Saturday, January 06, 2001
Misfit Soul
Today is 5 months of ° Living Colours ° madness. That's pretty amazing.
To the dozen or so people who are still with me (Okay I'm kidding I think there's probably a lot more than I know about) I want to thank you for sticking with me. It's been a Rocky Road, well I suppose that's better than being a Chunky Monkey. Haha. Oopsy, I think I have ice cream on the brain today.
Seriously, thanks with all my heart. Your support and encouragment has kept this misfit soul embraced with love.
Smile, I'm sending you some sunshine. Did your room just light up?
1/6/2001 08:52:42 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Christmas Card Tree - Now My New Year Tree
I got mail. Woo-hoo.
I think this may be the final update on my Card tree. Yes, I've still got it up. Two card trees actually. There's probably about 100 cards per tree so they're both full and colorful. I'm keeping them up it brightens up the place. Ya know... /wink
So I heard from friends in these awesome places: Texas, Vermont, Michigan, Arizona, Illinois, Maryland, Colorado, Washington, Idaho, Georgia, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Tennessee, Maine, Arkansas, Florida, Oregon, California, Indiana, Minnesota, North Carolina, Virginia, New Jersey, Iowa, New York, Ohio, Mississippi, South Carolina, Alabama, New Hampshire, and Hawaii.
Then there's my Canadian friends in Edmonton, AB, Vancouver, BC, Scarborough, ON, Newmarket ON, Victoria BC, Surrey BC, White Head Island, NB, and Ajax, ON. And a few more places in Canada but I'm not sure where.
Then there's Switzerland, England, Wales, Hong Kong, Australia, Italy, and France.
Let's see... that's 33 States, 3 Canadian Provinces, and 7 Countries. Whoa-ho! That's a lot of love pouring out in ° Living Colour °. Plus I received many, many e-mail cards that join the tree. Thanks to everyone! You're awesome. *blows you a kiss* It sails up into the sky, touches a piece of heaven and finds it's way to you.
Many many blessings will be coming your way. /salute
1/6/2001 08:33:05 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, January 05, 2001
Foggy Emptiness
I woke up this morning about 11:30 a.m. My eyelids felt so heavy and I was really groggy.
The last thing I remember is trying to get to sleep last night and that my ear was hurting a little. That was about 9:30 p.m.
I guess I had a busy morning chasing demons around my head. Who knows, maybe they chased me around my room. It's probably a good thing I can't remember any of it. No one likes to be haunted by stupid things they do.
When your body suffers a chemical imbalance it's amazing how you even function. How you don't know what you're doing but yet your brain is carrying out all these complex things.
I read my blog. Whoa! I was like, "I wrote that?" I did kind of like the ending - very passionate. Now, that sounded like me calling out from the warpath. I wonder if whatever had ahold of me turned around and ran. I would've.
I'm okay. Really tired. Pretty floored by what everyone is telling me but it's all good. Have to keep my guardian angels busy you know. I'm just wondering how I ever managed to tackle blogger. I must have been invincible. I rock even if I'm a little off beat!
Ohhh... Dreamweaver I believe you can get me through the night. Ohh... Dreamweaver I believe we can reach the morning light.
1/5/2001 01:46:36 PM |
° i am the warrior °
**At 3.45 am CST, Kaycee's calcium dropped suddenly to extremely low levels. When this happens she experiences a great deal of confusion, as evidenced by her previous entry.
Compounding this was fluid buildup on her eardrum, and that caused a lot of pain.
Fortunately the doctors have balanced her mineral levels, and drained the fluid. Kaycee is feeling better, and is now sleeping. She should be alright when she wakes.
Please say a prayer for her. Thank you.** ~bwg
1/5/2001 08:14:51 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sleepless Nights
I think someone threw me into the pits of hell and I'm getting a taste of what it could be like. The doors are locked and I'm trapped. I can't run anywhere. I'm just here. There's no windows. There's no warmth. There's no companionship. It's a cold cell without comforts.
