Saturday, March 03, 2001
And a big Thanks to Mark for introducing me to HypertextKitchen
/salute ;-)
3/3/2001 08:35:41 AM |
° i am the warrior °
As soon as things get back to normal, I'll be adding a few new links. Or rather Randy will be adding them for me. Have a look now if you want. You'll be glad you did. They *soulfully* rock. Enjoy.
Lucid Confusion
NoahGrey
Unxmaal
Lunatique Ravings
Rivervision
3/3/2001 08:25:13 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Cookies! Reece's! Yay.
Mom dropped them off last night
I will share, maybe.
A butt Randy has
I can tease him about that.
See him pounce me... Ack!
Hauki is fun... oui?
Enter Randy's contest... hey.
A T-Shirt... oh yah.
Sunshine and moonbeams
The light of the world is seen.
Day or night... forever.
3/3/2001 07:54:53 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, March 02, 2001
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
~ Emile Zola
The Blue Robe
A pale blue terry cloth robe. Nothing special. No distinguished monograms. No large price tag to hurt a little girl's meager budget.
It felt thick beneath my hand. Inside the simple design, the material was soft. I knew it would be perfect for the purpose intended. I liked the long, wide belled sleeves and how the strip of silky ribbon made it look beautiful to my inexperienced eye.
It was one of many hanging before me. But this was the one. It was the one I'd chosen. I stared at it a long time before digging deep into my pockets. I pulled out the handful of money. Loose coins and crumpled up bills. I chewed on my lip in worry as I handed all the money to my grandma. "Is it enough g-ma? It's all I got... is it enough?"
The seconds ticked by as I waited. Grandma seemed to be counting the money, or to an anxious little girl it looked that way. Grandma handed me a quarter back, she smiled and lifted my chin with her finger. "Looks like you did a good job saving up young lady."
If I'd have known any better at the time, I'd have realised the money my grandma handed the cashier wasn't the pile of change I'd given her. I know now what she'd done. But I was intent on watching how the lady was handling the precious robe. I frowned as she wadded it up and stuffed it into a bag. How could she do that?
As soon as we got to the car I pulled the robe out and tried to fold it. Grandma saw my struggle. She guided my fumbling hands and helped me so it was beautiful again. I was so proud, and excited.
On Mother's Day I handed my mom the haphazardly wrapped package. I'd done it myself. Laboured at coloring the newspaper and taping odd shaped hearts all over it. Thinking back I know how awful it looked but my mom ooh'd and ahh'd over it like it was the most awesome thing she'd ever seen. She opened it so carefully, so lovingly.
When she lifted the robe out of the box tears streamed down her cheeks. She put it on then wrapped me within her warm embrace.
My mom still has that robe. The newness of it has expired through many washings. Softened by time, and many memories. I remember a lot of times when the robe served as a blanket, me cuddled up within its security. Sometimes my sister, brother and I would climb on my mom's lap and snuggle up close to her, she'd wrap us inside as she hugged us.
The first time mom had to go home she left the robe here with me. A touch of herself and her love. When I first saw it, it was just a blue terry cloth robe seen through the eyes of a child. But somehow over the years my mom brought it to life... washed it with love, folded it with care, and shared its warmth with us, her children.
It's just an old blue terry cloth robe - or is it?
3/2/2001 08:21:12 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, March 01, 2001
The Money Pit
I came across something that probably isn't new to others but I found it kind of tacky.
It was a person about my age asking for contributions to help her purchase something. Now, I probably wouldn't have a problem with it if the person was in need, but from what I read, she had a job, a place to live, etc.
You could buy something from her cafepress account, or she came right out and said if you wanted to toss her a few bucks she preferred the *Paypal* method. Hmm...
First off, I sure wasn't raised to ask perfect strangers to give me money. Secondly, if I did do that I don't think I'd feel too good about what I'd bought with money I asked strangers for. I'm not sure I'd even feel I deserved it since I hadn't worked for it myself. That's all way too easy. And it's not even close to being right.
But you say, "Hey KC you have t-shirts for sale on your site." Yup, I do. But they're at cost, I don't make anything from them. And if I asked for money for anything, I'd ask you to donate it yourself to any number of awesome charities.
This is exactly the type of thing my aunt would use to figure out a way to her own money problems. It promotes the wrong things. It tells us we don't have to work to get what we want, we can just ask other people to throw money at us. It takes away from the ones who really need help for important things and can't afford it.
