Saturday, November 04, 2000
Morning Routine
I was teasing Mom about how she has a morning routine. She wakes up, yawns and stretches then does this funny hip and shoulder rotation. She says it's to re-align everything. After she's presentable she leaves and a little later comes back with coffee and juice in one hand and a paper in the other. I get the juice.
I realized lately I've got a routine too. After I wake up I turn on the TV and listen to MTV until after breakfast. While I'm listening to that I've been logging on the net to read current happenings. It's the new age of me, my juice and my internet. Haha. Actually, that's just the beginning because the staff is always coming and going before the sun even comes up.
Before breakfast I have to squeeze in the lab work and pass inspection, chart the uncharted. If I'm lucky breakfast might still be warm.
Once all that's out of the way several things sort of happen at once. Me and my machinery get to get up and progress to the shower if everything is going right. Otherwise it's the dreaded Mobile potty patrol, complete with bedpan to sponge bath materials. The key here is remain well enough to move on command. Sometimes I don't feel well enough to even care, so it's not a big deal.
I do have to say most nurses master the art of magical bedside manner. A good nurse can put me at ease no matter what they're doing to me. Soothing voice and gentle hands seem to distract me from feeling inadequate or helpless. The name Angels of Mercy truly fits their occupation.
So while I get the royal treatment of hot water in the shower (and believe me I appreciate this small luxury) my bed is transformed into crisp, clean and neatly arranged linen. Pretty kewl, but they don't leave a mint on my pillow.
Then I get tucked back in to wait for the entourage of Doctors, Residents, Interns, etc. to file in. I'm lucky because I get to joke around, it actually a serious but fun time. After that it's Respiratory and Physical Therapy. Other stuff gets thrown in there, like morning walks, coughing, dressing changes, catheter adjustments, medicine changes, etc.
I think I liked the simpler days where I just got up, changed clothes, ran 4 miles, came home, showered and changed, grabbed a drink then hit the back door to watch the sunrise. This time of year I'd head to basketball practice at 7 a.m. and continue on from there.
Ahh... I miss that, but thinking about it makes me smile. It was all so simple.
11/4/2000 10:38:27 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Check out the kewl night life in New York shots Pat took on his trip to the Big Apple. I want to go there.
I'll have more later about my recent absentee voting. Woo-hoo. Decisions, decisions.
11/4/2000 07:38:06 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, November 03, 2000
Nebula
A Nebula is a cloud of dust particles and gases in space. That's the simple scientific explanation. I'm captivated by the beauty and magic they offer.
It's probably another part of life we don't think about much. But it's out there... hidden in the velvet night, draped with stars.
I guess we could think of it as a kaleidoscopic creation. Each one spectacular as light passes through it. Imagine the streamers in blue, ribbons of pinks, foggy green haze, sparkles of gold, and vapors of white. The dancing movement of elements creating its own silent melody.
How awesome would it be to be a spectator? It wouldn't compare to any laser show or fireworks display we'd ever seen. And what would we feel as we observed it? Peacefulness. Excitement. Weightless and free. Awed and inspired. Overwhelmed. Mystified.
I think it'd be one of those things we can't adaquately put into words. Something that couldn't be explained but needed to be felt inside you. Kind of like listening to jazz, or sitting on a porch swing and hearing a soft rain fall to earth.
We have to feel the beauty. Sometimes we don't need to see it, we just know it's there.
11/3/2000 11:53:52 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, November 02, 2000
Name That Thing-A-Ma-Jig
Okay I'm passing time, Mom's like 2 hours late. *Don't worry yet*, ugh, I'm not a good wait-er!
I'm distracting myself. Andrea sent an e-mail that had entries from a CBC radio constest... Rename the Hospital Johnny. Some of these are really funny:
peekabum, aftdrafter, backdraft, flashgown, moonsuit, medi-mooner, mooncape, paper moon, probe-robe, flapjacket, gape-drape, buttdress, flying butt-dress, splitshift, body-bibs, clamshell, bumbersuit, oscar de la venta, humilidrape, rearview mumu, gaperon, cape fear, crack jacket, shock-frock, indignightie, stringcheekini, falter top, the half monty
The ones I liked are in bold. Haha. Mark liked splitshift, so if he tells me he's doing a *splitshift* we might want to question him further. Too funny.