Someone has split me down the middle. Half of my head seems normal. The other half is pounding and filled with masses of pressure. My ear feels like it's going to explode and all the sounds go in and out. The noise is intensified like high frequency, then drops to an eerie growling slow mode. And the pain is like lightning striking me.
I want to hug my knees and rock back and forth. I want to scream out into the darkness. I want to reach in and grab whatever is doing this and make it stop. Instead I whisper to it to go away. I beg behind the curtain of tightly closed eyes. No one is listening.
The moaning must be my own. I'm not sure. I'm confused on what is real and what has been conjured in my thoughts. Am I awake or asleep in this nightmare? Are the shadows chasing me or am I running from them?
If I'm lucky they'll flow medicine in my cold veins and I'll sleep, oblivious to the pain wreaking havoc somewhere within me. I'm so tired I can't run anymore.
Come out into the open where I can fight you myself. You are a coward in my world. I won't give in to your pain. I won't be weakened by your destruction. I won't bow to your torment. All I will give you are these tears.
1/5/2001 03:46:41 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, January 04, 2001
No Good-byes... Jusque Plus Tard A' Mon Ami
For several years I've refused to say the phrase, "Good-bye". To me good-bye signifies a finality and I just can't accept that anything is final. If not today or tomorrow, then maybe next year. Another time, another place. If not here on earth then in the heavens. It's probably an odd way to look at it but I have my reasons. There's this degree of heartache for me when someone leaves the realm of my life. Maybe it's denial on my part. I don't think so.
Last night Mark came by for a brief visit. It was his last. He came to say farewell. After he finishes his last shift on Sunday he's moving back to Texas to finish his residency. Part of the blues I've suffered lately is knowing this information. I'm going to miss all the things he brought into my life the past several months. I'm going to miss him.
I'm not sure I understand all of it myself but Mark returned something to me that I thought I had lost a few years ago. He viewed me as a whole being rather than separate parts that make me who I am. And he did it in this space of time that I viewed myself as less than worthy. A broken piece of potter's clay, cracked, chipped, and ready to crumble back into dust. He repaired the part of me that had trouble trusting the sincerity of what was being said to me. I owe him much more than I can return to him.
I spent most of the night awake. For several hours I watched the lights across the city. I saw the stars dancing across the velvet cloth above me. In every star I felt the presence of each person I have had to release to find their new world. I find peace knowing they have gone on to greater happiness. As hard as it was to let them fly away... I know it was the right thing to let them go on without me.
My Philosophy professor used to quote this expression: The soul needs friendship, the heart needs love. I can understand the value of that saying.
I whispered to the stars above, "Jusque plus tard a' mon ami. Vous serez manques." (Until later my friend. You will be missed.)
1/4/2001 08:20:06 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, January 03, 2001
Good News, New Look, Look At ME
*hugs pillow* Okay that was for all of you. I'd do it in person but that'll have to wait just a little bit.
This is my first post with the new look. Randy really surprised me with this. He's the best. And Pam too.
It's funny because I have some other good news to pass along. I've been pretty nervous today waiting for my latest test results. I guess mom found out before me but it doesn't take away any of the joy I'm feeling.
Official word is that the chemo has been effective on the Cancer. And that's really good news. I was bouncing off the walls and crying when I heard. I really needed to restore my hope. I was afraid I was losing myself there for awhile.
Let's celebrate. It's all good.
1/3/2001 04:40:27 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Congratulations... John!!! /hug hug
Blogger Post of the Year! That just rocks!
Hmm... I knew that! /pounce. Totally kewlio.
1/3/2001 11:59:19 AM |
° i am the warrior °
The Ivory Tower
I feel like I've been banished.
The sign on my door says: NO Admittance without authorization. This is an Isolated Area.
