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° a diary of survival ° |
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vital signs ° |
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living colours ° |
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Saturday, October 21, 2000
**As of 11 p.m. CST, Kaycee was placed in critical condition. Her fever has continued to climb. It is currently at 105. The seizures have become more frequent. She is very confused and has no recollection what is happening to her. The doctors are concentrating their efforts on controling the calcium levels, and lowering the temperature. ~Debbie**
10/21/2000 11:36:22 PM |
° i am the warrior °
**At approx. 8:15 p.m. CST, Kaycee began having convulsive seizures. Her temperature has risen to 104 and her calcium levels have dropped to dangerously low levels. I would welcome your prayers and the healing uplifting thoughts. ~ Debbie**
10/21/2000 09:11:07 PM |
° i am the warrior °
My sister sent me this picture with the following message:
"I'm sending you an angel kiss.
I love you Kaycee."
I love you too ChellaBella.
An Angel Kiss
Beneath a cloud of flowering mums, a cherub angel sits in rest.
Ever watchful all around, busy capturing beauty and happiness.
Someone offered a prayerful wish, a simple act of love.
They asked to send an angel kiss, touched by up above.
It floated to the heavens, was treated with utmost care
Then fluttered back to earth, for a little angel to share.
No one ever sees it happen, though the angel knows it's true,
The gift arrives in perfect form, like the early morning dew.
Patiently the cherub waits with the treasure in its hand,
For God to blow the kiss, He knows exactly where it must land.
Sailing through the warm, soft breeze, it arrives silently for you.
This touch of an angel kiss, is now a wish... come true.
Kaycee Nicole 2000
10/21/2000 11:32:06 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, October 20, 2000
The Spirit Of KC
Mark popped in to see me last night. He's a really busy third year resident. He's funny, understanding and caring. I think he'll make an awesome Doctor.
He swears he met me the first day I got here but I don't remember. D'oh. Lots of faces came and went that day. We've become pretty good friends. He's always doing stuff to make me laugh or just drops in to talk. Hmm... he says he can tell what kind of mood I'm in the second he walks through my door. I don't know about that.
Sometimes he comes in to study when he has a little break. I'm a pretty good quizmiester. Haha. I ask more questions then he's prepared for. Oopsy. I'm a curious person, what can I say? Other times he asks me questions, trying to understand how patients feel. It's one of the things I really like about him, his passion and compassion to see all sides of treating illness.
So he came in last night and decided he should read to me. He told me to just close my eyes, relax and listen. I couldn't help but laugh because he read from his textbook. But he made it all sound like a big adventure. I didn't know Intracranial Hematomas could be so ummm... interesting. Haha. But it was nice to have his company.
Mark asked me a weird question, "Kaycee, how do you picture yourself?" Before I could say anything he went on, "I don't mean when you look in the mirror, I mean how you perceive yourself spiritually. How do you see you?"
I shrugged, "I'm not sure."
"Yes you do." He gave me one of those chiding looks. "Don't take time to analyse it, just tell me what you think I'd see if your spirit paid me a visit."
"Hmmm... I think I'd be a brightness that emitted warmth and I'd be surrounded by awesome color. The kind that gave you the feeling of peace and contentment. Like seeing a rainbow as you stepped outside after a storm. I'd be free and proud like the eagle, yet graceful as the butterfly. And I'd go everywhere."
"How would you feel?" he asked.
"Happy and free," I replied.
"Just like you are now," he said.
Hmm... I guess that's sort of true. Just like I am right now.
10/20/2000 12:50:53 PM |
° i am the warrior °
I've got lots to say today but it'll come slowly because I'm doing it myself. Woo-hoo!
I sent my mom away. Haha. Actually I sort of pushed her out so she'd go see my g-pa. We both need to know he's doing okay.
I'm glad mom got a chance to get out. And it's good for me too. Hmmm... so who should I moon first? Mah hahaha
Smile! I insist.
10/20/2000 09:14:43 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, October 19, 2000
Not Just any Apple
My aunt came to visit. A little while after she left mom came in and set an apple on my stand. I looked at the apple, then back at my mom, then at the apple again. Well there's nothing unusual about an apple but to be honest I haven't seen a *real* one in a couple months. Okay I know you're laughing, but it's true.
I found out this isn't just any apple. It's a hand picked apple from Vermont. /hug Bonnie Wow! It's incredible. and it's REAL!! It's shiney, red-speckled (sorta like a strawberry looks) with just a touch of green on the bottom.
