Saturday, December 30, 2000
The Great KCoffee KCaper
I did a no-no today.
A grumpy sub nurse wouldn't get coffee for me. She said she didn't do coffee and told me to do it myself.
Well at first I kept buzzing her. Then I went to the wing doors and shot silly string at the nurse's station. She told me she was going to take it from me ... grrrr! But she still wouldn't get the coffee.
My head was hurting really bad so I said to myself, "To hell with it, I'd do it myself."
I had to pull my IV stand. And I took the silly string to shoot anyone who got too close. When I got to the coffee pot... ugh, no cups! So I took the whole thing back to my room. Mwa haha... it was a new pot, and she didn't do coffee.
It took me about 30 minutes to walk about 30 feet and get back. I left a trail to my room. Haha. Later she came in and said she was making a report on me. Haha. Then she took the pot away and said, "You want coffee missy? I'll give you coffee."
She came back with one of those catheters filled with coffee and hung it with my meds. Grrr... grumble grumble! Well, she po'd me. Nurse Ratchet!
Her replacement didn't find her coffee bag very entertaining, and I got in trouble for going out of my area.
Before I plotted the silly string attack, I tried to think of ways to get help. I e-mailed mom but guess she didn't check in. I was gonna load up the Super Soaker400 but I was one handed.
It was funny - me against the grumpy sub nurse. Coffee = Caffeine = Help bad headache. Hey, the doc ok'd it earlier.
Hmmmm... maybe I'll just get them to put a coffee machine in my room.
12/30/2000 11:56:23 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, December 29, 2000
One More Time
I want to see the ocean, taste the salty spray
Watch the sunlight bounce off the waves,
I want to remember it that way.
Just one more time to feel the sand,
the sinking earth between my toes
To disappear forevermore from this precious land.
I want to see the mountains, snow capped with rugged peaks,
Watch the eagles circle 'round
I want to remember nature as it gently speaks.
Just one more time to reach for the sky,
the endless azure beyond my fingertips
Then I can go quietly with a wistful sigh.
I want to see the sunshine light up the smile upon a face
Watch your eyes dance with mischief
I want to remember the essence of soulful grace.
Just one more time to cherish you
the impressions pressed upon my heart
Memories to embrace and cradle away the blues.
Kaycee Nicole 2000
12/29/2000 02:35:13 PM |
° i am the warrior °
A Year In Retrospect
Last New Year's Eve I watched the celebration across the world.
From my bleak and lonely hospital room, my window held a distant view of bursting colors in the sky. I vowed then I'd be anywhere but where I was for the actual beginning of the Millennium in 2001. I guess I can at least say, "I'm not where I was." Geographically speaking, of course.
I teased my friend Al that for 2001 I'd meet him in New York City for some serious celebrating. I hope Lisa and him get the chance to go. Unless I can manage the great escape I'm pretty much stuck.
I spent almost 4 weeks in the hospital at the beginning of the year. That's the longest I'd ever been and I almost went crazy. I came out knowing how wonderful freedom was. The smell of smoggy air never seemed so magical before.
I spent a week savoring the knowledge of remission. I searched my soul on the beaches of Corpus Christi and realised it would be so easy to start a journey and walk away from everything I knew. I wanted to. Something inside me changed. I'd sit watching the sunsets I'd missed and I'd cry at the beauty. I cursed the Cancer that wanted to make me run away from everything I knew and loved. I felt a new power radiate within me. A determination to make myself stronger. I felt I had many more things to do. And there was a fear that drove me. It was the fear of knowing Tomorrow is never a promise.
I returned home vowing to pour all my energy into my basketball. I'd made a promise to Alissa and I intended to keep it. Her battle was over, she had fought the great fight to the end. This final season would close the chapter of High School. I'd be my best or I'd go down trying.
It was my best. And it was worth every bruise, elbowing, and court burn I received. I let loose the warrior in me and had fun. It wasn't about winning, it was about finishing. It was about walking off the court with my head up and my smile telling the story of how awesome life felt.