They may as well put: *Offenders Will Be Prosecuted* or *Rabid Woman Inside, Do Not Enter*
Ugh. Does nothing for my morale. Part of it has to do with my KCoffee KCaper. I really got in big trouble with that one. I got lectured, and lectured some more. Hey... I already know all that. I'm not a little kid. I told my doc I did what I had to do. If they take anymore stuff away from me I'll be pulling a Howard Stern and running nekked in my room.
I know it's all for my own good. But knowing it, and living within the confines of it are two different things. I'm wondering if by the time I get out of here if I'll have some weird tendencies. I can just hear myself, "Did you wash your hands? Oh you better go do that. Let me check under your nails. Are you sure they're clean? Underwear? What's that? Must be a new invention. Don't you have any black silk nighties that are open in the back? What do you mean you don't deliver breakfast?"
Ok, I'm being dramatic. I'm trying to amuse myself these days.
This morning I stood by the window gazing out from my ivory tower. I don't feel like a princess waiting for the white knight to storm the castle and whisk me away. I just wanted a little of the sunshine to touch my face. Maybe let it whisper to me, "Everything's okay out here."
When I felt a tear or two escaping I captured one and held it up on the tip of my finger so the sun could fill it with warmth and color. I wanted to tell it... run, run far away... you're now a happy tear. You're free. Don't let them bottle you up... you've been released.
I'm like that tear. I'm waiting for my time to come. Until then, my ivory tower holds me in this make believe world. I have to create my own laughter, my own happiness. I have to fill the emptiness with the warmth of sunshine, even on cloudy days. It's hard to do all the time.
Even princesses get wistful while they wait. But this isn't the Ivory Tower, and I'm not a princess, so I'll have to work on my own ending.
1/3/2001 09:52:40 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, January 02, 2001
Who's the Biggest Fool?
Seems pretty stupid to post a blog on how words can hurt you then turn around and post the words to this song. *sigh*
Oh well, I never said I was consistent. Except when it comes to my own stupidity. That's life. Although I don't totally agree with the bringing back part. You just have to let go. Sara, you were right. I take no satisfaction in knowing it either.
Mirror, Mirror
Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror mirror lie to me
Why don't I like the girl I see
The one who's standing right in front of me
Why don't I think before I speak
I should have listened to that voice inside me
I must be stupid, must be crazy, must be out of my mind
To say the kind of things I said last night
Mirror mirror hanging on the wall
You don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all
Mirror mirror I wish you could lie to me
And bring my baby back, bring my baby back to me
Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Why did I let you walk away
When all I had to do was say I'm sorry
I let my pride get in the way
And in the heat of the moment I was to blame
I must be stupid, must be crazy, must be out of my mind
Now in the cold light of the day I realize
Mirror mirror hanging on the wall
You don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all
Mirror mirror I wish you could lie to me
And bring my baby back, bring my baby back to me
If only wishes could be dreams
And know my dreams could come true
There would be two us standing here in front of you
If you could show me that someone that I used to be
Bring back my baby, my baby to me
Mirror mirror hanging on the wall
You don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all
Mirror mirror I wish you could lie to me
And bring my baby back, bring my baby back to me
Mirror mirror hanging on the wall
You don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all
Mirror mirror I wish you could lie to me
And bring my baby back, bring my baby back to me
Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror mirror lie to me
Mirror mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror mirror lie to me
~ sung by M2M
1/2/2001 10:14:04 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Real Life... Wrong Emotion
Two brothers were taken to a hospital after a car accident. The younger one had massive injuries and was DOA but the ER staff tried to put life back into a broken body. It wasn't meant to be, he could not be revived. In the next room the older brother has minor injuries. He kept asking about his brother. When he was finally told, he wanted to go see his brother. He was beside himself with grief.
The rest of the family waited for news. The doctor had the unpleasant duty of breaking this news to them. He explaines that the younger boy did not suffer. The family was upset, as they should be. The mother wanted to see her dead son. She did not ask to see the son who survived. As she passed, her living son cried out, "Momma, Momma." She turned on him and told him he was dead, he was no longer her son, he should be dead and the other one alive.