I asked mom if I could touch it. I held it in my hand and it felt cool. It also has this odd round shape and I can see the short little stem that held it on the tree. I lifted it to my nose and the sweet aroma made my mouth water. *sigh* I felt like I was outside for a few wonderful minutes in time. Thank you Bonnie. It wasn't just any apple... it was freedom.
10/19/2000 01:58:20 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Strong Hands To Hold Me
I didn't want to write this. I don't even want to admit I'm feeling all these ugly things. It does me more harm than good I think. I feel so trapped right now. I want to go home. I just seem to want all these things I can't have. I'm trying to deal with all this stuff but right now I'm not sure how.
Okay, I could shove it all back into my mind, not deal with it, not think about it... but I'd be fooling myself. I've just got all these stupid things bothering me. I can say they don't mean anything but they must or I wouldn't bother thinking about it. Somehow I have got to fit it all together.
Last night I started crying. I just let it go. I wanted something so simple, yet something impossible. I wanted strong arms to hold me, comfort me, tell me everything was going to be okay. The more I thought about it the harder I cried. I knew it wasn't going to happen. It's like I was mourning it's loss.
I thought about all the people who have that simple detail in their life. Do they take it for granted? Do they realise how lucky they are? Do they appreciate it?
Just to sit face to face with someone, and in a show of support they take your hand and listen to everything that you feel. The good, the bad, the ugly. They don't try to gloss over the things you fear or are concerned about.
To feel the warmth of their hand in your own. A simple physical contact. Not something that is rushed or meaningless. Not something that is expected, but given. Not something that is parental. Just one special person to another. Someone who isn't intimidated by the emotions you feel. Someone who, without thinking would reach up and wipe a tear away.
That's only a small part of what I'm missing. I'm afraid to open myself up to all the things I'm thinking about. They seem trivial but they're so important to existence. Spiritually I can feel those things, physically they elude me.
10/19/2000 10:13:44 AM |
° i am the warrior °
The China Doll
I never really knew how to tell my friends about my diagnosis back in 1999, so I expressed it the best way I knew how. This is included in my original Living Colors composition.
The China Doll
My grandmother had a China Doll that had been handed down for three generations within her family. I remember admiring the doll as it sat on the curio shelf in the living room. Those blue eyes stared back at me with endless abandon, yet seemed to call to me from afar. She was perfect.
One day my grandmother took the doll down and placed her in my arms. Upon closer inspection I noticed many flaws and imperfections. Somehow this made the doll more of a treasure. Touchable. Reachable. Not quite so forbidden.
There is a bit of that China Doll in all of us. We strive for perfection but find we can not live up to such a mighty task. I am the
worst about setting goals for myself and then feeling I have let others around me down in some way. Today, I find myself faced with the greatest challenge I feel I will ever have to endure.
Life.
Not just life as we live it, filled with trivial problems. But, that wonderful moment to moment existence.
I was diagnosed with Cancer. Yes, the dreaded C-word that we all fear we could someday hear. Typically, I spent the first two weeks living in denial. I watched my mother cry and yet I told myself it wasn’t real. I knew I would wake up and everything would be fine.
Reality hit me hard the next week. I felt my world had collapsed around me. The China Doll became a shattered, crumbled piece of broken glass, beyond repair. Slowly I started fitting the pieces back together. There was no one who could magically fix this. It was up to me to begin the process. It was up to me to fight for my future. I refused to be a lifeless piece of potter’s clay.
It is hard facing the truth. Even harder admitting it to others and feeling like you are less of a person because of it. My friends suddenly become the bond and strength that holds me together when I feel as though I am falling to the ground below. My goals in life have changed drastically. What was once important has somehow become secondary. As well, the world seems a much brighter place filled with constant discoveries that perhaps I had overlooked before.
Each moment of life I want to grasp with glorious rapture and cling to it, as I never have before. Yet, deep within me I fear what others will think of me. Am I weak? Am I not as human as I once was? Am I a failure because a disease I do not want has the power to consume me?
I choose to fight with every ounce of my being to overcome and be victorious. Will I win? I don’t have the answer to that question. There
is never a guarantee about tomorrow for any of us. So in reality we all share the same obstacle.
I am the China Doll, seemingly perfect from afar. But you will find, upon closer inspection, all the flaws and imperfections that life can hand anyone. Though cracked, I am uniquely me. A treasure waiting to be discovered through the eyes of those who love me for who and what I am. I ask nothing more, nothing less.
