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° a diary of survival ° |
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vital signs ° |
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living colours ° |
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Saturday, October 14, 2000
Family Ties
I love it when my family comes to visit. It's like a huge celebration.
But everytime they come in, for a split second I see something in their eyes. I'm not sure what it is. Relief, surprise or something else. And each time I see it I wanna rip these tubes off and stomp on them. I forget what I look like sometimes. All pathetic and thin, and blotchy, and swollen. It's enough to scare anyone.
Ugh. It's my family. They love me and they don't care, but I know for just that fraction of a second the must think, "Oh my gosh, she looks awful."
It's okay because I know it's true.
10/14/2000 07:50:38 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, October 13, 2000
The Sky Lit Up
The nurses came in really excited and said, "Kaycee do you feel like getting up, there's something we think you need to see." I wasn't about to question them, just the thought of getting up sounded great to me.
Once I was on my feet they helped me over to the window. There it was! At first I thought it was a falling star. Well actually several falling stars, but then I realised it wasn't. I'm not sure it if was a meteorite or a comet, I've never seen either except on TV. Maybe it was a falling satellite. I dunno. Whatever it was, it was spectacular.
There was one large ball soaring across the sky and several smaller ones above and below it. Almost like they were escorting it on it's journey. I watched it glide across the twilight and disappear into the blackness. I asked to stand there for a little while. I didn't want it to end just yet. When I looked back over the path it had taken I notice the cloud of smoke linger in the sky. I reached out and placed my hand on the cool pane of glass. I wanted to touch the energy that lingered in the sky. It was a beautiful vision.
A little while later I was back in bed, but I kept staring out the window. I wondered where the ball of flames ended it's journey. Or was it still traveling? Pretty soon the night lit up with lightning. It streaked across the ebony sky like tiny fingers reaching out to grasp the moment. I listened as the wind picked up speed and pounded the rain against the glass. I heard the low rumble of thunder. I could almost smell the rain, you know, that aroma of damp earth and cleansing freshness. I wanted to walk outside and feel it. I suppose in a way I wanted it to cleanse me too.
The night of a thousand lights. It was awesome.
10/13/2000 11:37:40 PM |
° i am the warrior °
*Lucky* Friday The 13th
I'm really sleepy and the pain medicine is making me feel pretty mellow. So I thought now's a good time to think about all my *Lucky* Friday the 13th blessings.
I don't really believe in luck. I believe in destiny. I also believe we have to create the good things in our lives. I could list lots and lots of bad going on but what would be the point. I already know it. I try not to complain to much. It does happen, I admit it. But it's time to take a journey to the awesome side of my life. Actually it's a wonderous place to be.
I've got masses of trophies, medals, plaques and certificates, I'm proud of them but what means the most is the memories of all those accomplishments. I'm talking about how I got there. I remember the laughter and smiles of my friends. The times we leaned on each other when things seemed like we just couldn't go on anymore. The self sacrifice and dedication we all put into our teamwork and togetherness. The days when my body was healthy, and even though I don't have that any longer I still have my mind and my memories. No one can take those away.
I was always a compassionate person, but I think through all of this I've learned to appreciate everything more deeply. I'd still rather take someone else's pain than see them go through it. I anticipate the day when there's no more pain and suffering in the world. There's just so much more to see and discover.
And the greatest thing to discover is love. All types.
Have you ever held a tear on the tip of your finger and let the sun touch it? It glistens and shines. And it's like it holds a million secrets we never see. Or have you ever watched someone's face and as the smile emerges their eyes seem brighter? It's like seeing a sparkler light up the night. It's really awesome. Or how someone's laughter sounds. Just hearing it makes you feel happier inside. How about holding someone's hand? Feeling the softness or calluses, the security it can bring.
There are just too many little things we miss. They all add up into this huge overflowing cup of greatness. Can you feel it? I can, and it makes me smile.
Maybe I'll never do anything spectacular in my life. But even if I don't I'll always have felt the greatness. I'll have always searched out and found the best life had to give me. I think the end of the rainbow and pot of gold isn't about receiving gold coins but it's about the riches our journey was filled with.
In the end we get to be surrounded by all of it... that's pretty awesome!
