Saturday, February 24, 2001
Je me sens comme crier dans l'aneantissement aujourd'hui. Je souhaite seulement que j'aie su pourquoi...
Ou toutes les fleurs ont disparu?
Venez avec moi... laissez la brise nous prendre la *sigh*
2/24/2001 11:57:53 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Simple Things
The softness of a kitten's fur,
Majestic horizons of orange and lavender
A candle flickers in the breeze
Tree limbs glistening after a freeze.
The heartache of a single tear
Beauty of a pouncing deer
A sleeping child, so serene
Billowing clouds that can be seen.
The simple smile of a friend
Kissing a hurt so it'll mend.
A touch of hope within the eye
Gifts of love no one can buy.
The special feeling Christmas brings,
Sweet songs of joy a meadowlark sings
A kind word of encouragement
Budding roses aromic scent.
The brightness of a morning sun,
Lazy days filled with fun.
A newborn baby's sleeping sigh,
Gleaming pride in a parent's eye
The simple things we overlook
Cannot be found in any book
Take a moment... a space in time,
Experience what's yours and mine.
~ Kaycee Nicole 2000
2/24/2001 11:49:41 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Napster-ize Me Baby!!
I admit I use Napster. I think it's awesome to share music.
What really ticks me off is how the record labels figure they're losing money. If you ask me (which no one did, but that never stopped me before. I see you nodding your head. Ahh... you have me figured out don't you??) I think the record labels are missing the point here. They only see it in dollar signs. They say because of Napster they're losing money. HA! That's a bunch of bull-oney.
Overall CD sales are up. Not to mention the price of them being up too. They don't realise how much Napster actually helps them.
Myself, I'll check out a new artist, and if I like what I downloaded I'll get the CD. Or sometimes I already have the CD at home but put it on my mp3 file. It's not like I can run home and get the ones I left behind, at least not yet.
Through Napster I've discovered artists I might've never given a thought to. Here's an example. Recently mom and I were talking about some of the music she listened to growing up. She mentioned Creedence Clearwater Revival. I went to Napster and retreived a couple of their songs. I loved them... so much that I had Mom go buy me a couple of their CD's.
I might have some sympathy for the record labels if they were going bankrupt because of Napster. D'oh! I'm not exactly sure where the *greed* falls but I have a few guesses.
I say we should put Napster in the Music Appreciation category and give them an award for helping spread the joy of music everywhere! *Proudly holds up the KClassic Webbie Music Award* And the winner is...
Napster rocks!! /salute
I've been pretty limited at times for forms of amusement in the hospital. Napster brought the music to me, especially during a time I needed it. If they only knew how much I appreciated it, but those record labels could care less about that. I'm just a web thief in the crowd to them.
Why don't I feel bad about that?? Hmmm...
2/24/2001 08:54:22 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, February 23, 2001
A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.
~ David Brinkley
I Want To Be You
The visit with my aunt went from tepid, to back-biting, to absurd, to spiteful. It's one of those family incidents that no one really likes to think about, let alone discuss. But part of my aunt's problem is she doesn't want to discuss, she wants to blame. She wants to have everything her way.
It started off innocently enough. I really didn't want to address that she was nosing around in the legal papers laying on my lap. To be honest, I was caught up in the emotional whirlpool of grief from the news of Grandma Johnson's passing.
My aunt should have respected my space. She should've either kept quiet or offered some sort of family support. Instead she took it upon herself to read about my personal business. All she had to do was ask me but she didn't.
She tossed one of the papers down with the flick of her wrist. Then she said to me, "I don't know why you're so upset Kaycee. The woman was old, she died and left you money. Like you really need it." The sarcasm in her voice was hard to miss. I blurted, "I didn't expect you to understand. That'd require some thought process and you don't seem to have any lately."
She glared at me and said, "I wish I was you."
"Don't you mean you wish you were more like me?"
"No, I said what I meant." She threw it out more like an accusation and she wasn't done. "Little Miss Perfect. The whole family bows down and kisses your ass."
I shook my head. "You know that's not even close to being true. Now tell me the real reason you think you want to be me." I had a few ideas but I wanted her to tell me so they'd be out in the open.
My aunt started pacing around the room, picking up different mementos then throwing them aside carelessly. That's the way she treated everything. I don't think she realised it though.
When she finally spoke, her voice was bitter and angry. "You always get everything you want. You have money, and a nice car. You're popular, you're athletic, you're slender, you're beautiful, you're single..."
When she turned around and looked at me, her deep blue eyes narrowed and I saw hatred.
