Saturday, December 23, 2000
A Touch Of Spring
I love it when weird things happen. I'll take what I can get around here.
Late this afternoon I'm better but not the greatest. The morning had been worse but laying perfectly still made everything bearable. Can you imagine?? So anyway I was trying to think some good thoughts and distract myself from the discomforts I felt.
This guy suddenly walks in my room. It's pretty apparent he's not someone who's suppose to be here. He didn't have on any scrubs. No mask. No white coat. No smock. He wasn't a member of my family. And in each hand he had a vase full of flowers. Across one of the floral arrangements it said, "Congratulations."
Yah... he definately was lost.
Before I could say anything he set the flowers down on the stand in front of me and left. Well... I knew the flowers were a big no-no. I thought I'll just look at them a second then I'll call the nurse. They were so gorgeous. Pink carnations, red roses, baby's breath, some lavender flowers, yellow daisies... how could it hurt to look. I reached up and touched the petals. I couldn't help it. They felt like silk, so soft. It was like springtime right in the middle of my room.
I don't think five minutes went by before the nurse came in to do her charting. She took one look at the flowers and threw a fit. I swear they were gone in like two seconds flat. And she was all worked up about it.
I can still smell the freshness lingering around me. I felt like I'd been touched by a ray of sunshine. Somebody was smiling down on me.
Thank you, Thank you.
12/23/2000 05:56:59 PM |
° i am the warrior °
A Piece Of Christmas
Mom and I agreed to share a Christmas memory today. So here's mine.
My sister, brother and I were always in the church Christmas programs. As part of the youth and children's festivities we all got together for a pizza party and decorated a tree in the hallway.
The church had a beautiful Angel that we placed on top of the tree every year. It'd been given as a gift to the church in the 1920's. All of us knew to be really really careful with it. Usually the pastor or youth director put it on while the rest of us watched in awe. There was just something about the angel that left you feeling awe inspired. It just seemed to emit its own glow.
The three of us had gone to the church one night to shoot hoops. It had a big rec hall attached to the back of the orginal building where everyone could hang out and have fun. About 30 minutes after we got there my brother came running up to me and said, "Kaycee the Angel's gone." We all went running into the hallway to see. Sure enough it was missing. We looked all over the church before panicking.
I asked my brother if he remembered seeing the Angel when he first came in. I was pretty sure I had but I wanted to make sure. Both him and my sister had seen it on the tree.
Earlier there'd been other kids there with us, but they'd all left and gone home. I'd been given the key so I felt responsible. I'd made a promise to the youth pastor to keep things under control. I was pretty upset that the angel was missing.
We decided to lock up and go find everyone who'd been there with us. See if they saw anything, knew anything. I was praying the entire time... please God, let us find the Angel.
After an hour of little information we went to the last person someone had remembered seeing there. As we walked up to the trailer my sister commented on how awful it'd be to live there. The yard was a maze of cluttered junk. The porch was falling apart. There weren't any Christmas lights outside. It was pretty depressing.
We knocked on the door and waited. None of us knew this kid very well. He was fairly new to our area, about 12 years old, and pretty quiet.
He finally answered the door and I told him the angel from the tree was missing. I noticed he kind of stiffened but he shook his head and said he didn't know anything. He pretty much shut the door in our faces.
We left and walked about halfway down the driveway. I stopped and told my sister and brother to wait for me. Something told me I really needed to go back.
I knocked again. He answered almost right away. I said, "You know if the person who borrowed the Angel were to give it back, no one would ever know. They wouldn't get in trouble because I'd never tell. It's really the right thing to do." He looked at me with a worried look on his face. Then he left and came back. He handed me the Angel. I whispered, "Thank you." He hung his head and said, "I only wanted to have a piece of Christmas. I swear I would have put it back." I told him I was sure he would have.
He only wanted a piece of Christmas.
Later as I put the Angel carefully back on top of the tree I was trying to figure out what he meant by that. But then, when I stepped back and looked at the Angel in the darkness of the room the material on her dress looked like tiny sparkling stars. I remembered we hadn't even seen a glowing tree inside that boys house. One little angel had given him a brief glimpse of Christmas... so much so that he wanted to take it home.
When we got home I went into our attic and found a bunch of old Christmas decorations and a little tree that my mom didn't use anymore. I asked her if I could give it to someone who needed a little piece of Christmas. Then I asked her if we could buy an Angel to put on top of it. We all agreed to take one gift from under our tree that's we'd gotten for a friend and add it.
