Saturday, February 10, 2001
Poetry begins in delight and ends in wisdom.
~ Robert Frost
Color Me...
Color me green when I'm jealous
or have envy deep inside.
Color me yellow when I lack courage
or want to run and hide.
Color me red when I'm angry
so others will ignore what I say.
Color me white when I'm humble
and search for truth along the way.
Color me pink when I'm embarrassed
or point a finger of blame.
Color me purple when I'm courageous
and bring honor to His name.
Color me gray when I'm gloomy
and need reassurances from above.
Color me gold when I'm happy
and radiate with glorious love.
Color me rainbow when I keep promises
and fulfill every small deed.
Color me red, white and blue when I'm proud
and symbolize I've been freed.
Color me pastel, or color me bold
Color me warm, or color me cold.
Color me fluorescent, or Neon
so in darkness I glow in the night.
But don't color me invisible
~ Colorless and out of sight.
~Kaycee Nicole 2001
Beyond Mere Words
Anyone can write mere words but they won't mean a thing
Unless you see the beauty beyond the prose they bring.
If it paints a vivid picture, too lovely to behold
then you can well imagine the story being told.
It if causes you to ponder a subject or detail
Maybe it will uplift you and compel you not to fail.
If it touches a sensitive chord, as a tear slips from the eye
Be thankful that the meaning hasn't passed you by.
If it stirs the stale emotion within a frigid heart
Then the beauty of mere words have achieved their work of art.
~ Kaycee Nicole 2001
What Do You Do...
What do you do when you... procrastinate? You delay.
What do you do when you... rejuvinate? You play.
What do you do when you... radiate? You display.
What do you do when you... aggravate? You disobey.
What do you do when you... meditate? You pray.
What do you do when you... wander? You stray.
What do you do when you... ponder? You replay.
What do you do when you... blunder? You repay.
What do you do when you... unravel? You fray.
What do you do...?
~ Kaycee Nicole 2001
2/10/2001 09:58:06 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, February 09, 2001
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
~ Mae West
It's A Blizzard
It started raining yesterday and as nightfall descended claps of thunder rattled the windows. Lightning streaked across the sky using its pearl-colored fingers to reach out toward earthly objects. Electric energy lit the ebony sky as the clouds released their fury and pounded everything below.
Soon the roaring ceased and was replaced by the pinging of crystal ice against my window pane. The streets below became glazed with ice; I watched as cars slipped across the surface like twirling tops. The wind howled, making the pelting sleet an ambush to those unsuspecting people who rushed outside into its trap.
The sleet gave way to snow, large flakes zooming by my window. I could almost hear them as they were forced past: Slow down, we are to beautiful to not be noticed. Do you see me... do you see me?
The wind continued to have its way on the falling snow. Its cold anger pulled up the powdery flakes and turned it into tiny white tornados sweeping across a small open expanse.
My window became a small opening, as if I were Magellan looking through his telescope, seeing something for the first time.
I've never seen blizzard conditions this close. It's mystically beautiful from the safe haven of my protected tower, another beauty to behold.
2/9/2001 10:56:18 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, February 08, 2001
Music, Music, Music
Woo-hoo I have another totally kewl song for you to listen to. This rocks.
If you want to download David Gray's - Babylon, go here: Babylon.mp3
What an awesome voice!!
...Let go of your heart, let go of your head... babylon, babylon, babylon...
2/8/2001 07:52:20 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time.
~ Sir J. Lubbock
I'm Listening
Yesterday was like the domino effect. You know, the front one falls and it knocks all the other ones in its path down.
The front domino was a friend of mine. He writes me all the time but yesterday was different. He was in trouble and wanted me to bail him out. *sigh* Good old Kaycee, she'll help.
Well, his e-mail was the straw that broke this Tigger's back. I was mad that he just hadn't learned anything from his other mistakes. This one was worse. I didn't want to help him.
Mom told me sometimes the best way to help our friends is let them know you care but silently stand back without intervention. She also told me I needed to be a friend to myself. I knew what she meant. And she's so right.