11/2/2000 09:34:28 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Mom e-mailed me this pic... I think it's awesome!
We Will Be
In summer days the wall stood strong,
Ivy weaved and creeped along,
As fall took hold the vine remained,
With a single leaf that has sustained.
The flaming red absorbs the light,
Bathed in warmth ~ it's clinging tight.
It whispers out so magically...
I seem alone, but do you see
The vine is what has made me grow
Nourished me, and made me whole.
I am it, it is me,
We are one... again, we will be.
Kaycee Nicole 2000
11/2/2000 11:18:38 AM |
° i am the warrior °
In The Name Of Progress
The Hickman, you remember Romeo?? Well, he needed some adjustments. Ugh, I hate that.
At least I don't have an IV in my hand. Hmm... I guess that's good. I think I'm making some slow progress here. Woo-hoo! Still have a low grade fever that doesn't seem to want to let go. It still hurts to breath but not bad.
So... my question to you is Are you smiling? I am. The sun is out. There's nothing but blue skies. And I feel good.
I told Mark thanks for not telling me what the haunted hamburger could do to you. Ack! Believe me, it wasn't good. But I was thinking, a piece of coconut cream pie would be awesome. Grrr... now I'm hungry. Haha!
Can I get that to go???
11/2/2000 09:24:35 AM |
° i am the warrior °
It's kind of quiet around here without mom around. I wish I could've gone home with her.
Man... I miss everyone at home.
11/2/2000 09:10:22 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, November 01, 2000
Embracing The Gift Of Love
There’s a dark side to me. A side that’s time to conquer. To do that I’ve had to search in the gloomy recesses of my mind and remember. I’m not really much different than others when it comes to relationships. I’ve failed at a lot of them. I know I’m young and I’ve got a lot to learn. But so far the lessons have been unpleasant.
I don’t think they're suppose to be this destructive. I guess I’ve been building up this wall for several years. Since the beginning of the year I’ve been telling myself I don’t need any kind of relationship. Friends are good enough. I know how to love, it’s not really a question about that. I know how to receive love, or do I? This equation seems to be the one giving me a lot of trouble: love + relationship = hurt
I guess I had given up hope thinking I deserved to be in a relationship. For many reasons. I have Cancer, therefore I shouldn’t accept anything because it might cause someone else pain. That’s probably the biggest obstacle I needed to overcome. I’ve heard all the arguments, and I even have my own words haunting me. It comes down to excuses. And I seem to have plenty of them.
The first line to “I am the Warrior” is… You run, run, runaway it's your Heart that you betray. I realized that was me. To understand why, I had to go back to the beginning. I really thought I’d dealt with it, but what I’d done was only half tackled it and shoved the rest of it away. The avalanche of emotions swept me down the mountain. I’m not sure I was prepared for what it made me see.
I started dating when I was 15. Mom is old-fashioned and had said 16 but she made an exception. Jay (for his family’s protection I won’t use his real name) was the son of a minister. Nice, clean cut, every parent’s dream for their daughter. I liked him, we seemed to have some things in common. He was two years older than me, played sports, and was good in school.
At first everything was kewl. Pretty soon things started to change. It was subtle at first, then it started getting much worse. My hair wasn’t right, my clothes weren’t right… he even said I wasn’t shooting the basketball right. He called me all the time to check up on me. He talked to my friends to see if I was telling the truth. I grew really weary of him trying to change me into some sort of Barbie Doll to make him look better.
But I was young and tried to tell myself it’d get better. It didn’t. I tried to break up with him several times and each time he knew how to make me feel guilty and give it another try. He said he’d try to fix things. What that meant was he’d keep trying to change me, wear me down even more.
After a year, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I felt trapped in unhappiness. So I told him it was over as nicely as I could. He kept calling. Then he threatened to kill himself if I didn’t come back. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go back. He’d beaten me down to a person I didn’t want to be. I couldn’t handle his possessiveness and jealousy.