10/13/2000 12:21:27 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Ugh, I feel kinda awful. Okay yeah, I feel really blah.
They keep telling me, "Cough, cough, cough." I'm trying. Really I am. It just isn't that easy. I hold a pillow, umm... well actually I practically strangle it next to me, and I cough. I have to tell you it hurts like hell-o!
I'm doing breathing treatments. You know it's a simple thing but right now it's pretty painful. *sigh* I think I'd rather eat raisins. Ack! Now that's pretty bad.
The funny thing is physically I feel very bad, but emotionally I'm loaded with lots of awesome energy. It doesn't balance out too well.
10/13/2000 08:23:03 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, October 12, 2000
*note: kaycee is feeling very ill today and cannot write an entry. debbie has asked me to post this intensely personal poem in its stead. kaycee wrote it after an extremely traumatic event that occured last year during her first battle with leukemia. debbie felt she would want to share this with you. ~bwg
Fear Or Dare?
I wasn't expecting it - yet suddenly it was there
The unwanted emotion, with a wide-eyed stare.
In a moment of panic, I knew it was fear
Robbing me of everything dear.
I clutched at the fading tunnel of light
"Oh Lord please don't take me - not on this night."
My thoughts were a jumbled, mass of despair
I just couldn't breathe... there was no air!
For a moment in time I felt weightless and free
Did I want to go back - would the pain follow me?
I had no choice, I fought all the way
Nothing came freely, what price would I pay?
A single tear slipped gently somewhere
One gasp, then another - fear became... dare.
Faces and voices - so frantic, unsure
My eyes pleaded for help, it was a race to endure.
Slowly, slowly, I fought the battle alone
As they stood back watching I heard a voice softly moan.
There was no time for anger, life was slipping by
A warm, soft breeze whispered... "try, try, try."
I knew I had won... defeated the fear
Embraced by the power of all I held dear.
Kaycee Nicole ~ September 30, 1999
10/12/2000 12:34:34 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Kaycee's fever holds steady at 101.
She is having more difficulty breathing from increased congestion in her lungs. The doctors have again increased her antibiotics.
She is also dealing with a great deal of abdominal pain, as well as some in her chest.
Please continue to pray for Kaycee. Thank you.
10/12/2000 11:58:45 AM |
° i am the warrior °
A Few Favourite Quotes
- I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday... and I love today.
- "Pain is weakness leaving the body." Whoever said that was wrong!
- Nobody, and I mean nobody, comes into our house and pushes us around. You know what you have to do. It's your game. Let's do it!
- Be glad of life, because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.
- I listened, motionless and still; and as I mounted up the hill, the music in my heart I bore, long after it was heard no more.
~ William Wordsworth
10/12/2000 11:37:17 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, October 11, 2000
The Visitor
There was a woman who noticed, after weeks in the hospital, that one room never seemed to have anyone coming or going except hospital staff. So she asked permission to visit that person.
When she went in she observed a young guy staring vacantly at the walls. There were no personal cards or pictures of loved ones. She soon learned he was alone, no family to visit him for reasons he would never open up too. His friends never seemed to visit although they could have. He was bitter and angry.
Everytime the woman visited she brought a smile and a small token, a card, a book, a notebook, a story. The young guy accused her of many things. He told her her gifts of pity weren't welcome. She calmly told him she didn't pity him because he seemed to have plenty of his own. She also told him she cared and there was a difference between pitying and caring.
The woman persisted in her visits. Sometimes she suffered his grudging silence but she chatted away as if he was answering. Sometimes she read poems or funny jokes. Sometimes she silently listened to him tell about his life. After awhile he anticipated her visits even though he probably didn't understand why she was doing it.
Finally he asked her why she continued to visit. She told him because we all need someone and right now she must be the one God chose. He sort of scoffed at her, not really believing it but he still didn't make her leave.
The young guy told her she didn't understand how awful his life would be when he got out of the hospital. People would call him crippled. He wouldn't be able to do things like he did before. He said he wouldn't be whole. The woman agreed with him. She told him those things were partly true.
