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Saturday, August 26, 2000
Surprises
I am crying as I try to write. Mothers can shed tears at the oddest moments. There were two surprises that happened yesterday. Both of them caught me off guard.
I arrived home to find a car parked in our driveway. I assumed one of Kaycee’s friends stopped by to visit, which would not be unusual. The next thing I noticed was this was a new car with temporary tags. Again, I assumed one of my daughter’s friends was the lucky owner. It was difficult not to give this vehicle the once over. It happened to be the type of car I wanted myself, right down to the exact same color. I was envious. I quickly dispelled those notions. Whichever friend it belonged to, I had plans of harassing them until they gave me a ride. I continued my slow walk of inspection around the car. I believe I may have been lusting at some brief point.
It was rather whimsical on my part. I am not the “keep up with the Jones' type.” I was raised in the atmosphere of a large family. There was never extra money for frills. I learned to go without anything that was not a need and be thankful for what I did have. Once I had children myself I vowed they would have more than I had growing up, within reason. I did want them to understand how to determine what they needed to have, and what they simply wanted to have. I am trying to fool myself, I spoiled my kids.
Upon approaching the front end of the new car something red caught my eye. There was a red ribbon setting on the hood. I smiled as I reached out to touch it. I thought. "What a wonderful, extravagant gift to give your child." As much as I wanted to think I would not do such a thing, I knew I would if it were possible.
The front door to our house opened and my three children rushed out yelling, “Surprise!” I know I had an astonished look on my face. My son did not give me time to form any thoughts. He blurted out excitedly, “Happy belated Birthday Mom! Do you like your new car? It’s radical! We’re sorry it’s late.”
We?
I gave Kaycee one of my What do you know about all this? looks. She smiled and shrugged. I saw her quickly dash away her tears. She did not fool me. However, my son has never been prone to keeping secrets so he spilled the whole story. And rather proudly I must say. Once the explanations were out of the way I broke down into tears and embraced them all. My children had bought me a car. I know who is responsible. I also know how Kaycee included her brother and sister in the process. They were all so proud of their actions. I feel extremely unworthy to have received such a spectacular gift.
What am I going to do with these kids of mine? I do not even know how to adequately express the love and joy they bless me with each and every day. I am the truly blessed.
We piled in the car, turned up the music and cruised the streets. The smiles and laughter were, as my kids would say, sweet.
8/26/2000 11:08:48 AM |
° continue the journey °
Friday, August 25, 2000
the good: We arrived home safely.
the bad: The house was a mess.
the ugly: The kids told me they cleaned.
It is nice to be appreciated. Even the dog wanted to share kisses.
Have a good day.
8/25/2000 06:50:52 AM |
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Thursday, August 24, 2000
Shining Star
After fourteen days it is time to venture home. While we have been here, my other two children have started school. This is the first time any of my offspring have started their first day of school without me ushering them out the front doors. Finding a balance for everything can be arduous. We are constantly fighting the guilts.
Kaycee often feels she is taking away from her siblings. This is not the case at all. Her brother and sister look up to her for guidance and direction. In so many ways she is their mentor. There have been many times when the two younger ones have sought out older sister for advice, reassurance, or direction. One day Kace will make a terrific mother herself. She has a natural ability to comfort, nurture, and love. To me, these are excellent qualities for a mother.
I tease Kaycee and tell her I hope at least one of her children turns out as stubborn as she is (and continues to be). I can recall many tales of childhood adventures where she was the fearless one. In her youthful eyes nothing ever seemed too large to tackle. If anyone told her “you can’t” she set out to prove she could. This was not to allow her to laugh in their face and say, “Look at me now, you were wrong.” It served more as self-motivation. It was her way of determining her own strengths and weaknesses. The path she has ventured along has not been easy. Everyone seemed to demand more from her. Perhaps I did as well. I am not certain.
There was a little girl Kaycee met during her first bout of Chemo Therapy last August. I remember her telling me, "Mom, she’s ten years old and she is so strong. I want to do whatever I can to keep that gorgeous smile on her face. I want to fight her fight, I want to carry her up that mountain.”