I vow to fight the fight, run the race, and not let this cruel twist of fate defeat me. If I bring a smile into your world then I have won. If I hear your laughter then I know success. It I lift you up and bring you joy, then together we have learned to fly.
Kaycee Nicole
Do not walk in front of me, I may not follow. Do not walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
10/19/2000 07:59:35 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, October 18, 2000
 The Web We Weave
I don't like spiders or snakes. I respect them from a distance. As much as I don't like them I sort of find the spider artistically inclined. Hmm... I personally find nothing artistic about snakes. *shiver*
I came home from basketball practice one night, headed to the back door like I always do and walked right into a spiders web. Ewww. You know how you hurry to get that off of you, because you're afraid that little creature might be lurking around and crawling on you. Well, I did that, then went inside. The next morning I had practice again so I went rushing out the back door only to walk into another web. This time it was bigger. It was almost like that spider was trying to prove a point.
This kept happening for a couple days. I decided I'd had enough. I went out early with destructive intent, a search and destroy mission. The spider and its web had to go. I swiped my mom's broom so I was armed and dangerous.
When I opened the back door I was a little surprised to see how big the spider's web had gotten. It was hard to miss. Dew had formed on the silken strands and the sun was hitting it perfectly. I just stood there in awe. I thought about all the work that had gone into it. How pretty it was when I finally took the time to look at it. I kept destroying her home and the spider kept rebuilding. I hated to admit that I was the reason. She was almost telling me, "I'll keep going and going."
Of course, I had to think about that story "Charlotte's Web," but I didn't know what Charlotte #2's game plan was. Well, I compromised on my original plan to search and destroy. With the broom I relocated the spider to another less traveled area of our house.
The funny part was after I did that I'd go and check on the spider's progress. It was pretty interesting to observe, but I'd have hated being the moth caught in the web.
All of nature has its instinct to stay alive. They usually only take what they need to survive. And, in an odd way everything has a beauty to it, if we choose to see it.
10/18/2000 08:57:24 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, October 17, 2000
Dr_J_Suess_MD
I can't listen to this song by Celine Dion without crying:
Because You Loved Me
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm not a singer but I tried to sing this song at a funeral of someone who meant the world to me. I got about two or three lines into the song and I started crying. My friend Ashley came up and took my hand, together we started over and somehow got through it. The words reflected how I felt for what this person had given me. I affectionately called him Doc John... aka Dr_J_Suess_MD (I gave him this name because he had a great sense of humor and we both liked those Dr. Suess hats.)
For nine months he blessed me with his wisdom, love, friendship, and unshakeable faith. He was the Onocologist who saved my life, and through his efforts of massively attacking my Leukemia put me into remission. We celebrated life at every turn. He taught me so much. He became my lifeline of hope. He would always tell me, "Kaycee, I'm not the keeper of time." I can't even put into words how I felt when his life tragically ended.
Even though listening to the song "Because You Loved Me" makes me cry, they are tears filled with memories. The smiles, the hugs, the laughter, the determination, the pain, the strength, and the love. It's amazing when you think about how someone can burst into your life for a short time and fill you with a lifetime of memories.
/salute Doc John... I still love you.
10/17/2000 10:45:41 AM |
° i am the warrior °
The Notebook
It's just a pad of paper without a personality
Empty lines that have no meaning, no goal or destiny,
Even when I add the ink it doesn't suddenly reform
Until I fill it with my thoughts then the pages begin to transform.
Sometimes it's an endless highway, tales of travel to be told.
Other times it's a city block filled with people young and old.
Once in awhile it's a chapter from my chaotic book of life
Full of hopes and dreams and ways to end all strife.
It can paint a thousand pictures for articulate display,
A palette in the artists hand to meld a colorful array.
If the beauty leaps into your heart, it then becomes a song
A haunting melody of prose to accompany the silent notes along.
Always it's the caring friend, absorbing love throughout the stages,
Wistful dreams and promises, confessed on tattered pages.
It never passes judgement on silly things we say
It stores up all the knowledge to learn another day.
I breath my life and visions into what was an empty book
Somehow suddenly it comes alive when someone takes a look.
When it's time to go and my soul can freely soar
The pages filled to overflowing as I journey on forevermore.
The sun will weather the pages, the breeze will gently turn back time
As my thoughts live through the ages, precious and uniquely mine.
The smile will always warm you from the words I had to say,
It isn't just a notebook... it's a gift of love to touch you, each and every day.