In the darkness we left a small piece of Christmas sitting on a broken down porch. And that new little angel sort of glowed in the moonlight as we walked away.
I love Christmas.
12/23/2000 11:00:10 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Happy Day-Before-Christmas-Eve-Day. I just invented it; let's celebrate.
Ugh... all those who feel sick raise your hand. *raises hand*
That'd be moi.... Je serai de retour plus en retard. Bonjour.
12/23/2000 07:00:05 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, December 22, 2000
Mah hahaha Pat I think I saw that movie. *My Mom's An Ax Murderer* or something like that... I had an older teacher in school who used to always tell us girls about wearing white after Labor Day. Too funny.
Btw... I put my order in for fish net black socks. Hmm... I nearly gave my doctor a heart attack! /innocent grin.
12/22/2000 12:39:00 PM |
° i am the warrior °
The Kaycee Revolution
You say you want a revolution,
well, you know,
we all want to change the world.
Okay I just have to speak up for myself sometimes. You know. I can only be pushed so far. There are just some things in life that have this big N - O written all over them. Surely you know what I mean. It's wrong, just plain wrong.
The nurse brings me a pair of those white stockings and tells me my doctor wants me to wear them. Their purpose is to deter blood clots from forming in your legs. I told her, "Ack!!! I can't wear those!!"
She said, "Why? Don't tell me it's against your religion" (Haha she's funny). She went on, "Kaycee you know what these are. Girl you've have them before."
I shake my head. Nope, not wearing them.
She gave me the eye. "Kaycee, don't make me have to go get Mark."
I laughed. "I'm not afraid of him and I'm still not wearing them socks."
She put her hands on her hips. "And why not???"
My eyes got really big. "I just can't. It'd ruin my reputation."
She looked surprised. "You're reputation. How would these socks ruin your reputation?"
I rolled my eyes at her. "Paula, everyone knows you don't wear white after Labor Day. D'oh." (Hahaha)
Paula pinched my toe. "You, Kaycee girl are a riot. But you still have to wear the socks."
I shrugged. "Ok, but will you do me a favor? Bring me some markers because I'm not wearing those socks while they're white.
I know, I know. I'm giving them a hard time, but it's my job. Woo-hoo!
12/22/2000 09:47:25 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, December 21, 2000
I'll Take Curtain #1
I don't really talk too much about my treatments.
There are a few reasons for that. For one, I don't really like to dwell on most of it. Second, I'm not sure how useful the information is to anyone else.
I think I said before that each Cancer and how it's treated is unique, just like the person who has it. There are certain standards and similarities, but beyond that it can be trial and error. A person's attitude plays an important role in it too. So when you put all that together it's going to be a different experience for everyone who goes through it.
I started the chemo yesterday. This is the 3rd time in 18 months. That fact alone isn't very good. And this one will be different than the previous two. Different drug, different dosage. Hopefully the side effects will be kinder. I'm hoping anyway.
I remember the first time I ever had chemo. Even though I'd been versed on the information I had this idea in my head that the minute the drug entered my body it'd be instant sickness. Not true at all. Keep in mind there are a few ways you can be given chemo. A pill, injection, or through an IV.
Usually the first dose didn't make me sick right away, but within 24 hours I'd have to retract my statement about being *a piece of cake*. You get to a point where all thoughts of pride leave you and you're just praying to see the sun rise on another day. Then other times you just feel tired but function normally like any other day. I've noticed for me I get really bad headaches. Like last night that's about the only complaint I had.
It's amazing to think about all the people who go through this almost everyday. Thousands and thousands of patients will be taking a chemo treatment today. That's a lot of people who need our good karma sent their way.
I usually don't ask for extra meds but last night my head was hurting pretty bad and since I couldn't find a hammer I decided some relief was due. I was given a pill. I popped it in my mouth and took a big drink to swallow it. Ack! The darn thing stuck to the side of my throat. When I tried to swallow and force it down it moved just enough to catch on my windpipe. I tried coughing but that made it worse. Next thing I knew I was gagging on the stupid thing. How hard is it to swallow a pill? Sheesh.
I was laughing about it later. I told the nurse the pill reminded me of velcro. You know how every year at the fair they'd have some sort of wild stunt you could try. There was one year where people could put on a suit, then bounce and fly on to a giant piece of velcro. *Crunch* They'd look like a spiderman stuck to sticky paper. Haha. Too funny.
Hmm... where'd that thought come from?? Don't ask. But I bet you're smiling.
12/21/2000 09:55:53 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Much Love, warm wishes and prayers to Dad Al, Julie, Janelle, and Megan at the passing of their loved one.