Alissa became Kaycee’s drive factor and hero. For Alissa, Kaycee bestowed hope, happiness and shared dreams of the future. Alissa needed a Bone Marrow Transplant and each day we all prayed a donor would be found. Kaycee spoke out on behalf of her young friend, urging everyone she knew to be tested, to give a young girl the gift of continued life.
This beautiful child’s final wish was to learn to play basketball. She asked Kace if she would teach her. It was her goal to be able to make a basket without being on her father’s shoulders. Kaycee was sick herself, but she never let anything keep her from coaching her young friend.
The day Alissa made her first basket all by herself was a day of glory for everyone. Kaycee came to me beaming from ear to ear. She asked me if I would mind if she gave Alissa one of her MVP awards. I was so proud at that moment I could barely speak. When Kaycee presented the plaque to Alissa her little eyes lit up in wonder. She told Kaycee, “You are my hero." Kaycee never liked being thought of as anyone’s hero. She likes the term friend much better.
In November Alissa made her final journey home. God embraces her now. Kaycee took the news very hard. She refused to let her young friend be forgotten. Soon after Champ Camp was introduced. This was Kaycee’s tribute to the Shining Star Alissa had become to her.
I love my children dearly. If you have children, please embrace the time you are given with them.
8/24/2000 09:41:11 AM |
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Wednesday, August 23, 2000
A Bee in my Bonnet
I am not as gracious as my daughter can be in these times of heartache. I did not reach the age of 40 without learning how to push and shove when the case presented itself. When it deals with my children’s well being I can transform into the ferocious Leo that I am.
I have been very angry at several areas of Kaycee’s Cancer treatment. What I find so aggravating is the carelessness we have to endure, and due to this carelessness my daughter is the one left to suffer the consequences. I am not a bitter person. I have taught my children that forgiveness is the first step to healing yourself when others have hurt you. I stand by this. However, as my Grandmother used to say, “I have a bee in my bonnet.”
After many days of anticipating the results of my tests, the news finally arrived. I never thought to question the reason it took so long. I realize it is a delicate process. This was my opportunity to physically help my daughter. I wanted so desperately to give her the chance she deserves. My own life is secondary when it comes to that of my children. Most mothers will identify with my feelings; they are by no means heroic.
I was elated when we were told I was a match. My elation was dampened by the news that followed. We were given an apology for the test result delay. It seems there was a slight problem between my current Bone Marrow Tissue test and the previous one I gave in November. The lab was baffled at the differences in the two, they took additional time to investigate. This is where my anger surfaces. There was a slight mix up in the original tests and I was told I was not a good enough match.
Due to this original mistake my daughter was given another donor who matched up better. At the time I was enthusiastic but shortly after the procedure she went through hell. Her body began rejecting what was supposed to make her better. She now has to contend with DVHD (Donor vs. Host Disease). I can not tell you all the damage this has caused.
“I am sorry” does not seem acceptable enough to me. This is my baby. My first born. My child. Frankly, I have every right to be angry. I catch myself back peddling to the point it may have made a critical difference. Perhaps it could have spared Kaycee some agony. She has had to grow up much too quickly. In many ways she has the wisdom of a person well beyond her years.
I will not wallow in my anger, yet it is heart wrenching to accept.
8/23/2000 10:24:04 AM |
° continue the journey °
Everything seems different from a Mother's point of view. This is why I am here, to add my own thoughts within this continuing, revolving, crazy world.
I have three great children, whom I love. I thought my largest challenge in life was to raise them and teach them. Instead I find they are teaching me along the way.
Last year our normal family life changed dramatically. My daughter (who was 17 then) was diagnosed with Cancer. After months of remission the Cancer has returned. The battle wages on. I urge you to take a peek into her journal,
Living Colours. You will find an entire new world filled with all the elements life has to offer.
I chose the title Journey toward the Rainbow with my daughter's help. I wanted this to be an extention of the life we are facing. No journey is without storms. However, there is always a Rainbow when the sun breaks through the clouds.
This is our journey toward the rainbow.
8/23/2000 12:08:48 AM |
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