There are a lot of lessons in life and I think I suffered most of them throughout the year. Love can stink but it's also an awesome thing. Prejudice lives and if I could smother or strangle it I would. It affects everyone but unless we stand up to it it's not going to back down without a fight. Heartache is around every corner, there's no way to prepare for it. We have to ride it out and hope for the best. Shedding tears doesn't make us weak, it gives us strength to go on. To every beginning... there's an end and a new beginning. Everything has a price, nothing we receive comes freely. Know what you're willing to sacrifice to get it. Life is truly awesome.
I guess I packed a lot of mischief, mayhem, and laughter in all those months. I feel like I accomplished many things. I suppose what I wanted most was quality. I don't think I'd want to change anything, because even through the heartaches the quality of what I experienced was primo. So in that respect I don't have regrets.
Did I have happiness? Yes. Did I lose my smile and the laughter? Sometimes but I always found it again. Were the tears worth it? For every tear I was given the brilliance of the sunlight, so yes, they were. Did I find the rainbow? In every friend, most definitely.
That's a lot of rainbows. It's been an awesome year.
12/29/2000 09:37:03 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, December 28, 2000
The Warrior Is A Child
I get some of the greatest e-mail. It's funny how someone can send you something that just seems to have your name written all over it. Bob sent me the words to a song and I thought *wow* I really feel like that sometimes. Thanks Bob! /hugs That was totally awesome.
The Warrior Is A Child
Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right,
But even winners can get wounded in the fight.
People say that I’m amazing, strong beyond my years.
But they don’t see inside of me, I’m hiding all the tears.
They don’t know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just awhile,
Cause deep inside this Armour the warrior is a child.
Unafraid because His Armour is the best.
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest.
People say that I’m amazing, never face retreat.
But they don’t see the enemies that lay me at His feet.
They don’t know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just awhile,
Cause deep inside this Armour the warrior is a child.
I do get weary of the fight. Sometimes I want to lay in the meadow surrounded by wildflowers and rest. I know when I feel like that there are plenty of people who love me that are willing to pick up my sword and keep fighting for me.
That song is perfect in many ways.
12/28/2000 01:12:27 PM |
° i am the warrior °
I Am Rebel, Hear Me Roar
I'm beginning to see a pattern unfold as I think about everything I did growing up. It sounds like I defied authority and mouthed off to adults. Well, I guess I did but I felt like I always had a reason. I can justify it in my own mind. And I can tell you, I didn't always win.
Hmm... I wonder how my parents put up with me all these years?? Haha. Mom only gave me so much rope to hang myself with. Believe me, she was a tough one but always fair. And no matter what we always knew she loved us.
I've been called the Defender of the Underdog. I suppose that's pretty much true. I guess I knew I could fight my own battles. I'm not afraid of speaking up. I just use a different approach. Humor first, then the serious stuff if I have to. I can be a worthy sparring partner if I have to be.
I can remember being out during recess in grade school and saw kids being pushed around by the big bully types. I hated that. I'd ask them, "Why don't you stand up for yourself." They didn't know. I couldn't figure that out - either part of it. Why did the bully feel the need to assert his size on a smaller victim? And why did the smaller person feel like they needed to take it?
Power. The bully needed to feel power because he lacked self-confidence about himself. I'm probably wrong about that but that's the way it looked to me. The bully also needed to feel above others. Kids aren't the only ones who suffer at the hands of bullies. There are a lot of adults who get pushed around at work, at home, in their neighborhood.
Seems like most of my coaches fell into that category when it came to their on the court behavior. I really didn't like that. I didn't like how they tried to put me up on a pedestal because of my abilities. It's like they saw some kind of glory to being able to brag that they coached me. I didn't care if they took the credit for teaching me, but I also didn't see them talking about how they degraded everyone else in the process.
Maybe that's what's really bothering me. All those people out there who just feel like they can stomp and tromp on anyone they please. That rebel in me just wants to fight the fight against it. Even when I was younger I felt it.