A new star shines brightly in the sky. May the peace of its presence comfort you.
12/21/2000 08:59:10 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Happy Hanukkah to all my friends who celebrate the festival of light.
And it's officially Winter... anyone wanna play? Hmm... /wink. Don't answer that.
12/21/2000 08:22:52 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, December 20, 2000
I Think I Broke Her Heart...
I had the nurses turn off my lights so I could watch the soft white glow reflect off the frost outside my window. It made the glass look like it had tiny cracks in it.
It made me think about Mom. And I wondered, if I could see the tiny cracks upon her heart how many of them were caused by me? I'm thinking quite a few. Especially lately.
Since Monday she's been kind of quiet. I think I broke her heart a little that day. For a few hours I opened up and told her all the disappointment I felt. I told her how tired I was of having a broken body that didn't seem to want to work right again. I even told her as much as I love life I could let it go because freedom lay beyond the other side. I could let the pain drift into nothingness.
I don't know who was crying more, Mom or me. I don't know who hurt more. I don't know who's heart was heaviest. I don't know who felt more dejected.
What I do know is that through the tears I saw streaming down Mom's face was more love then I could have ever asked to see, or experience, or feel. When she told me it was my decision and she'd support me whatever I decided, I knew the tiny crack in her heart got bigger. I saw through her tears how much it cost her to say those words to me.
One of the things I never wanted to do was hurt my mom, through no fault of my own I've managed to cause her more anguish in the past 18 months than in my entire 19 years. I'd give anything to change that if I could. We both know it's not possible and I know I don't even need to say it.
Through her tears she's given me the best Chrismas present... the entire reflection of her love.
12/20/2000 10:02:53 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Perfecto
The snow is blowing and swirling. It's so pretty outside. This'll be the first white Christmas I've had in a long time.
Days like this remind me of logs snapping in a fireplace, hot chocolate topped with whipped cream, soft sweatshirts, jazz music, and mushy marshmallows.
It also reminds me of the time our family went to angelfire skiing. It was the only time we ever did that.
My brother couldn't get enough sledding. He kept wanting to go further and further. I swore Dad was gonna be sick. He's not very adventurous. But Mom wouldn't let my brother go alone so Dad had to keep going up and down. Maybe that's why we never went again. Hmm...
Mom, me and my sister decided skiing lessons were needed otherwise we'd end up in traction. My sister and I did okay but Mom sure had a lot of trouble. She couldn't seem to get the *stop* part down. Most of the time she just fell but once she was going too fast down the little slope. We kept yelling at her, "Mom, stop!" but all we heard was her squealing as she headed to the bottom.
There was a guy right in the line of her path, we were waving and yelling and jumping up and down trying to get him to move. D'oh. Mom crashed right into him and they both went skidding across the snow. My sister and I nearly wet our pants we were laughing so hard.
When we got to Mom she was wiping snow from her face and this guy was laying half across her laughing too. She said, "I'm so sorry about that Sir, but do you think you could get off my butt?" All of us laughed even harder at her choice of words.
Later Mom decided to pay us back. She had the front desk page me and Chellabella. They told us two guys wanted to meet us out front. I said, "Ya right," but the receptionist pointed to these two guys standing outside on the balcony. We were like... whoa. So we went out there, went up to them acting really kewl and *BAM* a ton of snow smacked us in the head.
You know... mothers can be a real pain. Haha!
12/20/2000 04:05:39 PM |
° i am the warrior °
It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas...
I received some gifts last night.
My room suddenly has the feel of Christmas. It all started when Marla brought in this huge white Christmas tree made out of paper. It had streams of glitter zig-zagging across it in red, silver and green. She hung it on the wall next to the window.
After that Sharon came in with these two lights that looked like candles but they run on batteries. She put them on the window sill. I just watched in fascination as all of them came in one after the other.
When they got done they all came back together. I asked them what was going on and they started singing:
We wish you a Merry Christmas... We wish you a Merry Christmas...
At the same time they turned off the lights and plugged in a light that had a colored disc on it. It made the white paper tree, strung popcorn and snowflake mobile turn red, then green, then blue, then yellow. It was so beautiful.
I felt so overwehlmed I couldn't keep my tears in check. They told me my doctor was a softy (but not to let on) and he wanted my Christmas to be special since I couldn't be home.
What they did for me... it means more than I can tell you. It probably seems strange to get so choked up over something so simple as paper, popcorn, and colors projecting around the room. It's a moment I won't ever forget. Even Mark with his messy Christmas Ring.