It's not wrong to sell things to get money, whether it's on the internet not. It's not wrong to ask for money for an important purpose. What's wrong is the importance we put on things that really aren't important.
And the way we choose to ask for it. The thought of someone my age, or anyone for that matter, asking for money for something so trivial just annoys me big time.
Maybe it's just me, but there's no pride in a free hand out.
3/1/2001 12:52:20 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Survivor - The Series
I've been waiting all week for tonight's episode of Survivor. I've been trying to figure out all week who gets hurt and how. My first thought was: Ack! Alligator attack. OMGosh I hope it's just something like - so and so fell trying to take a dip in the creek, kind of thing.
Then I was eliminating people from the Kucha Tribe, seeing which ones they didn't show. I know the yell came from a man. Since I like Roger I was thinking, "Oh no, not him." But I saw him with Elizabeth so I don't think it's him. Not that I want any of them to get hurt but I have my favorites.
It's funny because I didn't watch Survivor last year. But I have a little more time on my hands, so why not? I decided I think I'd make an awesome survivor contestant.
Hmm... I might just have to consider that. Yah think?
3/1/2001 08:59:40 AM |
° i am the warrior °
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
~ Buddy Hackett
Why?
This is a conversation I had with my mom yesterday. Scene - Mom walked in with a tape measure and a catalog.
Mom: Kaycee, I need you to stand up.
Me: Why?
Mom: Stand up and hold your arms out.
Me: Why?
Mom: I need to measure you.
Me: Why?
Mom: Because the doctor told me I needed too.
Me: Why?
Mom: You'll have to ask him.
Me: Why?
Mom: What?
Me: No, not what, why?
Mom: Why what? Are you trying to confuse me?
Me: No, why?
Mom: Never mind, you've lost me. Write these numbers down for me.
Me: Okay, but why?
Mom: (smacks me on the rear) Don't start that with me again. Co-operate, will you please. (a short pause then laughter) Kaycee, where did your butt go?
Me: Mooooooom! No more butt talk, ok?
Mom: Alright I'm finished. Sit down and let me measure your foot.
Me: Why!?
Mom: Kaycee.
Me: Ok, ok but note it's under protest.
Mom: So noted. I should see how tall you are...
Me: Noooo... geez, you've measured my boobs, my waist, my butt, my feet... anything else you need?
Mom: Yes. I think I should measure your head for a muzzle. I could give it to the next guy in your life. He'd thank me.
Me: *rolling eyes and laughing* Thanks mom, I love you too. You know, this reminds me of two things. Being fitted for a wedding, and for graduation caps and gowns. Hey that's it... the doc is giving me a graduation ceremony. Maybe I'll get a KCertificate for the longest test of endurance.
Mom: I think he should get a certificate for surviving you without having a heart attack.
Mom sat down and started flipping through the catalog, then suddenly she said, "Good Lord, Kaycee!"
Me: What!?
Mom: I find this rather hard to believe...
Me: What? What?
Mom: *shaking her head* I can't tell you.
Me: Why?
Mom: Here we go again. *she looks up at me and laughs* And I can't tell you because you told me not to discuss your butt.
Me: Go ahead, say it.
Mom: Butt butt butt butt.
D'oh. Meet my mom the fruitcake. This redefined the art of a mother - daughter conversation. And it proves that moms always want to see you make a butt of yourself. Haha.
Quick! Everyone hide the tape measures before your mom comes after you!!!!! Hurry hurry, time's running out. No one's safe. Ack!!!
3/1/2001 08:24:47 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, February 28, 2001
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
~ Groucho Marx
A Book On *How-To*
The nurses are being funny again. They presented me with a gift, a homemade book titled: How to Live Without Your IV.
Hmm... let's see. The little stick figure of me is pretty good. I kind of like the big green eyes and yellow hair. And I really like the *No* sign over that portable IV stand.
First page:
Run
Second page:
Run KC
Third page:
Run KC run
And it continues... See KC. See KC run. See KC run without her IV! Boy can she run.
See Sharon run after KC. See Sharon need CPR. Stop KC stop!
See pills? See KC chew pills. No KC no! Swallow pills. See KC make nasty faces...
Ok, do you get the impression they're trying to hint at something here? *ponder ponder*
2/28/2001 10:50:50 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Nah - Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah... Hey Hey Hey Good-Bye!