It's just so hard for me to hold myself back. I guess some of my friends relied on me to much. They shifted their problems onto me expecting me to fix it for them. I'm not a good fixer right now. I can't fix my own problems. But I'm learning, and I'm trying.
Between a long talk with my mom, a semi-lecture from my doctor, a long wonderful e-mail from Dad Dan, and a forthright conversation with Dad Al I came to some conclusions. I'm too stubborn for my own good sometimes. And they were right. I love them for making me see that too.
You see, I've had this constant idea in my head. It goes something like this: I have to be strong to fight this battle. I can't give in to it at all. I can't let it steal who I am. I can't let it take away anything else from me.
That's a pretty big obstacle to overcome. Dealing with pain fell into that area for me. I wanted to claim victory over it with as little help as possible, which meant pain relief medication was part of the enemy. I didn't want to lose myself in it. But it didn't work that way. It's part of the solution not part of the problem.
I'm still learning. I make mistakes. But, I'm not afraid to try to correct them. Ya ya... I'm a putz, but I'm working to make it better.
I saw a commercial - a father and son are sitting on the couch. The son's playing a video game and you hear the dad saying: blah blah blah blah blah (pause) blah blah blah, blah blah blah... visa money card... blah blah blah blah blah blah. The son looks up and says something like: Oh, why didn't you just say that?
Ok, you'd have to see the commercial to see how funny it really is.
I'm not like that son though. I've tweaked my brain a little so some of those stubborn cells can take a vacation. Woo-hoo I can be good if I wanna be. /wink wink
I'm just glad so many people care enough to overlook my *ahem* strong determination (I've said the s word to many times lately). My bad.
2/8/2001 09:21:48 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, February 07, 2001
Thanks Salma for sending me this. I needed a good laugh.
Courtroom Questions
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
- "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
- "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
- "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
- "Were you alone or by yourself?"
- "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
- "Did he kill you?"
- "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
- "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
- "How many times have you committed suicide?"
- Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
- Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
- Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
- Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
- Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
- Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
- Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
- Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
- Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
- Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
- Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
- Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
- Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
2/7/2001 02:10:26 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Why Am I The One Crying?
I only slept 30 minutes last night. I tossed and turned until I was exhausted. This has been happening for several nights now.
I can’t even lie there peacefully because my thoughts twist out of control like a dark tornado. I feel like hell this morning. Not just because I’m tired either. I’ve been having a lot of pain lately. There’s no way to explain it. It’s intense. It’s even agonizing at times.
Within my reach is a temporary fix. Morphine. I stare at the button that lets me control when it goes into my body. It only dulls the pain. It’s just another drug that helps sustain me.
I have to take all the drugs to stay alive, without them it’s over for me. Without them it’s a slow agonizing death. Yes, there it is... I said it. But even knowing that, I hate drugs. I don’t have any choice. To fix this broken body the drugs have to help me rebuild and stay alive.
I have a lot of friends who use or have used drugs. They’d offer them to me but it was never something that interested me. I’d tell them it wouldn’t solve their problems. Later as they crashed and burned, I’d be the one holding their hand. I cried with them.
I was wrong, I shouldn’t have pretended what they were doing was okay because it was their life and not mine. I turned my back because I didn’t want to know what they were doing to themselves. They knew how I felt about it so that was good enough. I didn’t do them any favors by accepting their habits with indifference.
It's not okay, so why do we turn our backs as though it was? It can be explained away when it's recreational - so and so is having problems, too much stress, they're going through a hard time. Do drugs, that'll make it better.
That’s a bunch of crap. I’m tired of pretending it’s okay. I'm tired of feeling sorry for the excuses that are being used to accept it. I have to take drugs to live. I have no choices. But they have a healthy body and don't seem to care.
They get to wake up where they choose. Walk outside when they choose. Eat what they choose. Get in their car and drive when they choose. Go to work or school when they choose. The world is at their fingertips. But I guess they forget about those things.
Yet I'm the one crying for them. I'm the one worrying about them. I'm the one who cares. No, they didn’t ask me to. They remind me, "I didn’t ask you to." When you care about someone it comes with the territory.