I'm not any stronger, or braver than anyone else. I'm just more vocal about it. I want to defend those who need defending. No, I don't want to be a lawyer. Well not unless you want to meet me on the basketball court. But take my word for it, I'd prevail there too. Haha. It's all about self-confidence, but I'm sincere.
I am Rebel, hear me roar. And I can do it with a smile. Woo-hoo!
12/28/2000 10:05:41 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, December 27, 2000
A Tiger By The Tail
I asked Mark to check on Mom for me this afternoon.
Wait, maybe I should back up a little. I had a little problem this morning and had to call the nurse for a little help. By the time she got to me I'd made a little mess. Ack! Not that kind of mess. D'oh. I had a bloody nose, that's all, but the kleenex just weren't doing the trick. It wasn't a big deal. It just looked worse than it was.
So the nurse in her attempts to assist bumped my table... the water pitcher tipped over and found its way into my lap. Eww, that was cold. I let out a little shriek and pushed the table away from me to keep the rest of the water from saturating me. When I did that the cable to the laptop disconneted and fell to the floor. Then we had a double mess. So the nurse called for back up.
Enter nurse #2.
Well anyway it took a while to get things straightened out. This is when Mark came in. I asked him if he'd check on Mom for me. He said, "You want me to tell her about your catastrophe?"
I gave him the evil eye. "It was just a bloody nose."
He shook his head at me. "Yah right, and pig's can fly."
I have no idea what that had to do with anything but I told him if he mentioned it I'd pierce both his ears and his nose too. Hmm... never cross a caged tiger, even if it is tigger.
When he came back I said, "How's Mom?"
Mark shook his head. "I know what's wrong with her. And I'm afraid it's a rare illness."
Ok... he's scared me and I was worried. "What is it?"
Mark said, "The medical name is streptococokayceeitis but we call it the Kaycee Virus for short."
Haha... he's not even funny. Great... just great. I have my very own virus now. He will pay for that one, I promise you.
As for Mom, she's a little better. But still has a fever.
12/27/2000 06:01:00 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Take Your Best Shot
When I was in the 4th grade I had a basketball coach I didn't like very well. He screamed, called you names, stomped his foot, and sometimes he'd grab your ears to emphasize a point. He was an up in your face kind of coach. Hmm... most of them are.
When I was out on the court I wanted to be perfect just so he'd lighten up on us. But at that age if you're lucky about half of what you put up goes in.
He'd always yell at my teammates Give the ball to Kaycee! Well the team we'd be playing knew me too so I'd get mobbed. I learned to jump up and pass the ball back so someone else could put up a quick shot. Problem was coach would get so mad because we hadn't done what he'd told us. Instead of yanking me out, he'd pull someone else. I was smart enough to know even then that meant trouble for me. Even though I loved to play, I wanted to sit on the bench just like everyone else.
My parents had always told us... play as a team. Work together. That's what I wanted to do but the coach wasn't letting it happen. I knew nobody was going to get any better if they never felt the ball in their hand.
During one game the coach called a time out. He was yelling at all of us and stamping his foot. His face was so red I thought he'd pass out from lack of oxygen. He said... You inbound that ball to Kaycee, and Kaycee, you better not let it leave your hand. He poked me in the chest. You got that?! It wasn't a question...
I bit my lip and thought for about two seconds before answering him. I said, "No." Then I sat down on the bench. To say all hell broke loose might be too strong an expression, but to me at that age it sure seemed like it. Coach grabbed me by the arm and yanked me up. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "I'm not going in. I think you just hurt my elbow so Lisa better take my place."
The assistant coach stood up and pushed the coaches hand away. "Kaycee, I think that's a good idea. And coach, you better report an injured player so your sub can go in."
The Assistant Coach was my 4th grade teacher. I looked up at him and whispered thank you. I wasn't really hurt. My pride might have suffered a little since so many people saw what happen. I wanted to play... but not at the expense of losing my friends over it. I knew together we were much stronger then apart. If that meant the coach never put me back in the rest of the season I was willing to take the chance.