At first I had the Hickman, then I went to a regular IV. And now, as of 6:30 a.m. CST, I'm tubeless. Ack, I feel so nekked! Hey, I can live with it!
*Does the two handed wave*... nah nah, nah nah nah nah... hey hey hey good-bye! Woo-hoo!
Okay, sing it now...wait, what's that? You don't have that mp3! Well... download it then. Here ya go Steam - Nah Nah, Hey Hey, Goodbye
2/28/2001 07:14:02 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, February 27, 2001
I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
~ William Butler Yeats
Never Had A Dream Come True
**Words in italics are the song by S Club 7 Never Had a Dream Come True**
I'm not sure how many people are left in my life. Seems friends have come and gone for one reason or another. I know I pushed some people out of my life because I was afraid of hurting them. I thought if I put distance between us then if death claimed me they wouldn't be left in sorrow.
I know it was wrong of me to do that. For myself it doesn't matter whether someone I care about is in front of me or at a great distance I'd still feel the pain of their loss. So why didn't I think it'd be the same for someone else? I guess in my defense all I can say is my intent was to spare them. I can admit I was wrong. We can't shelter anyone from pain so I wasted precious time with several people I love.
Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you know
Some of those relationships I can't repair. I kept thinking if it was meant to be, it would be. I'm questioning that statement.
Not everyone is willing to fight to hang on to something special. It's easier to let go and walk away. I let them go but I never released the dream they created within me. I'm not really sure what I expected them to do. You can't go back to what was but I am hoping what will be has the potential to be better.
I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
I carry a part of everyone with me everyday. At some point or other they'll help me overcome or have a greater understanding for something. Maybe that's the gift they leave you with as they part from your life.
It has to be enough sometimes. It's like the last flower in the garden that hasn't withered. It stands tall and beautiful facing the scorching heat of summer. You watch it drop its petals one by one, then fade as the season draws to an end. But the image of it is pressed in your memory... and it sustains you. And you know when the time and conditions are right it'll return even stronger and more beautiful then when you last saw it.
Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
And so my road can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go
The equal mixture of today and yesterday shape how tomorrow can be. The new wraps itself around the old and holds the dreams together.
But they've evolved into something different. The cocoon opens up to reveal the butterfly. A creation of old, transforming into new. Thoughts intertwining freely yet co-existing in harmony.
I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be
You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will, you know you will
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back or wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye
No no no no
I don't know how the final chapters will be written. The pages are filled to this point with many faces and each one has given me a part of themselves. Even though I turn the weathered pages of time the imprints never change. They aren't like the footprints left in the sand that get washed away and disappear with the tide.
I see it as a precious collection of sonnets and lyrics. Each one has its own song, its own poetic significance. The elated. The sad. The sorrowful. The warmth. The love. The sharing.
I might not ever get a chance to thank everyone who's made a contribution to my life. I may have missed some opportunities to express my gratitude and love to those I pushed onward in the journey. I hope they can forgive me.
But I also want them to know I'll never forget them. I didn't think I'd ever had a dream come true... until now. I realise each person in my life fulfilled a dream in me.
Each day has been a dream come true.
2/27/2001 10:18:22 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, February 26, 2001
I like a man who grins when he fights.
~ Winston Churchill
Put Down Your Weapon
Today I had a short trip out of the KCell Block. Woo-hoo. I went down to PT since they were to busy to come see me. Hey, I sure didn't mind. The coffee's free down there. Haha - I'm kidding.
Doug said, "Ok, drop down and give me 20, Miss Kaycee."
Yah right! In your dreams, soldier. But he did wonder if I could squat.
Umm... I busted out laughing on that one. I said, "Yah, girls are sort of known for their squatting ability."
D'oh. I love to see him blush. My bad.
I was thinking, "Hey, piece of cake." So I squatted down. Problem was, I couldn't get back up. Sheesh. I'll have to work on that.
It was great just being out of my room for awhile. The last thing I did before leaving was challenge Doug to a duel. We chose our weapons - those soft big yellow nerf bats. And we jousted using wheelchairs as our chariots.
Doug's pretty bad, he couldn't wheel and hit at the same time which put him at a disadvantage. *flex* I whipped his booty.
Have no fear. He vowed revenge. I can't wait!!