I'm no saint. I don't like to preach to people. But I'm ticked off that they're free and doing these things to escape life. They don't even know what they've got. They don't even know…
I hear them cry, “Take the pain away, give me drugs. My life is so friggen bad.” And I’m crying for them. Me.
I'd like for them to go to a cancer center. Ask the adult patients there, "What do you want?" A healthy body.
Then look those little kids in the eye and ask them the same thing. Just a healthy body, that’s all they want back.
Morphine. I stare at the button. All I have to do is reach over and press it. There it is just waiting to enter my veins, to take me on that wild ride other people seem to crave. I resist the urge as long as I can, until the pain is too much. When I give in I feel weak. I don’t like the journey.
Why am I the one crying?
2/7/2001 09:31:39 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, February 06, 2001
Scott, I'll take the purple pill, and could I have Toilet paper for $1000 please. Haha. You da man! Woo-hoo!
Yikes! The toilet seems to be a great topic today. *ponder ponder*
There's a pun in there, but I'm restraining myself. /wink
2/6/2001 06:38:40 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Mah hahaha...
I hope my brother finds the answer to the toilet question.
If not I've got the perfect answer... hahaha toooo funny. My brother rocks!!
2/6/2001 01:36:37 PM |
° i am the warrior °
A Few Questions And Answers From The KCollection
Where do you get your strength and courage?
Well, I don't really think of myself as strong or courageous. More like slightly stubborn. All my life I've never been a quitter, so let's just say I've always been determined.
Can I put up a link to your Website log?
But of course dahling. /wink Just don't call me names like Barbie Doll or Dorothy, I might have to /pounce you or something.
Do you get a lot of e-mail?
Hmm... sometimes yes. Other times no. It varies a lot. Most people tell me they've been afraid to write to me because they don't know exactly what to say. I'm just a regular person who happens to love people so never be afraid to write me. I'd say just write whatever comes into your heart. An example of some of the things my wonderous friends send me are: music lyrics, poems, quotes, funny stories, jokes, personal experiences... it's all good.
Who's your favorite music group? What type of music do you like best?
My favorite group is Savage Garden. They seem to sing to my heart. I'm a sap, what can I say? It's not a bad thing. But as far as other music I like variety. I listen to all kinds. Pop, rock, techno, jazz, classical, gospel, oldies, etc...
A song I really like is Deep Forest ~ Sweet Lullaby which definitely isn't most people's typical type of music.
Are you ever scared, you don't seem to be?
Hmm... well I'm not fearless but I'm also not afraid of a lot of things that others fear. The things that concern me the most have to do with other people. If I could stop the hurt and pain in the world I'd do it. Most people's greatest fear is death. Because of my situation I've had to face that issue. I can talk about it more openly because it's a big part of my reality. I sort of look at it like this: either way I'm going to go on living an awesome life. If not here, then in heaven. I'm not scared of either one.
What's your average day like?
Eat, Sleep and be as mischievous as possible. Haha. That's not too far off the mark. It's pretty boring. You go to the hospital because you're sick. I wouldn't recommend it for any other reason unless you work at one. If you're looking for a retreat I'd suggest something with a hottub and people in swimsuits. But I dunno hospital gowns might be the next fashion fad. If so, hey, I'm cashing in on the KCollection. /wink
What's the first thing you want to do when you get out of the hospital?
Umm... run nekked in the streets!? Haha, I'm kidding. Wow... run, jump, skip, stand out in the street and yell, "I'm free!" Hug everyone who passes by. Feel the wind, let the sun touch me, listen to all the sounds. Just pretty much absorb everything.
Have your future goals changed?
Yes and no. My main goal is getting better. Sometimes I can't see beyond that. I still want to finish college, and travel. But for now I have to take one day at a time. I get impatient sometimes.
What type of Cancer do you have?
It's called CML which stands for Chronic Myelocytic Leukemia. Basically it's a disease where cells in the bone marrow produce abnormal granulocytes (a big name for a type of white blood cell). It's an unkind type of Cancer but there've been recent medication advances that are helping a lot of CML patients. No matter what - never give up.
If you could change places with someone for a few days, what would you do with your time?