I talked to our school counselor about it. Jay needed help, and giving in to him wasn’t going to solve his problems. Within a day or two Jay tried to OD. While he was in the hospital he wanted me to come see him, he said it was my fault. And his parents were blaming me too. I was advised not to go see him. I agreed, it wouldn't help. I had a mutual friend check on him, but I stayed away.
After he got out, he started calling me again and showing up everywhere I was. In the next six months I just couldn’t seem to date anyone without it turning into a huge messy game. I stopped being a person and suddenly became a prize. I guess I started distrusting people, and I let that wall try to shield me from the hurt I felt. I stopped dating and decided friendship was much easier. Guys as friends were awesome. Guys as dating/relationships seemed to take on a dimension from another world.
By the time I was diagnosed with Cancer I faced a new set of problems. I was busy trying to stay alive. I started pushing people away from me. Not too long after that, Jay finally did what he said he’d do. He ended his life. His parents continued to blame me. I knew it wasn’t my fault. I was so angry that he’d thrown his life away I couldn’t go to the funeral. His parents chose to blame, rather than face the fact he’d needed help. I was the easiest target. But I could live with myself because I had tried to do the right thing.
What had I learned up to this point? To say a polite “No thank you” meant I was a snob, a bitch, someone too good to lower their standards. The truth was I’d had no standards other than “treat me with respect as a person - see me for who I am inside.” That’s all I really wanted. I looked good so I wasn’t supposed to have a heart, or a brain, or even feelings. It didn’t make sense to me.
I liked who I was. What I stood for. Some guys thought being turned down gave them reason to retaliate. It meant they could grab you or shove you, or hit you, or throw words at you, or just hurt you in anyway they saw fit. I had to learn to deal with it. Those things made me more determined to rise above it, but it made me leery of a person’s intentions.
So I’ve had to deal with all of these things. I never let them stop me from loving, but I kept trying to close the door on the other person. I guess I became a victim of myself. Mark’s right, I needed to quit thinking so much, and allow myself to experience what’s freely given to me. Seize the moment. It’s a gift from God. How can I rightfully turn it away?
I deserve happiness... we all do.
11/1/2000 10:03:53 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, October 31, 2000
Trick Or Treat
Ack!
Sheesh... Mom wins again!
10/31/2000 10:32:52 AM |
° i am the warrior °
What Would The Chicken Have To Say?
Happy Halloween. No I won't be doing any treating tonight but I might try to come up with a few tricks. Hey, not even hospitals can stop a few good jokes. Haha.
I mentioned I could go as a vampiress. So a few of my friends came up with my official name. I'd become KCount Kutebabeacula. Thanks Al and Randy. *pounce*
Too funny.
Lisa sent me this joke and it cracked me up so I decided to share it. I hope it brings you a smile at least. Work those muscles! Who cares about the laugh lines?
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
VICE PRESIDENT GORE:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight
for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH:
I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN:
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.
SECRETARY CHENEY:
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
RALPH NADER:
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to
create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it-the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes!
The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To... boldly go... where... no chicken... has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
GEORGE BUSH:
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
10/31/2000 08:00:51 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, October 30, 2000
No Wisdom There
I'm finally able to write on my own again. I'm glad because when things hit me I just want to go with it. I've had a lot on my mind lately. I'm slowly getting it composed. Hopefully it'll be done soon and I can kiss it good-bye forever. I hope.
I had an e-mail from Jim I read this morning. It made me think about family members who influenced my life. Some of them weren't good role models. Like my great grandpa and grandpa. They were racists. I can't put it in nice terms, that's what they were. I would hear them say some of the most awful things, and they didn't care.
I'd get peeved when others dismissed it as nothing. They'd say, "Oh, that's just the way they grew up." D'oh. As if that explains everything and makes it right. Big deal! They changed from horse to automobile. They changed from lanterns to electricity. They proved they could change with the times. Truth is they didn't want to. And so that excuse about growing up like that is a bunch of crap.