2/26/2001 11:47:45 AM |
° i am the warrior °
KCat Attack
Take that you Funky Feline! Woo-hoo!
My G-ma sent me this picture today. See, I come by the KCat Attack naturally. Don'tcha think? /pounce pounce
2/26/2001 11:10:53 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, February 25, 2001
Part of a conversation I had with Randy today. See why I love him so much? Not only does he make me laugh and put up with my grumpiness and typo's, he loves me *forevery*... ;-)
KC: took me forevery to do it
KC: err forever
bwg: forevery is also good
bwg: in fact i like that
KC: doh
bwg: kaycee, i love you always and forevery :-)
KC: aww a new word
bwg: *grin* but mostly i just plain love you
KC: woo-hoo we have a new *forevery* word... should we define it
bwg: beyong forever
bwg: beyond even
KC: lmao Chinese english *beyong forevery*
KC: a KClassic phase discovered by Randy and Kaycee
bwg: lol
2/25/2001 06:20:37 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Changes
**Words in italics are the lyrics to David Bowie's song Changes**
The past few days have taken their toll on me, riding the high wave that brought me crashing into the rocky cliffs along the shore. Guess I was fooling myself. Trying not to think about some things that I really needed to take a hard, long look at.
I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
For every victory there was a defeat. For every accomplishment there was a setback. For every beaten challenger there was another opponent. Each one left an impression on me. Somehow, somewhere. Physically, mentally and spiritually. It never left me in bitterness, only reflective through the passing moments of time.
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test
When I searched inside myself I could see how my aunt would view me as that faker. She accused me a lot of things and I wondered if maybe she was right. She sees me as a person living in my own perfect little world. Encased in glass, sheltered from the harsh realities life hands out. Her words cut deep into me and as I watched myself bleed, all I saw was an imperfect person making a messy puddle in front of me. The splatters of red had their own design. I realised it didn't matter who I thought I was, my aunt would read the patterns exactly how she wanted too. Where I saw red, she saw blue. Where I saw stains, she saw immaculacy. She had placed me in an ivory tower whether it was so she could look up to me or maybe she wanted me to gaze down at her. I don't know. I saw us as equal. Striving to help each other. She accused me of being not understanding... she was right. The blurry picture was becoming clearer and I had to take my share of the blame.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
I had to face the stranger, myself. The one my aunt accused me of being. The one who'd added to a greater problem. The one who'd made things worse by helping. The one who wanted to push aside her own trials and concentrate on everyone else. I also had to face the stranger, my aunt. The one who hid things from me. The one who tried to lay her own guilt upon me. The one who needed to face herself and take her own long, hard look.
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I didn't want to think I'd changed too much. But if we don't change we become stagnant. Growing and changing. Changing and growing. I'd like to think that's where the difference has been.
I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
The months have been endless for me. Waiting and waiting and waiting. I know I'm impatient to leave it all behind me. Lately it's as if the walls are crowding me. I feel trapped and anxious. Nothing seems important except escaping the cell that's held me for so long. I get scared sometimes I won't make it through the opening when the door opens. It's the past haunting me and I don't want this to be another dead-end. A retracing of my steps. But I'm afraid to think about it too much. To hope it's true yet wonder if it's not... still the days seem the same.
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through
I'm trying to change my world. I've been trying to break the chains that others strove to place on me. Long before the cancer it was a battle. The labelling didn't fit the contents. I'm not what others thought I should be. The only thing I wanted was not to be prejudged and have to fight a stigma that never existed to begin with. Other people placed it there for their own reasons, yet I was the one who had to fight against it. It wasn't always fair. It wasn't close to being right. All I wanted was my own chance to be me.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time
I don't want to feel shame because others can't see past their own personal hidden reasons. Whether it's jealousy, or their own low self-esteem, or some unexplainable envy that they are trying to overcome. I can't let them steal the real me. I've always been true to myself. I shouldn't have to apologise for that.
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time
Time has changed me, and I've grown older along with it. I have more understanding to what's important in my own life. I see a greater beauty. I'm not clinging to dollar signs or trying to keep up with anyone. I'm trying to find all the hidden treasures that want to be admired and breathed into life by anyone who'll take the time to find them. I'm not naive or perfect. I'm not judgemental toward others. I see the potential of greatness in everyone and everything.
I'm changing...
2/25/2001 05:56:06 PM |
° i am the warrior °
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