I'd love to say I saw the big picture for my teammates and myself at that age but I didn't. What I saw was a group of friends working hard just like I was and not being given a chance. It wasn't that complicated even for a 4th grader to figure out. We all kept improving at different levels. No one gave up because they wanted to be ready when their turn came to contribute to the game.
It's sort of like life. You have to be ready when someone gives you an unexpected opportunity, you may not have time to do anything but square up and shoot for the goal. Maybe it'll go in, maybe it won't... but at least you were ready to try.
*Swoosh... yeah baby*
12/27/2000 07:54:19 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, December 26, 2000
Focus, Focus, Focus
I'm having a hard time focusing this morning. My head's pounding out a great beat but it's interfering with my thinking.
I'm not sure how to describe today. First of all Mom came just part way into my room early this morning. She didn't need to tell me she wasn't feeling well. She told me she was going to find a soft bed and crash until whatever she has passes. It'd be nice to be able to take care of her this time, *sigh* but I can't. Get well soon Mom.
I had to make a few choices this weekend. Regular IV and hospital jammies or catheter and my jammies. Hmm... well I opted for my own stuff... it's much softer and warmer. Ahh... the feel of soft material. Pretty awesome. It's not my normal choice but it's comfy.
The doctors scheduled an MRI this morning. They wanted to see what was causing my headaches. The worst thing was having to listen to the loud noises from the machine on top of having a headache. Seemed like pretty soon my head was beating to the sound it was making. Even when it stopped. ba boom ba boom ba boom. When it was all over the said they forgot to offer me the earplugs. Hmm... don't know if that would have helped.
So the verdict is in... I have brains. Haha... old joke. Actually they told me I have a large vericose vein running along the front of my head. Hmm... I thouht they were joking. I'll refer you to Dad Al for any and all technical explanations. He had to clarify a few things for me too. I seem to have an adversion to loud noises, bright light and medical jargon today.
Bring on the chocolate! And a few Aleeve might help too.
12/26/2000 12:24:04 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Three Kewl Gifts
I received a lot of nice things for Christmas.
But first I have to say /hug MomCarmella and Mr. B.; Mom saved the big Taz until Christmas. Thank you. MomCarmella cut out pictures from Christmas cards and wrote on the back of them. They were for under the tree. Such as: a nativity scene, pets, chocolate, and toys. What a totally kewl idea.
Not to take anything away from the other things I got because it was all awesome. But three of the gifts were very special to me.
The first special one was from Mom. She gave me a small journal that is covered with cloth and decorated. She titled it The Love of a Mother. Inside she filled the pages with her thoughts from the time I was born onward. Here's just the opening:
My Dearest daughter, Kaycee,
The moment you were born I swore I heard the angels singing. Perhaps it was the joyous song in my heart. Tears of joy welled up inside me...
The second special gift came from my sister. She used scenic pictures as a guide to sketch and turned them into chalk drawings. They are so beautiful. I told her she has the eye of an artist. In one picture is the Golden gate bridge surrounded by fog and the sun shines in the distance like a star against an orangish sky. Her drawings were awesome.
The third special gift came from my brother. I don't know if he composed the poem himself but he hand wrote it on a piece of regular notebook paper. He put the poem in a frosted lavender frame and attached a picture of me at the bottom of the poem. Here is the poem typed as he has it written:
Dream Girl
In a world of darkness
You walk in the light
Through chaos and confusion
Such a lovely sight
Life an illusion
You're but a dream
Beauty in motion
A fresh mountain stream
In the midst of the tempest
A heart of Gold
Through trial and tribulation
Never bought never sold
A pillar of strength
In season and out
The love, you are
Never suffers a drought.
12/26/2000 08:58:37 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, December 25, 2000
Christmas Is
... the spirit of love that surrounds us and touches us with its greatness. It's the kindness and unselfishness of giving. It's not about gifts wrapped in pretty paper, but the heart that's put into our actions. It's the celebration of life. It's opening our heart up to the miracles that happen everyday. It's about the birth of a child.