I looked right into her eyes and said calmly, "Those are the reasons you want to be me? Anything else?" She lifted her chin and nodded her head. It was like defiance. I felt she was challenging me to some sort of family duel, slapped me across the face and threw the gauntlet down. It was all so stupid. So unimportant. I wasn't sure how to appraoch the issues. I decided to go for it all. I didn't have anything to lose. Not one thing.
"Fine! You want to be... well let's see." I grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled a note. "Here, take this to my bank. Take the damn money, I couldn't care less. As for the car - sorry! I just sold it so you'll have to use some of that precious cash to buy a new one. But I'm sure that won't bother you. Besides it's just an Audi, you'll probably be wanting a BMW or something really flashy.
Being the shallow person that I am, well popularity is soooo important. I mean that's what my life's all about, isn't it? But with the money and new car, no problem, you'll be popular. And athletic - hey just go get all my plaques, medals, and trophies. Show 'em off to all your friends. Oh yeah that'll help you be popular too. And don't forget to go by grandma's and get all those nice clothes I stored away. You have to dress nice.
Oh wait a minute... you said you wanted to be me - right. Well all those things won't ever make you me. You know why? Because those things aren't who I am. If you want to be me, what you'd want is self-respect, determination, strength, and character to accomplish all the things you seem to want given to you. If I have anything it's because I put love, desire and passion into achieving it.
You can't have all the good without all the other though. And that's what you really want. You want the luxury without paying the tax. You want the tangible without the emotional. You want the top of the mountain without the climb to get there."
I shook my head and I let her see the tears. "You don't want to be me. You'd have to be able to handle a lot of unpleasant things. Things much worse then what you think is so terrible in your own life right now. You can have the money and all those other things but you won't be any happier. It won't get you lasting respect, or true friendship, or unconditional love. When what you think you want is gone, you'll have nothing. Is that what you want? Is your mission in life to be selfish and have your own way all the time? Do you think of anyone other than yourself?"
My aunt grabbed her things, she was shaking in anger. "God, all of you are alike. Selfish! You make me sick. Kaycee it wouldn't hurt you to be understanding. It wouldn't hurt you to share. I need help. I need money. I hope you wallow in your perfect little world and smother. None of you are listening..." The door wooshed closed behind her.
We're all trying to help, but she doesn't seem to want to listen.
2/23/2001 10:31:41 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, February 22, 2001
Once in an age, God sends to some of us a friend who loves in us...
not the person that we are, but the angel we may be.
~ Harriot Beecher Stowe
Time To Go Home
I don't remember how I met her, I guess I was too young at the time. All I know is I called her Grandma Johnson because she was like family to us.
Every year for my birthday she made me something unique. She could sew anything. Sometimes I'd stand next to her at the sewing machine and watch her push the material as needle, thread and weathered fingers worked together. When the masterpiece was done she'd scrutinize her work carefully. I don't remember ever seeing her mess up on anything. Or using a pattern. She just had an eye for creating.
Grandma Johnson always had a hug and a kiss along with cookies and milk to share. She told the greatest stories about picking cotton and walking into town. She had a huge family with sons and daughters, grandchildren, great-grandchildren. She was surrounded by love.
She and Grandpa Johnson had been married 60 years. They were both funny, and soft-spoken. They loved jokes, and playing ball in the yard with us kids. You could just go there and know you were welcome. They shared everything with anyone who came to visit.
When I was in the 8th grade Grandpa Johnson passed away. I could see how much Grandma missed him. The loneliness was deep within her gray eyes. She was still full of love, but part of her was missing. I'd go over to her house and rake leaves, or all of us would go over and mow her lawn. She was always so sad to see us go.
Our school had open campus for lunch so I'd rush home to eat. Mom started worrying that Gramdma Johnson was forgetting to eat so she'd have me drop off something for her on the way back to school. I loved the 30 minutes I spent with her. She was just so wise and knowledgable about all the little things in life.
Even now I can remember everything about her. What she liked, what she didn't. How her kitchen always smelled like apple pie. And the sewing machine was always out with a new project going. She will always be very special to me.
Grandma Johnson made her final journey home last week. She went to sleep and made the peaceful walk to join her husband. I know she's happy. I know she's reunited. I know her life continues to mean something awesome to those of us who loved her.
My aunt brought by some official papers for me this morning, that's how I found out about Grandma Johnson. She left me something in her will. I'm touched that she felt like I was special enough to think of me, but what honored me the most was the note she'd left for me. I can almost see her sitting at the big table writing it... the slightly shaking hand of a 90 year old woman who loved and taught until the day she departed.