I'm crying at this point. I understand how loss rips your heart out and it feels like someone has stomped on it. I can't imagine how the entire family must have been feeling. But even in the grief of loss, and the passion of the moment, HOW could a mother say those things to her child. How? How? How?
The son got off his bed. Tears ran down his face. He cried, "I wish it had been me. I wish I'd died so you'd be happy." The mother turned and pointed a finger at him, "You are dead to me."
I had the biggest lump in my throat. Even if that mother didn't mean what she said, those words will haunt her son. They will eat at him every time he thinks about his brother, every time he sees his mother. Words are so destructive. They can echo inside your thoughts over and over. Ebbing, tiding, swirling into your tranquil peace of mind.
I don't get angry very often but when I do I try to think about what words leave my mouth. And no matter how angry I get, I'd never wish anyone dead. There's plenty of hurt and pain to go around. Is there something we can do in our little part of the world to make it better? I'll keep trying.
A gentle word is never lost,
Oh, never then refuse one!
It cheers the heart when sorrow-tossed,
And lulls the cares that bruise it.
~ Hastings
1/2/2001 08:27:23 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, January 01, 2001
Current Status...(??)
Application for 2001:
Name: Kaycee the Conquerer
Grouping: Single, white semi-useful female
Accomplishments: Nothing notable
Attributes: I think this is where I say I'm tall and have two eyes. Just your average Kaycee.
List 2001 resolutions, goals, i.e (be specific): If I leave this blank does it count against me???
It just hit me... I'll be 20 this year. Out of the terrible teens. I'm not sure if that's significant or not.
Actually I'm not sure of anything anymore. I used to have my life semi-mapped out. I was covered til about 2004 or 2005. Go to college, play some basketball, get my degree, find a job, have some fun, yada yada. I can't see that vision anymore. It's locked away in some sort of time warp and the key seems to have been misplaced.
I'm questioning what I even want anymore. My mind seems to keep wandering to the freedom of roaming and travel. I've always been pretty sure what I wanted but as each day has turned into another month I become more confused. I don't know what's important and what's not. It's hard to see beyond one day let alone a month or a year.
I don't make resolutions. I never have. I've spent my time setting goals and trying to see them through. I don't know anyone who's ever stuck to their resolutions. It's almost like they're made just so they can be broken. I've never liked the concept of breaking something I say I'll do so I just stay away from that type of thing.
So in conclusion... I'd say I was just as confused today as I was yesterday.
Current Status: lacking euphoria, slightly evanescent, mildly misguided, and occassionaly flamboyant. A KClassic combination.
1/1/2001 12:56:13 PM |
° i am the warrior °
1/1/2001 10:35:51 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, December 31, 2000
I Just Called...
*Picks up phone... punches in your phone number*
I Just Called to Say I Love You
No new years's day
to celebrate
no chocolate covered candy hearts to give away
no first of spring
no song to sing
in fact here's just another ordinary day
No April rain
no flowers bloom
no wedding saturday within the month of June
But what it is
Is something true
Made up of these three words that I must say to you
I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart
No summer's high
No warm July
No harvest moon to light one tender August night
No autumn breeze
No falling leaves
No even time for birds to fly to southern skies
No libra sun
No Halloween
No giving thanks to all the Christmas joy you bring
But what it is
Though old so new
To fill your heart like no three words Could ever do.
I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart
Of my heart
Of my heart
12/31/2000 03:47:10 PM |
° i am the warrior °
The Person In The Shadows
I had a nice little blog about a room with flickering lights and someone holding me while I let out all my thoughts. It was a nice unrealistic dream. But blogger ate it and I'm to tired to rewrite the whole thing again.
I think I'll go back to that dream world and see if those imaginary arms are still there to hold me. Sometimes you just have to trust the shadows.
12/31/2000 02:18:49 PM |
° i am the warrior °
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