Happiness can be found in the strangest places. In the simplest things. In the smallest gestures.
I'm really lucky.
12/20/2000 09:36:46 AM |
° i am the warrior °
I finally have the words to that Christmas song I really like.
Thanks to everyone for trying to help me, but these lyrics just didn't seem to be on the web. Ack! Whoa... that's wild. It is on a Christmas CD and it's sung by the Drifters. So here ya go...
Christmas Time Is Here
Why can't every day be just like Christmas?
Everybody seems to feel the same
Love is in the air ~ all around us
It's magical how we can feel this way
I think every day should be like Christmas
Everyone has something nice to say
It seems we don't mind giving ~ each other love
And everybody's heart seems to glow
Christmas time is here ~ Love is in the air
Every man, woman, boy and girl
Hearts are filled with love.
Why can't every day be just like Christmas?
Wish that some day we could find a way
I think we're all reminded ~ we're still kids at heart
In the eyes of a child we're all the same
If every day could be a day like Christmas
A smile would be on everybody's face
There would be no worries ~ just lots of joy
And joys to share with every girl and boy
Christmas time is here ~ Love is in the air
Every man, woman, boy and girl
Hearts are filled with love.
We're all here together ~
It's so nice to see the family come together ~ this year....
I know...
Christmas time is here ~ Love is in the air
Every man, woman, boy and girl
Hearts are filled with love.
Hearts are filled with love... with love... with love.
12/20/2000 08:04:14 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, December 19, 2000
Ring Around The... Wha?
Mark rushes in. I start to say *hi* but he hurries into the bathroom. I decided not to ask... some things are better left alone. Haha I wait to hear the *flush* - but when he appears in my room without it, I'm thinking, "You're in trouble now, Mister."
Mark: *approaches the side of my bed* I have something to show you.
Wait a second here... oh no. I hope he at least put the lid down. Is there a polite way to say... I really don't need to see. He's helping me off the bed.
I say: Mark... I don't need to chart your moves.
Mark: *laughing* Kaycee you are gross. Just come on...
Me: I'm not gross, you're the one who didn't flush. /poke
We enter the bathroom and Mark points to the inside of the shower. There's this runny mess of green and red gunk sliding toward the drain. I look from Mark to the mess.
Mark: What do you think... you like it?
Me: Huh? What is it?
Mark: *looking very pleased with himself* It's a Christmas Ring for you.
Me: Ahh... ohhh... hmm... couldn't you just get me a card? Haha.
Mark: Is that all you have to say about my hard work?
Me: Noooo. The ladies in housekeeping are gonna kill you when they see that mess.
12/19/2000 01:05:42 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Happy Birthday Sis Nicole!!!!!! *rolls out the famous spanking machine*
I hope Jim doesn't discover it missing... it's a very popular party favor. /wink wink!!
Nicole... I love you!! Have an awesome birthday!
12/19/2000 08:45:24 AM |
° i am the warrior °
I Am The Warrior
Bonjour amis. Sourire pour moi. Ah, j'ai senti cela. J'ai recu la mission du guerrier pour combattre honorablement. Avec amour par mon cote', comment puis je detruire?
Translation: Good morning friends. Smile for me. Ah, I felt that. I have accepted the warrior's mission to fight honorably. With love by my side, how can I lose?
I wish I'd been that gallant yesterday. It took me awhile to even decide about chemo. I had to have some help pulling myself out of the self pity I felt. I was tired, I didn't feel like fighting right now. I wanted to wait.
Actually, I knew better than to think that. Before I made any decisions I needed to face my disappointment and all that comes with it. I had to face the fears I felt too.
You'd think all the fears would be gone by now. But some of the same ones keep coming back. Until you take a good look at your mortality and how fragile life really is, you can't really say what your greatest concerns might be. Mine aren't really for myself, they remain for those I love and care about.
I've concluded I'm a boring person. Not too many people my age spend time talking to doctors about Prednisone, Hydroxyurea, Busalfan, or Interferon Alfa. A lot of people wouldn't have a clue even what those are. I pray most of you never have to find out.
But if you do... learn all you can about the Chemo drugs they are suggesting. You'll be glad you did.
I told a really special person yesterday, "It's like the Cancer has slapped me in the face again and said, "What now, little girl!?"
Well the answer to that is... my spirit will not be broken.