My dear little Kaycee,
You with the large eager eyes, and a heart larger than you will ever know exists. You gave me joy on days I did not want to smile, you made me laugh on days I wanted to cry. You loved me as though tomorrow might not ever come.
I needed you more than you needed me, an old woman. Your youth kept me alive. As I part, I can only leave you with the gratitude of ageless love. I give you my angel, I will not need her to watch over me where I am going.
Love is always a never-fail investment. You already know how it gives dividends.
God Bless you my child,
Love, Grandma J
I love you Grandma J... another star shines its love from the heavens.
2/22/2001 02:48:20 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, February 21, 2001
Come On Baby, Do The Chunky Monkey
The Chunky Monkey??? Wha... ok, so I have visions of Ben and Jerry's floating in my head. Just goes to prove where part of my brain is. Food, food, food!!!
Ah yes, my doc is awesome and he's decided I can have some outside food. No McDonald's *shiver* that stuff is way bad for you. Mom was asking me if I had any ideas on what I'd like first. I swear I gave myself lockjaw just thinking of the possibilities. I mean where do you start? I want it all!!
First I put down Mexican: burrito, chicken enchilada, chalupa, etc. Then I put down Chinese: fried rice, lemon chicken, sweet and sour pork, egg rolls. Then I put down Italian. Then Subway. Then... Ok I'm having trouble choosing. I'm lucky to remember what anything tastes like other than hospital food. Could I have one of everything? Please.
I told Mom last night, "You know what I can't wait to do?" She said, "What?" I said, "Run a sweeper and do laundry.
She looked at me, and then put her hand on my forehead. I said, "What are you doing?" She said, "Checking for a tempature, you must be sick."
Ahh, the possibilities. Hey, can you pass me the Reece's??
2/21/2001 01:31:42 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith.
~ Adel Bestavros
Whoa, Nelly
Wow!! First I want to send out masses of love to each of you for touching my life. And huge thank you's for the awesome e-mails and cards. I'll take every one of those KCongratulations because it was a big big day for me. /pounces all of you.
Okay, there were lots of questions asked and all of them are worthy of an answer. So I'm going to attempt to fill in the gaps. Yesterday's news was huge but... the fight for me isn't over. I still have a ways to go before I can even get out of the hospital.
First let's talk about remission. When a Cancer patient goes into remission it means there are no cancerous cells floating within their body to cause more damage. That doesn't mean it can't return, but I'm hoping it doesn't. Since there's no Cancer I won't have to take chemo or radiation treatments. That's the best news.
Right now my immune system needs to rebuild back to normal levels so I can get back into regular life. Without it my body can't adequately fight off anything, like colds, flu, viruses, infections. Since my blood cells aren't battling Cancer cells they can concentrate on giving me back my strength.
As much as I'd love to leave and go *outpatient* I have to regain my strength first. Even when I do get released for the hospital I'll have restrictions until my immune system is fully functional on its own. There will be weekly check-ups and blood work done at that time. It's a long process that requires patience that I sometimes lack. That's the condensed short-term version of what's to come.
In the long term I have to remain Cancer free (in remission) for five years before I'm even considered cured. Every six months to a year I'll have to be tested.
Right now I still have to take one day at a time. Everyday has the potential for something to go wrong. But as I regain my strength I have a better chance of winning the overall battle.
Even knowing all of that I'm still happy because after yesterday, I'm one step closer to being free.
2/21/2001 09:21:33 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, February 20, 2001
All She Wants To Do Is Dance
There was a single stream of sunlight touching the chair next to the window. I sat looking at it for a long time before I moved into its path. I felt the warmth on my cheek. It seemed to take away all the coldness I was feeling.
All morning I'd been trying not to get caught up in my thoughts. It wasn't working very well. But as I sat silently with the sun touching me I lifted my face upward and was thankful for the peacefulness of the moment.
I don't know why today should be any different than any other day. I've waited for test results before but this one meant a lot to me. This one held within it's grasp the hope and dreams of the days ahead. I tried not to let those emotions come to the surface. But they were so close I couldn't push them back.
My doctor came in as I was sitting there. I knew why he'd come. I tried to search his eyes for some clue. Something that'd prepare me for what he was going to say. I couldn't read anything from his expression. I was almost relieved because I needed more time to take that deep breath.
I guess he saw that. He pulled up a chair in front of me and took my hand. I stared at the two contrasting shapes for a few seconds then my eyes clouded with tears and blurred them together.
I shook my head as the tears began to spill over and rain like hot lava coursing down an erupting mountian. The emotional strain of six months caught me up in its tidal wave and I just wanted to roll with it back to the shallow sandy beach.