Kaycee Nicole 2000
10/17/2000 08:58:42 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, October 16, 2000
update! kaycee just got the results of her chest x-rays. the good news is, so far there is no pneumonia.
the bad news is:
- she has some pleurisy in her chest. that is what has been causing her breathing pain. for those of you who don't know, pleurisy is inflammation of the linings of the lungs. it makes you feel like your ribs are broken.
- aside from painkillers, all the doctors can do at the moment is breathing therapy and helping her to cough.
- they are watching her very closely for any signs of pneumonia, as well as empyema (pleural effusion).
- her fever is holding at 101, and she is still having difficulty eating anything solid.
for those of you who have been praying for her, please continue. send her some love in her email. let's all help her through her pain.
thank you. ~bwg
10/16/2000 06:27:31 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Woo-hoo! A few friends of mine have been working on a community website. It's ready for new members and it's totally kewlio!!
Go have a look, and tell 'em Kaycee sent you!! Yee-ha!
Utonica Community
10/16/2000 03:05:14 PM |
° i am the warrior °
 The Silver Lining
Where's the silver lining when you need it? I think it's always there but sometimes we have to search harder to find it. Maybe then it means more to us.
It's kind of like that feeling of relief after we've been stressing over something for awhile and it finally gets resolved. The funny thing is after it's over we wonder why in the world we got so bent out of shape over it to begin with.
I sort of felt like that last year after losing my hair from chemo. It grew back. It wasn't a big deal. You would've thought I'd have been better about it the second time but I wasn't. In fact when I came out of remission in July I panicked. But this time it was due to something totally different. I let everything become overshadowed by worrying about what someone else would think of me. In fact, I vowed I wasn't even going to do chemo again.
I cried so much and it was because I knew deep down what I needed to do but I didn't want to make the sacrifice. It took four people to rescue me from myself. Jim, John, Peter, and Randy. I love those guys with all my heart.
D'oh! Sometimes I can be way to stubborn. We all need other people to push us in the right direction. For me, I had to fall down before anyone could help me back up. If someone really loves you they'll stick with you no matter what. It doesn't matter, they'll be there 24/7, even if it's just in spirit, you'll know it.
It's awesome to know I can look up and even though I might have to patiently wait for it. The silver lining will always reveal itself. Now that's an awesome feeling.
10/16/2000 09:52:32 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, October 15, 2000
Colour Me Blue
Grrr… I’m in a bad mood. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being here. I’m tired of everything being so much bigger than I am right now. For hours my thoughts have been replaying part of a psalm of David over and over in my head:
- Yea, though I wake through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
I don't know why I keep hearing the words. But I did so when the Social Worker came in I wanted to talk about it. I’m not afraid to talk about death. I’m thinking the reason I feel like I do is because I’m having a lot of pain and discomfort. There doesn’t seem to be a break in it. I guess I was wondering if it’s normal to think like this? I just wanted some sort of reassurance. I sure didn’t get that.
The SW listened, then told me, “In my opinion you’re depressed.”
Depressed? Huh? I told him I’m not depressed. He kept insisting I was. I kept telling him I wasn’t.
He made me mad. Since when does talking about death make you depressed? ACK! Life and death walk hand in hand. Death isn’t depressing. It causes pain, and sorrow, and grief. Those are natural things just like dying is. I think if I denied I’d ever die than maybe someone better start worrying about me because that isn’t natural. We have to face that fact sometime. I’m not excessive about it but I don’t want to feel guilty when I do feel the need to talk about it openly.
So I told the SW he’s not facing his own fears about death if he thinks I’m depressed just because I try to search within myself about why I’m thinking about the Psalms. That doesn’t mean anything except I’m tired and weary. Sheesh, I’m analyzing myself now.
I got sort of snotty with him. "You aren't smiling so I guess you’re depressed too. They have a pill for that!" He didn’t like my comment, and started writing furiously in his notebook, when he glared at me I finished my comment. "It's called a CHILL pill, let me spell it for you C - H - I - L - L and it comes in all colors! And you can quote me on that!!!”
Ugh. I’m having a bad day. But just because I am doesn’t mean I’m depressed. I know what depression is. I see how it works. My dad’s a really good example. It’s that prime case of people who don’t know you trying to pass judgment. And you know what… that’s a really big judgment to make. I wasn’t in the mood for it. I’m too grumpy.
I’m just searching for the sunshine today. There’s no crime in that.
10/15/2000 12:30:47 PM |
° i am the warrior °
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