*sigh* As much as I'd love to be free from all of this, I just couldn't trade with anyone. I don't want anyone to ever have to go through this, not even for a few days.
Did you ever think of writing a book?
Honestly? No. I've always loved to write. It's just a natural thing for me, sort of an overflow of my personality. That's a lot of energy transfer isn't it? Yikes! I could almost save all my West Coast friends from their current power shortages - haha. Ya think??!!
How did the KCraze get started? And why do you spell cute with a k and cool "kewl"?
Okay, let's see. My grandpa and I were always really close. I was a real character when I was little, and we shared a lot of laughter together. On my 5th or 6th birthday he made me this cake that said "Happy Birthday KCutie" After that it was almost a family game to think up new KC words. Then my friends started doing it so it all just carried over. Now isn't that KContagious and KComical??
Putting the k in front of kute was sort of a pun for my on-line username. And since I like to be different cool became kewl! Kewl huh? Ok, I stole it from someone... haha
Is Randy (bwg) your real brother?
No, he has a totally kewl sister Cindy who's his real sister and a handsome brother Ray. But, I love him like a brother even if we really aren't related. Maybe in another life we were /poke who knows. He just rocks! /hug hug
I'll tell you a secret though, he thinks he keeps me in line but I just humor him. *Love you Randy*
2/6/2001 09:58:00 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, February 05, 2001
Tomorrow I'm going to post a *KC Question and Answer* blog. I get asked a lot of things so hopefully this'll help. Drop me an e-mail and I'll try to unravel the KC mystery for you.
I will admit I used to be the e-mail Queen (/poke Al you remember those days don't you Al /wink wink). But my energy level has been zapped to the max. And sometimes it's all I can do just to write in my journal. I do read all of my e-mail though and stand humbled and honored by your wonderous thoughts. So thank you.
I have neglected my friends but I think about you all the time. *You feel that? It's the extreme KC sunshine machine /pouncing and showering you with love.* Hey... I tried to warn you. You just can't get away from me. /wink
I am feeling better today. Doh, like you couldn't tell. I demanded real food. Something that doesn't take a straw to eat. I told Mom "I'm so hungry..." and she finished with "... that your stomach is chewing on your backbone?" Hmm... well maybe close to it.
So go ahead, smile. 'sokay I insist. And now I'll leave you with the words of a song. From me to you of course.
Music Of My Heart
Gloria Estefan w/ N'SYNC
You'll never know
What you've done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul (echo)
And you'll never know the gift you've given me
I'll carry it with me
yeah ee yeah
Through the days ahead, I'll think of days before (mm hmm)
You made me hope for something better (yes, you did)
And made me reach for something more
Chorus 1
You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Chorus 2
You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I'd never known before
And your love (love)
Is the music of my heart (music of my heart)
You were the one
Always on my side (always on my side)
Always standing by (always standing by)
Seeing me through
You were the song that always made me sing
I'm singing this for you (singing this for you baby)
Everywhere I go I'll think of where I've been (think of where I've been)
And you're the one who knew me better than anyone ever will again
2/5/2001 01:07:58 PM |
° i am the warrior °
What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
~ Crowfoot - Blackfoot warior and orator
Melting Pot Of Culture
I'm a melting pot when it comes to my heredity.
I've heard the stories about how my Swedish ancestors crossed the plains in their covered wagons and settled near the rolling Flint Hills. We even have some furniture that bears the markings of their pioneer craft. I don't really know what any of their traditions were. I'm not sure anyone took the time to pass them on.
Maybe it was farming. My claim to fame in farming is helping with the family garden and feeding a few animals on my grandpa's farm. Somehow I missed getting the farmer genes.
I was always amazed and awed at some of the rich traditions some of my friends had. The Native American art, dance, music, and elders wanting to share their craft. And again some of the same passing of customs to youth from African Americans, Asian, Mexican/Spanish descent, etc.
I had a hard time understanding why some people thought it wasn't important. Or even made fun of cultural traditions. We all came from somewhere. It's not like we could choose our past heritage. I think it needs to be preserved so we can all gain knowledge from it. Learn from the mistakes that were made. Promote the skills that gave our ancestors pride.