My doctor held me and let me cry. His voice was soft next to my ear as he urged me to let it go. He said, "I know the waiting has been trying. We've been through a great many obstacles together. Kaycee, you define the epitome of strength. You have never given up on me, on this staff, and most importantly on yourself. I have admired the courage and determination you have shown all of us." He held my shaking shoulders and looked me in the eyes. "You tell me when you are ready to hear the results of your tests."
I've had so many disappointments, I didn't want this to be another one. I leaned back and still felt the sun touching my face. All I could think was how badly I wanted to be outside again. How I wanted to see spring unfold before my eyes one more time. I wanted everything back. So much so it hurt.
A few minutes passed and I let out a little laugh. The news was right before me and here I was the one stalling. It was the moment of truth. If the tests showed the Cancer wasn't in remission I'd face more chemo. If it was in remission I faced the promise of everything I'd been hoping for. I prepared my heart and mind... I was ready.
Kaycee the test results show (I swear the pause lasted a million years, then finally) the Cancer is... in remission.
Ack!!! I came out of the chair so fast I almost knocked my doctor over. I hugged him. I kissed him. I did the *happy* dance around my room. I cried. I laughed. I sat back down trying to take it all in.
It's then I also noticed the ray of sunlight eased out of my room and I was the one left glowing.
All She Wants To Do Is Dance.
2/20/2001 01:46:15 PM |
° i am the warrior °
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
~ Mark Twain
You Have Nice Legs... *ahem*
I'm back in PT. No, it's not their way of torturing me. I requested it.
Well, actually I was thinking I could be the patient and maybe learn some more to apply toward my own training later. Who am I kidding, being an athlete I know a few tricks of my own. But anyway... I had a session yesterday because I need to get my muscles to be a little tougher.
I'm working with a PTA (Physical Therapy Assistant) since my problems aren't that bad. Doug showed up at my room and seemed a little surprised. He said he figured I'd be older because most of his patients seemed to be a certain age group. I was really trying not to laugh at the expression on his face.
We spent a little time going over my medical history and the areas of muscles I wanted to strengthen. After that he wanted to chart my current physical shape.I should've known it was coming but I'm way out of practice.
Out of the blue Doug blurted, "You have really nice legs... muscles... I mean leg muscles. I mean you have very nice calves."
He looked up at me, took a deep breath, and tried again. Poor guy, his face was beet red. "What I meant to say was... your legs look really great... No, that's not what I mean. Well yes, you do, but the curve of your..."
He swore softly under his breath. "Oh hell, I've really botched it up. You can stop grinning anytime and help me dig my way out of the big hole I just made for myself."
I was trying so hard not to laugh all I could do was give him an innocent look. I tilted my head a little and said, "I'd say you're about ankle deep right now. You want to go for knee deep? Or you could just show me your calf muscles and we can call it even."
Hmm... now there's a thought.
2/20/2001 09:03:51 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Woo-hoo /pounce Cindy
Go check out my big sister's new weblog ~ Simmer Down Now!
Cindy rocks!!! Oh yeah baby!
2/20/2001 08:17:40 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, February 19, 2001
You've got to take the initiative and play your game. In a decisive set, confidence is the difference.
~ Chris Evert
Finding Her Own Way
My sister and I have never been competive with each other. Maybe it's because we're four years apart in age. But I know it hasn't been easy for her to travel down the road I'd already been on.
We're so different in a lot of ways. Until my little brother gets older, I'm the tallest in our immediate family, and my sister is the shortest. School was easy for me, taking tests was a breeze. For my sister, tests make her nervous and it was like she'd freeze up or over-analyse the questions. If it wasn't for tests she'd be a straight A student.
Socially, we both have a lot of friends. She's more quiet, but just as fun. We share my mom's wild sense of humor. My sister is the listener, the tell it like it is person to her friends. She hates writing but she loves art. She's got long thick dark hair and is gorgeous, yet she wishes she was more like me. Guess she was surprised when I told her I wished I had a few of her traits.
The one thing she didn't have was self-confidence on the basketball court. She was getting really discouraged because she didn't get to play as much as she hoped to. I gave her a few pointers. She didn't need any when it came to dribbling, shooting or defense. She was already awesome in those areas. In fact, she's a more accurate 3 point shooter then I was.
I asked her when coach put her in how many shots she put up? She told me she hardly ever shot the ball just passed it off for the assist. So I asked her how many times she was open and could have shot. She told me plenty. Ok, so the coach knows she can bring the ball up the court, get offensive and defensive rebounds, tied the ball up, be a team player... but what the coach didn't know was how deadly-accurate her shot was.
