modest or suffering low self esteem Haha. Well it is true, but I'm not overbearing about it. My aim has always been to create havoc upon others - the good kind of course. But of course, dah-ling.

You'd be amazed at how many times I get, "How can you laugh and smile so much with all you've been through/go through?" Well to quote Paula Koskey, "A victim enjoys a good laugh. A survivor loves one."

I guess we're all victims in one way or another during our life, but most of us are the survivors of life. We keep our head up and swim like hell umm... I mean like crazy. You know what I mean.

There's no way anyone can be up all the time. Not even me. I'm not the 24/7 ray of sunshine. There's been lots of times when the pain has been so extreme the thought of death lingered in my mind. I've come to understand it's ok and normal to feel like that. You gather up your strength and move on.

But I still believe it's always a good day to give a smile and send some love. So... (do I need to say it? Okay, I will anyway /wink) Smile, I'm sending you some sunshine. Did your room just light up?

We got the love, yeah baby.

1/26/2001 09:00:42 AM | ° i am the warrior °

Husband 1.0

Here's a little funny some of you might relate too. Thanks John.

Ack! It said boyfriend the "B" word. hahaha (Hmmm... I better have them check my medication.) Ok, smile!!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and MLB 4.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
-- Desperate

Keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
--Tech Support

Thursday, January 25, 2001

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
~ Helen Keller

Never Lose Touch

I've always admired Helen Keller. Her words and her life inspired me. She made me want to fine tune my own senses and strive to use all of the senses I was given.

I tried to imagine what it'd be like to not hear sounds, or not be able to see the beauty all around me. I tried to imagine what her world was like before she learned to communicate, and even after. If you had never seen a red rose, how hard would it be to convey the awesomeness of it? If you didn't know what it looked like, could you smell its aroma and feel its softness and shape, and then form a picture of it in your mind?

We don't have to be blind to live in darkness. We don't have to be deaf not to hear. How long is someone willing to stay cocooned while everything keeps revolving around them? If you were like Helen Keller you didn't have a choice in the matter, but with help she was able to rise above what she had been given.

We all have this misconception that we could never be strong enough to get through this or that. If you had the desire, when it came time you would. But, if you let self pity rule your life, you'll miss out on all your potential greatness. We're all destined for greatness too. I know a lot of people will laugh at that but it's true.

There's all types of greatness. A great writer. A great parent. A great friend. A great listener. A great fighter. A great musician. A great nurse. A great computer tech. A great basketball player. A great designer. A great giver.

Step outside today and as you feel the warm sun on your face look up and admire the endless blue sky. Listen to the sound of traffic rushing by. Watch the ice melt from a frozen branch. Feel the gentle purr of a contented cat. Listen to the rustle of the leaves.

Try to see and hear all of it like this is the first time you've ever experienced it. All the tiny little details you've been missing might make you think, "Hey, it's been awhile since I heard that... or seen that... or felt that."

Don't ever get too busy, or too tired, or too stressed or too down or too unhappy to lose touch with the world. And you might want to keep an eye out for the new door that'll open after the other one closed.

1/25/2001 08:36:19 AM | ° i am the warrior °

Wednesday, January 24, 2001

Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.
~ Albert Schweitzer

Feeling My Way Through The Darkness

Seems like everytime I go through something traumatic I come out of it with a rush of energetic power only to crash and burst into a million pieces a few days later. My own mortality flashes before my eyes and makes me see all the things that I so desperately don't want to think about. It leaves my heart aching for the things I want so much to grasp and cling too. Little things. Things that most people take for granted as they walk around trying to find their way.

I berate myself over my thoughts as it replays the what if's that hold me back from the fulfillment I'm seeking. Inside my mind I'm the same vital person I always was. A massive flame filled with dancing light and warmth that somehow leaps merrily to it's own rhythm and joy. Unpredictable, as it shoots sparks of life sailing and swirling upward into the enchantment of night.

Then I see the broken body of what once had been. The unkind reality of what is. The same hands that once were strong and capable are now weak and trembling. Legs that once ran, and skipped and enabled me to pounce its prey with fun loving adventure, legs that now quiver and all but refuse to take me where I want to go. A body that makes me feel old and worn away before it's time.