... And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. ~ Luke 2:10-11
Merry Christmas.
12/25/2000 04:34:10 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, December 24, 2000
Ring The Bells
Ring the bells of Christmas
Let them echo the good cheer
A Savior will be born soon
The time is drawing near.
Ring the bells of Christmas
Kings and Shephards travel far
Lead to their destination
By a brilliant shining star.
Ring the bells of Christmas
Angels rejoice in song
Voices full of melody
They know it won't be long.
Ring the bells of Christmas
Hark! The child's cry
Precious baby Jesus
Gazes toward the heavenly sky.
Ring the bells of Christmas
Celebrate the Holy Son
HE was born to be ~
God's blessing to everyone.
Kaycee Nicole 2000
I'm truly blessed each and every Christmas.
12/24/2000 07:14:20 PM |
° i am the warrior °
We're Having A Party
Well I wanted to surprise the hospital staff with some Christmas gifts, but they ended up surprising me. Awww.... geez.
You know those white stocking socks I have to wear... well I now have blue, purple, hot pink, and neon green ones. Too kewl. I got:
- a few patterned scrub caps... snoopy (Joe Cool) and scooby-do in pj's... I love those!!
- a basketball survival kit (kit kat bar, a whistle, nerf basketball, bandages, bball net, and a picture of Michael Jordan. Woo-hoo!
- a box of rubber gloves... hahaha.
- a candy cell phone.
- a Men In Scrubs calendar.
- an unofficial official residents jacket... awww.
And lots of other goodies.
I have to say... I owe all of these awesome people here my gratitude. They've been my caretakers, my confidants, my friends, my heroes, my inspiration, my strength... and everything in between.
I salute medical professionals everywhere and wish them the Merriest Christmas. *tips her cap*
12/24/2000 06:02:30 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Two Christmas Trees Of Love
Woo-hoo I now have two KChristmas trees of love. And they are fab-U-lous dahling. All thanks to you... and you... and you... and you!!! /hug hug
Here's what I've got: Texas, Vermont, Michigan, Arizonia, Illinois, Maryland, Colorado, Washington, Idaho, Georgia, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Tennessee, Maine, Arkansas, Florida, Oregan, California, Indiana, Minnisota, North Carolina, Virginia. New Jersey, Iowa, New York, Ohio, Mississippi, South Carolina and Alabama.
Then there's my Canadian friends in Edmonton, AB, Vancouver, BC, Scarborough, ON, Newmarket ON, Victoria BC, Surrey BC, White Head Island, NB, and Ajax, ON.
Then there's Switzerland, England, Wales, and Hong Kong.
Wow! This is totally kewl.
12/24/2000 05:31:41 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Feeling Groovey
I'm feeling much better today. Yay!
I'm a little leery of food though, it has a way of handing me cruel and unusual punishment. And the worst thing is I'm hungry. Yikes Are you smiling?
Spent a quiet night watching movies. Since I'm feeling a little like Tigger... *boing boing*... I might just watch that movie today. /pounce Amber!!! /wink
Everyone keeps dropping these hints and I'm not quite sure what they mean. I have a feeling I'm going to find out pretty soon. Even my Doctor is wearing a mischievous grin. They're starting to worry me.
Later today I'll try to post an update on my Christmas card tree. My aunt brought a bunch of mail and I haven't felt well enough to go through it. I can't wait! Everyone has been so encouraging, loving and caring. Thank you!!!
I'm wishing all of you a Merry Christmas. And tonight when you see that star winking at you, think of it as my Christmas gift to you.
You see, I asked that all the angels give you safe passage as you travel, and bless each of you with the greatest happiness as you gather together with family and friends. It's the best gift I could think of giving you.
Joyeux Noel, mes amis. La paix soit avec vous.
Merry Christmas, my friends. Peace be with you.
12/24/2000 07:51:21 AM |
° i am the warrior °
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