Last month, I gave her some advice: Don't let people compare what I did on the court with what you can do. Forget you even have a sister who played basketball. I'm not there anymore, I'm history. Get on the court and show the coach what you can do. Take the outside shot, not many people can do it. Prove how valuable you are to the team.
This weekend my brother and sister were here to visit. My aunt has been videotaping the games for Mom and me to see. My sister was so excited. Her eyes were lit with happiness. The last two games she was high point man in scoring. In one game her 3 point shots kept them in the game, tying up the score. She hit 4 in a row. If you don't know basketball, it's pretty tough to hit consecutive 3's like that. They were nothing but net. She has a beautiful shot.
By the next game she was a starter. She scored the first 6 points in the first quarter. That's awesome. And I'm so proud of her for not giving up and showcasing her own style. She doesn't have to live up to anything I did, she's talented all on her own.
I just love her because she's my Chellabella. She rocks!!
2/19/2001 11:21:46 AM |
° i am the warrior °
I Do No Like Green Eggs & SPAM...
I keep getting this e-mail, but I have a real problem with them. So here's the letter and in brackets ( ) is my reply.
Hi (Hey yourself, whoever you are)
We are responding to your request for FREE analysis of your site: (What request? Give me names, I want to know exactly which person loves me this much to create spam in my e-mail. Come on, you can tell me. I won't bite... yet!
http://www.vanderwoning.com/living/blog.html (Yup, that's my weblog site. Thanks for reminding me.)
We feel there is very substantial potential to promote your site on the Internet. (Really? I bet you tell everyone that... haha)
That is what we do - we bring traffic to our client's websites. (No kidding. Wow! But... I'm not your client.)
We have proprietary software (Kewl... I have software too. You show me yours, I'll show you mine. I'll even let you go first.) and assortment of other Internet tools designed to make your site popular (Oh no! You mean I'm not popular? Ack! Oh the pain. You know, that upsets me so bad knowing I'm not popular. Maybe I should change my name to Lady Godiva or something. I hear she was pretty popular. Woe is me!) and bring traffic that is interested in your product area. (Traffic? Are we talking cars here? Product? *puts up her Not-For-Sale sign*)
This can put dollars in your pocket. (Hmm... If I'm not selling anything, and I don't have a *product*... hey wait, I don't even have any pockets. Hospital gowns are funny that way. Nowhere to hide anything. /wink This might be a problem, don't you think?? But hey, what do I know?)
Many of our clients initially thought it would be better for us to be paid in a percentage of profits. (Isn't that special? By any chance are their names Donald Trump, Proctor and Gamble or Bill Gates??) Thank goodness for them they choose a flat fee instead. (Yeah, really. Lucky for them.)
They have enjoyed an enormous increase in traffic. (Mah hahaha. I just bet they have. I see the tread marks all over them.)
Please REPLY to this email and include your: (Are you yelling at me?? Don't do that.)
Full Name: (KCinderella KCaptain of KChick KCourt KClan... *phew* Can you say that 10 times really fast?? What? KCat got your tongue????)
Telephone #: (Ok... since you're so special I'll give you my #. It's 1-800-Get-Lost. Don't give that out. It'll be our secret. Oh by the way, have your credit card handy.)
WEB site: (Umm, I thought you had that already, or did you already forget?)
I think you will be very surprised by the detail and results of our analysis. (Yup, I'm pretty sure I will. Do you happen to know the Social Worker? But I have to tell you, I don't really need to be analysed.)
Kelly Brady
Broadcast Promotions
(Ummm... Kelly I hate to tell you this but did you know there's all these other people who stole your job title? Wow, I can just hear the cat fight in that office right now. *sigh* You girls really gotta learn how to play nice together.)
I do not like green eggs and SPAM. I do not like them, Kelly I am.
2/19/2001 09:53:22 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, February 18, 2001
Thanks for the e-mail Eric. You're right, monkeys are funny. Maybe the SW evolved a little bit from his ancestory.
You know how when you visit the Monkey area at the zoo and sometimes they toss their feces at the spectators??? Well, the SW keeps throwing his shit around. Hmm... yup, I think we might be on to something.
If someone would loan me a Nixon mask, a space helmet, bike with side car, a nun and a pinafore I'd be set. I'd probably find him really hilarious for sure. Haha.
Now everytime he comes in I'll be thinking about those monkeys at the zoo. D'oh.
2/18/2001 10:44:26 AM |
° i am the warrior °
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