I think about walking slowly through a wheat field and running my hand gently across the golden grain around me. Lifting my face to the heavens and feeling the cool rain splash on me. Twirling like a kite beneath the open blue skies. Sitting in a single ray of sunshine as it streams in through a window. Feeling the awesomeness of love encircle me.

I'm feeling my way through the darkness right now. I know there's someone holding a candle in the distance to guide me and I'm determined to find it. I will find it.

It's there, I just can't see it tonight.

1/24/2001 09:03:33 AM | ° i am the warrior °

This Is My Song

This is my song of Faith to you...

This is a music video, and it's beautiful. Enjoy.

1/24/2001 07:52:56 AM | ° i am the warrior °

Tuesday, January 23, 2001

My True Name

Ooooops... looks like Mom made a mistake naming me. Mah hahaha. Mom and I just got our True Name (Thanks Pam and Dad Al)

My true name is: Acrobatic Adanidina

Hmm... I wonder if I was named after my Dad. Too funny.

My Mom's true name is: Freely Laughing Faerie.

Wow... I'm glad I didn't get that one. /hug Love ya mom.

Wonder who thinks these up? It wasn't me!

1/23/2001 05:59:09 PM | ° i am the warrior °

Servers, Thoughts & Music

Word on the server vine is upgrades are in order. Ok so what they really mean is they have repairs to do. So If I'm not around tomorrow you'll know why. No worries.

My thought for the day (and you thought it was the viagra thing... haha):

There is a beautiful and an ugly way in which to say almost everything, and happiness depends upon which way we take.
~ Delia L. Porter

I heard a song on an oldies station today while I was waiting for them to start my tests. I only heard part of the words so after asking a few of the nurses they helped me come up with who sang it and the title. (Kind of reminded me of Randy or Al)

Anyway, the song was Blowin in the Wind sang by Peter, Paul and Mary. So I did a search to find the words. I was kinda surprised to see Bob Dylan had written it. That's pretty kewl. Ah-ha I ended up learning a couple things today. Too kewl.

Blowin In The Wind
~ Bob Dylan

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man
How many seas must the white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand
Yes, and how many times must the cannonballs fly
Before they are forever banned
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

Yes, and how many years can a mountain exist
Before it washed to the sea
Yes, and how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free
Yes, and how many times can a man turn his head
And pretend that he just doesn't see
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

Yes, and how many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky
Yes, and how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry
Yes, and how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

1/23/2001 05:21:43 PM | ° i am the warrior °

Dear Kaycee's Back, And Today She's A Sexpert

Hmm... grrrrrr I don't like getting spam in my e-mail. My hotmail account is getting bad lately. Today I had one about a herbal remedy that does what Viagra does. Like I really need that, for one. And for another, did I ask for information on it?

*slaps on her Dear KC cap*

Okay here's my opinion, and of course it isn't worth anything, so feel free to ignore it. Haha.

I'd say don't waste your money. Go out and rent, borrow or /smack a friend until he allows you to view his special VHS movie collection.

Or better yet, check out some *let it all hang out* webcams. If that doesn't solve your Viagra-type problems then you don't need to be worring about it anyway.

*quickly removes her Dear KC cap and slaps on the Hard Rock Cafe cap*

Woo-hoo

Pat what a totally kewl pic that is. I love it. I'm a little behind in reading about all my wonderous friends in their weblogs. So I'm trying to catch up.

I like that quote mucho Carlos. You rock!

I'll be back! /wink wink

1/23/2001 07:44:22 AM | ° i am the warrior °

Monday, January 22, 2001

Happy Monday Morning

I started my day really early this morning. I was suppose to have some tests done yesterday but they cancelled them and gave me another day to rest. So I had them this morning instead. Guess I have some blood clots in my liver. They put me on some thrombolytics, drugs that dissolve clots.

The worst part for me is not getting to move around a lot. Grrrr... don't they know they can't keep a good tigger down? /wink wink But I can smile - they can't make me stop doing that.

Hey, the sun's shining, you better be smiling too. I insist.

1/22/2001 09:37:41 AM | ° i am the warrior °

Sunday, January 21, 2001