But she asked him these things: "Does it matter what other people think they see? Don't you think being alive, even if you're different, is worth more than what you may have had before? You could have died, but you didn't. You still have your life, and what you decide to do with it now is completely your decision. You still have many avenues open to you."
The woman is my mom. The young guy was a patient who lost his leg to Bone Cancer. Mom says he's doing great. And I have a feeling he's gonna walk away with lots of faith and hope. It's kind of sad that his friends didn't have time to offer him the encouragement he needed.
But, I'm proud my mom did. I know it's hard to know what to say to someone who's going through a trauma. Being yourself works; it doesn't matter what you say, only that you took the time to say it.
10/11/2000 02:32:06 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Working Together
My friend Jess wrote me about her College life. She's having a good time, but she said she's having a problem with one of her dorm neighbors. I guess this person is causing her a lot of aggravation. I wrote her back and told her, "Kill 'em with kindness."
That's an expression my mom used to tell me all the time. When I was younger I thought she was crazy. I mean come on, when someone is harassing you the last thing you wanna do is be nice to them. But it usually worked. I don't know why people think they have the right to make someone else miserable just because they feel like it, they're jealous, or they lack some characteristic they see in you that they wish they had.
I know all too well what that's like. I don't think high school or college life has the market cornered on it either. Work. Your neighborhood. Church. It's pretty much everywhere. But I guess the outcome depends on the reaction. I usually tried to ignore it and be the bigger person. It can cause you a lot of heartache though.
 I remember one guy coming up to me, and his first line was, "Hey bitch." Ack! I didn't even know him and had never met him until that moment. I wasn't even sure he was talking to me so I kept walking. But things got worse and worse. He'd follow me around. It seemed no matter where I was, he'd be there too. And each time he'd speak to me he was more abusive and foul.
I was beginning to get ticked off. Finally I confronted him. I stopped him and spoke normally, "Excuse me! You know I have no clue who you are, and personally I could care less what you call me or what you even think of me. My name is Kaycee, not Hey Bitch, so from now on if you have something to say I'd appreciate it if you'd use my given name."
He sort of stared at me in surprise, then apologised. "I thought girls liked it when guys said those things." HUH? D'oh. What planet are you from? Sorry, not this girl. We actually went on to become pretty good friends after that.
Well the phrase kill 'em with kindness took on a lot of forms for me. Sometimes it was calm confrontation. Sometimes it was just looking someone in the eye, smiling and keeping silent. Sometimes it was taking the extra step and extending my hand. Most of the time it was me just being me and not giving in to the temptation to be like the other person. That's probably the hardest thing, not allowing them to thrive off your anger.
I still say love, strength and kindness win most battles. I try to live by those rules. Working together in harmony is much more productive anyway.
10/11/2000 10:15:42 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, October 10, 2000
Picture Perfect
Wow! I think I need a photo gallery for all these awesome pictures ya'll are sending me. They're gorgeous! And I love 'em.
What's so totally kewl about it is the thoughts they create in me. I mean have you ever just had a rush of words that you knew you had to write down, and they were coming so fast you just let your pen fly? And when you read it, you're like, "Whoa!!"
Well that's what happens to me, and I just wanted to thank all of you for keeping me inspired.
10/10/2000 08:14:40 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Through the Haze
Through the haze of fire and doom
Where the fear of death fiercely looms
The sky lights up with fiery flames
In an odd type of beauty we can not name.
Ashes fly ~ while trees give way
In one moment, their glory seems to sway.
A golden reflection flows on the river bed
While further downstream the water appears red.
In the midst of panic two deer await
Seemingly calm ~ as their home abates.
Through the haze we want to shed tears
For what is lost ~ or it appears.
When the rays of light finally break through
What is no more will become anew.
Healthier, Stronger, though progress seems slow
The sun, the rain will nurture and sow.
Time slips by ~ we patiently view
And then suddenly, as if on cue
Nature is wild and free once more
To bloom, and bud, and roam, and soar.
Kaycee Nicole 2000
10/10/2000 01:00:48 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, October 09, 2000
**Note To Self**
Yes, I've got a fever. Yes, I'm not feeling too well. Ha! One of my friends e-mailed me and chewed me out for not telling them. Michelle said, "Same old KC I see."