When I was around six I heard my grandpa use a word that I'd been taught was very disrespectful. So I told him he needed his mouth washed out with soap. He told me to shut the hell up, I was a girl and girls needed to be in the kitchen learning how to cook. As I got older, what I learned was I didn't want to be like him, think like him or act like him. I'll give him credit for that much.
I don't think he really likes that I turned out to be like my mom because she always stood up to him. The one thing she'd tell me is, "Kaycee, you love him because he is your grandpa. But the way he thinks is wrong, and we don't have to agree with it." And I never did.
10/30/2000 06:09:51 PM |
° i am the warrior °
I wish I could write things as meaningful as this (Thank you Karen):
Don't quit when the tide is the lowest for it's about to turn;
Don't quit over doubts and questions, for there's something you may learn.
Don't quit when the night is darkest for it's just awhile 'til dawn;
Don't quit when you've run the farthest, for the race is almost won.
Don't quit when the hill is steepest, for your goal is almost nigh;
Don't quit for you're not a failure until you fail to try.
~ Jill Wolf
**To all my e-pals: Thank you with all my heart. Please don't stop sending me your thoughts, your opinions, your stories, your inspitation. I read everything you have to say and it makes me smile... it makes me think, it makes me feel alive.
10/30/2000 07:52:26 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, October 29, 2000
The Warrior
I am the Warrior! Here are the lyrics* to one of my favorite songs:
You run, run, runaway it's your
Heart that you betray
Feeding on your hungry eyes
I bet you're not so civilized
Isn't love primitive a wild gift
You wanna give
Break out of captivity
And follow me stereo jungle child
Love is the kill your heart's still wild
chorus:
Shootin' at the walls of heartache
Bang, bang, I am the warrior
Yes I am the warrior
And heart to heart you win
If you survive the warrior, the warrior
You talk, talk, talk to me
Your eyes touch me physically
Stay with me, we'll take the night
As passion takes another bite
Oh, who's the hunter
Who's the game
I feel the beat call your name
I'll hold you close in victory
I don't wanna tame your animal style
You won't be caged
From the call of the wild
repeat chorus and fade
*Lyrics are reprinted without permission. They were taken directly from the album sleeve, and reproduced exactly.
10/29/2000 11:36:33 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Just Beat It
Woo-hoo! My friend Justin stopped by and visited with my mom. He's on his way to Atlanta for some technical training. I want to wish him the best. He brought me a new set of Hickory Drum Sticks and the note said, "Just beat it!" Awww... that's too kewl.
Justin used to join us amateurs in our jam sessons every once in awhile. We weren't very good but our friends appreciated our efforts. The great part was we just had fun with the music. Music - poetry in motion.
I miss those lazy Sunday afternoons where we met at Steve's house. We'd set up right outside in the front yard. Usually we just had two bass guitars, and drums. We'd start playing some of our favorites, like My Sharonna by The Knack, R.E.M, CCR, Boston, AC/DC. I especially liked the ones with awesome drum beats. I could just pour all my energy into the songs.
The neighbors would come outside with their lawn chairs and have fun with us. Sometimes other friends would come rushing over with their instruments. A saxophone, electric keyboard, we even had a tuba player a few times. It didn't really matter that it wasn't perfect, and sometimes the mix was a little extreme. I guess the thing was we were all having a great time, which was the whole point anyway.
There didn't seem to be any generation gaps. A few times our fun turned into a huge BBQ, then impromptu dances. It always felt like a huge family reunion of souls. I guess some people might not ever experience something like that. They're really missing out. But then, I also know a lot of youth and young adults who think that type of scene is beneath them. That's pretty sad when you think about it. I'd hate to close myself off to what past, present and future generations contribute to the entire portrait of life.
No one is beneath me, no one is above me. I've learned from everyone. To embrace life you can't have tunnel vision. To be a pioneer you only have to have a vision of making things better, then set out to accomplish it.
Start small, think big... then just beat it!
10/29/2000 10:03:08 AM |
° i am the warrior °
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