Just through watching and listening I've learned a lot about other cultures. I'm glad I did. I think we all have a responsibility to teach others. If we aren't teaching the right things I think we'll have to answer to that too. Oh well, that's probably another area to write about. I won't go there today.
There's a lot of beauty just waiting to be discovered. Smile. Let the exploring begin.
2/5/2001 09:58:27 AM |
° i am the warrior °
A Little Bad Is Good
I never knew how good it felt to feel so really good,
Until I felt so terrible ~ then I understood.
It's like when someone gets the Flu ~ sinking oh so low
Hurting nearly everywhere ~ having no control.
After a time of feeling bad; on the days I feel even worse,
I pray real hard and wish I had a little bad to nurse!
This seems a bit confusing ~ but imagine where you'd be
If you forgot how good it felt to feel good enough to agree.
Then one day the worse was better than it was the day before
And though it wasn't all that good ~ it wasn't quite as bad any more.
Pretty soon the good's not bad, neither is it the best
But by now I really don't care ~ because I've forgotten all the rest.
So never forget how good it feels to feel really good
Don't wait until you feel terrible ~ to wish you understood.
~ Kaycee Nicole 2001
2/5/2001 08:42:08 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, February 04, 2001
A KConcoction of the Parable Kind
Who Would Have Ever Thought?
"Did you hear the news?" asked the breathless Gingham Goose, as she looked coyly at her friend. "I heard today," she went on to say, "that Penny Hen put all her eggs into the farmers basket."
Greta Goat's eyes grew wide in shock. "Oh my lands," she gasped. "Who would have ever thought!?"
Greta Goat went on her way with a promise not to tell. The information was too much to bear so she made a beeline to her neighbors. "I heard today," she said right away, "that Mrs. Hen shipped all her eggs to Alaska."
Billy Bull shook his head sadly at the news. "Great stars above," he snorted. "Who would have ever thought!?"
Billy Bull stomped and huffed his way toward greener pastures, but he vowed not to breathe a word of Mrs. Hen's odd actions. He chanced across a long time friend and shared the secret story. "I heard today," he said in dismay, "That Penny threw all her eggs in molasses."
Harley Horse threw back his head and cried, "My oh my, I wonder why? Who would have ever thought!?"
Harley Horse trotted toward the barn and though his lips were sealed, he spilled the fable at the trough, to a patron from the stable. "I heard today," he whinnied, "That Penny Hen traded all her eggs for more rations."
Calico Cow mooed in distress, "Dear me, dear me what a horrible mess. Who would have ever thought!?"
Calico Cow, chewing on her cud, mosied toward the pens. Her vow of secrecy came to a short-lived end, when she spied a long pink snout poking through the fence.
"I heard today," she boldly reported, " That Penny Hen threw all her eggs into a boiling pot, and laughed at Mr. Rooster when he demanded that she stop."
Pansy Pig was astounded at this horrifying news and snorted in disgust at the tale of such untruth. Aloud she stated plainly, "I can't believe our friend would do such a terrible misdeed. No not at all... indeed."
Distraught by what she'd been told, Pansy Pig could hardly eat. She worried about her friend and decided to do her own investigation. She talked with all the barnyard parents, but they'd conveniently zipped their lips. Thinking all their awful thoughts about Penny's unborn chicks.
Quite distressed by morning, having gotten little sleep Pansy decided to take "the bull by the horns" so to speak. She marched right up to the feeding trough where everyone had gathered and asked her friend sincerely, "Is anything the matter?"
"Why no," said Penny happily, "everything is simply grand. Mrs. Farmer is letting me keep my eggs, so my family can expand."
Pansy Pig gazed past the elated hen and gave the other animals a disapproving frown. The guilty expressions were plain to see but no one uttered a single sound.
The moral of this silly tale is quite plain to see:
Not everything that gets passed along, turns out like it ought to be!
**Ahhh yes, the writer of this kcrazy little story was me...
Who would have ever thought??? ~ Kaycee**
2/4/2001 10:49:16 AM |
° i am the warrior °
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