Ok, ok, I don't like to dwell on it. Ack! I admit it when I feel like it. D'oh. I never was much into complaining. I'd much rather sit and listen to someone else tell me their troubles. Actually I feel like I complain all the time. Or maybe it's just more than I ever did. Who knows?
It's kind of funny because the staff tells me stuff like:
1. "You smile 99% of the time and the other 1% you apologise for being in a bad mood."
2. "What are you like on a normal day?"
3. "Are you always this reasonably unreasonable?"
4. "You're very mature for your age."
5. "How do you stay so up?"
6. "You like getting your own way?"
To answer those comments and questions...
1) No I don't.
2) Wild and crazy.
3) It's called stubborn!
4) Only on M-W-F.
5) I don't, I float most of the time.
6) You betcha, doesn't everyone. Well I try.
'Nuff said. Sick or not, I can still smile.
10/9/2000 10:58:26 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Kaycee has developed a fever due to an infection in her lungs, a result of post-operative complications. It has risen to 102.
There is difficulty treating this as she is allergic to pencillin. The doctors have increased her antibiotics. There is a very real danger of developing pneumonia in these circumstances. Her breathing is laboured and she is having difficulty coughing to clear her lungs.
Please pray that this infection is overcome and that her lungs clear, as well as for her temperature to return to normal. Thank you.
10/9/2000 11:30:33 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Pamper The Pain
I've been running a fever for several days but it sort of feels nice in a way. The only thing I don't like is getting a sudden attack of the chills along with it. But I love those warmed blankets they bring. Ahhh... those feel really good.
Mom had a long talk with me about the pain issue. I don't know how she knew because I hadn't said anything to anyone. I just refused to take the type of pain medication they'd been giving me. Mom already knew how I felt about it all. So she came in this morning armed with lotion. She gave me one of those looks that told me she wasn't going to tolerate any of my stubborness. I wasn't really sure what she had in mind at that point.
In one of my college classes we had to do a study and report on the topic "Alternative Pain Management." At first I was going to do my paper on physical activity and exercise. I know for myself I could relate. If I kept my brain occupied with sports then I didn't have time to think about pain.
But I came across something else that caught my interest. The technique of Foot Reflexology. I read up on it as much as I could. I talked to a Reflexologist; I watched her and learned all that I could. Of course, I had to experiment on several people to draw my own conclusions. My mom was one of my willing subjects.
Reflexology isn't an exact science. It's theraputic in many ways though. So mom decided with my help she was going to use Foot Reflexology on me to help ease some of my pain. Basically, the short version of how this works is certain points on the bottom of the foot, when massaged, can help other parts of the body. The key is gentle circular motion. Well, if nothing else if feels really good.
I think I needed the extra circulation in my feet. Ack! They've been really cold lately. It felt so good I forgot about my pain. My only complaint would be that hospital lotion doesn't smell as good as my lotion at home. Think mom could sneak in some of my Victoria's Secret scented body lotion? Ahhh... that'd be awesome. Hmm, would that be added KCharisma.
Smile... the sun is shining!
10/9/2000 09:36:39 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, October 08, 2000
Just A Little Dignity
I don't ask for much from anyone, not even the doctors. I've got the right to choose. It's my treatment. I don't want the pain medication. Not because I think I'm so tough because I'm not.
But I have to have a little dignity, and I refuse to give up that last shed of it even if it means suffering extra pain. No one's happy with my decision but without my mind I have nothing. Everything else has been taken away from me. It's not anyone's fault. It's just how it's turned out right now. I'm living with it the best I can.
I know they're working on finding a better solution. Until they do I'm not taking the other medicine. It messes with my head too much. I need my own thoughts. It's the only thing I have left right now.
10/8/2000 11:58:10 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Today I'm thinking About...
how a fever makes you feel warm all over
the sadness I feel seeing my sister and brother go home
how much I love them
poetry
the difference between a new fallen leaf and one that has been laying on the ground awhile
hearing the sound of traffic
listening to classic 80's music
hanging out on college campus
the aroma of a scented candle
French Vanilla coffee with whipped cream
reading a book
feeling lonely in a crowd
10/8/2000 09:34:57 AM |
° i am the warrior °
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