12/19/2000 08:35:47 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, December 18, 2000
*well this is one christmas present i know she'd like to return.
kaycee has informed me that the blood tests show irregular (read cancer) cells again.
she has opted to undergo light chemotherapy, beginning in the next day or two. regular chemo is out of the question, as it would destroy everything she has rebuilt and put her back to square one.
it was a tough decision for her to make, because with chemo comes the inevitable side effects of bleeding, blood clots, infections, etc.
on top of everything else, the doctors have curtailed family visits because of cold and flu season, which compounds her loneliness and frustration. added to that is christmas in the hospital.
so right now, i am asking everyone who prays to begin asking for total eradication of all the cancer in kaycee's body. miracles can happen. and christmas is the time of miracles.
your prayers for debbie are also needed. she is torn between her resolve to support kaycee, and her familial obligations four hours drive away. this news is certainly unwelcome and very stressful to her. please pray for her strength and peace for her soul.
if you wish, send kaycee and debbie a christmas ecard or email to tell them you care. i know they will both appreciate it very much.
we are only seven days away from christmas. the only gift i want this year is for kaycee to be returned to 100% health. with your prayers i am certain this can be accomplished. and if you don't pray, please tell someone you know who does.
my thanks to you all for your spirit of giving.* ~bwg
12/18/2000 03:20:42 PM |
° i am the warrior °
EnLightening The World
Thanks to Deb for sharing this awesome picture with me! Here it is full sized.
So kewl!
12/18/2000 11:38:00 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Love Outlives
I had a dream last night that I was talking with God. I didn't really see Him but I knew He was there next to me. I felt the warmth of His presence. I can't describe it any better than that.
I think a lot of people can understand that awesome feeling I'm trying to convey. I'm no clairvoyant, or psychic, or any of those things. I'm no more special than anyone else in this world. I think I'm just one of those people who always keeps searching for things. Hmm... I think my mom calls that being inquisitive. I can live with it.
Anyway... I was sitting there and God asked me this question: "Kaycee, my child, have you discover the meaning of love?"
My answer was almost immediate but I know several thoughts went through my mind: "Yes..." *I pointed to Him* "...YOU."
"Yes..." *He pointed to me* "...you."
That's all there was to the dream. I've been thinking about it since I woke up this morning. In that split second before I answered the question, I thought about all the types of love I have and what they mean, how they all fit together.
- The love I have for my neighbors - helping, caring for their overall well-being.
- The love I have for my friends - sincerity, sharing our lives and giving of ourselves.
- The love I have for my family - nurturing, unconditional, unshakable, unselfish.
- The love I have for my mate - trusting, understanding, forgiving, supporting, sacrifice.
Love is all those things and more. When I put them all together in every form it's the ultimate meaning. It holds the power to conquer all things.
We each have the same ability. The same degree of opportunity to discover and accomplish. We are born with the gift to love but we have to master the art of growing within it.
My faith in God is all those things to me. Maybe I just needed Him to ask me so I could put it all together. The answer to love is YOU, and you, and you and you.
Love ever gives ~ forgives ~ outlives ~ And ever stands with open hands. And while it lives ~ it gives... for this is love's prerogative ~ To give ~ and give ~ and give.
~ John Oxenham
12/18/2000 09:50:31 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, December 17, 2000
Condensation
I told mom I must have frozen condensation on the brain. She told me I better stand in the sun light and thaw out. Umm... you mean Chill? Haha. Ok, ok I'm trying. Really!
So here's part of the problem... repeat, repeat, repeat. The radio station must need new CD's because all they seem to play over and over and over is Britney Spears and Eminem! Ack! Scream! Sorry but I'm not a fan of either one of them. They both make me nauseous. If you're a fan, fine... great, but I'm not. Why? I have plenty of reasons but I don't really like what they stand for. That's the bottom line, and feel free to disagree with me. I don't mind.
Grrrr... I'm not really in a bad mood. /poke Monotony is getting the best of me.
Yesterday the nurses brought in my lunch. I actually groaned. I said, "Oh geez... rice again! Tell me it ain't so." I actually love rice but my taste buds are longing for something else! Like burritos, pizza, juicy cheeseburgers. Anything!
I got the rice is good for you lecture. Have mercy on me... oh rice cooks in the kitchen. So for supper came the nurse carrying my tray, and trailing behind her were 3 or 4 other nurses. They gathered around me and placed the tray in front of me. It was full of nothing but rice!! ACK!
Haha! Real funny joke. Ok, they got me pretty good with that one. Hmm... they're enjoying this way too much. I better behave.
I'm still smiling.
12/17/2000 10:03:06 AM |
° i am the warrior °
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