Thursday, April 05, 2001

The Parent Trap

I spent a lot of time last night thinking about each of my parents. I formed a list of common links they shared and tried to fit the puzzle together to this point in their lives, and mine too.

First Mom. She came from a large family. She is the oldest girl but not the oldest of the seven kids.

I know she took care of her brothers and sisters. I also know my grandparents placed a lot of responsibility on her. Her father was really strict, and I also know while Mom was a teenager, she and Grandpa disagreed on a lot of things. There was conflict over normal stuff - boyfriends, independence, more freedom.

Mom was not raised that women were inferior, but that kids were to be seen and not heard. Girls were to be well-mannered, domestic, and responsible. She also had daily chores like cleaning, laundry, ironing, watching her sisters and brothers, gardening, feeding the animals and whatever else my grandpa told her to do.

She told me she was never, ever allowed to ask: "Why?" That was grounds for immediate punishment.

And being the eldest girl, she said Grandpa always found a way to place the blame on her shoulders. The forms of punishment she endured in the society we live in now would be considered brutal.

She grew up knowing what she didn't want her kids to suffer through. But she also placed value on the lessons of respect and responsibility. Somehow she balanced it all out in a way that reflected positively on my sister, brother and I.

She made peace with Grandpa through open communication and agreeing to disagree in different areas. I see the type of relationship it's grown into. Grandpa openly admits he made mistakes and Mom agrees she made some too, but rather than become a victim of that standard, they both broke free of it.

My dad grew up with some similarities. His mother was the only female in the household and I don't think it's hard to figure out what Dad saw as he grew up. His father used verbal abuse to demoralise. His point of attack was creating dissention and arguements. Basically he browbeat everyone using words as his weapon.

Dad admits he hated how Grandpa whipped Grandma into the ground. His opinion was the only one that mattered, whether right or wrong.

Dad told me when he was young if Grandpa started yelling and bitching, he took off outside or up to his room. He knew it'd end like it always did, with his parents throwing hurtful words at each other. If it was directed at him, Grandma stepped in and took on Grandpa's wrath.

When he grew up he was pretty shy and quiet. I think Mom saw this very sensitive person who understood how it felt to live with the pain of keeping those feelings in check. For some reason Dad did fine until Grandma died.

Through Grandma was the communication with Grandpa, and once she was gone it broke down and fell apart. I think she was the strong one that had held her family together. Mom was the one who fought for her while she was fighting for her boys.

I tried to figure out why Mom was able to overcome while Dad suddenly was turning into the man he despised.

I love my Dad. I'll always love him, but he broke the lines of communication with me and doesn't want to repair them. Just like his Dad did with him.

You see my theory is that Grandpa won't humble himself to admit he was wrong. He carried on with everything just as it had been. No forgiveness. No humility. No tolerance. No remorse. He has nothing to carry him into the next level because he can't say: I was wrong.

I think to build a healthy relationship for the future, at some point we have to face where we went wrong. He won't allow that door to open. He won't allow his sons to resolve or even understand.

Even so, why can some people break free and others not? If we could answer that question the world would be a much kinder place.

Dad should just forgive and move on, even if Grandpa never owns up to all the chaos he created. I may not be a genuis, but the road Dad is taking is leading him to the exact same place Grandpa is.

His kids are going to be bewildered by the closed door and left trying to salvage some sort of relationship that lacks respect. They hear but they're not listening. They talk but they aren't understanding.

The Dad I used to know - he's in there somewhere and I hope his family means enough to him to fight his way out. I'm not the only one who still loves him...

Wednesday, April 04, 2001

Holy Chumbawamba... He's Just Pissing In The Wind (Again)!!!

I'm wondering how my grandpa got to be over the age of 75 without someone knocking a few of his teeth out.

No, I'm serious! If he talks like that to other people then he should've been wearing dentures for the past 60 + years. Just when I think I've heard him say everything stupid, he proves me wrong.

That expression: pissing in the wind. I'd have thought my grandpa might have caught on to why you don't do it. But maybe he just doesn't swallow it.

After I took a shower I just wanted to lay down and rest awhile. I've been really tired the last few days. When I heard the knock on the door I wasn't going to answer it, but then I thought it might be my doctor dropping in to check out the situation.

It wasn't. It was my grandpa. He practically pushed his way in before I could tell him mom was sick. Behind him was some lady I don't know.

I told him mom was sick and he said, "Good. What the hell's she got?" I smiled but I felt like wrapping my hands around his neck and choking him. "A Stomach virus. You should probably leave so you don't get it."

"Hell I already had that. Maybe I gave it to her. She deserves it. A woman ain't ever sick, they pretend so it gets 'em out of work." He flopped down on the couch and threw his thumb over his shoulder on his way, "The old lady there is Annie."

I shook Annie's hand while she stared at me. My grandpa said, "She ain't the one who looks like my dead wife, just sit down. Kaycee I got an anniversary coming up, would've been married 45 years."

"Grandpa, you never celebrated with Grandma when she was alive, why would you start after she's been gone."

"God, you bitch just like your mother. I told your dad he better get your mom in line..."

I was still standing and I looked down at him which is pretty much the way I saw him... lower than a surface of dirt. "You know Grandpa, I think it's time for you to leave. And when it comes to giving my dad advice, I wish you'd shut the hell up - to paraphase you of course."

I don't really like speaking to my own grandfather like that but the conversation was going nowhere fast. I just didn't want to play his little word games. I walked to the door and held it open, he stared me down but I never spoke or moved.

About 5 minutes later he got up and started to leave. Yes, he got in a parting shot at me, just like he always does.

He was pissing in the wind again.

Personally, I wish he'd grow up but I won't hold my breath.

4/4/2001 17.13.54 | ° i am the warrior °

I wanted to mention a few links that have been added...

Another beautiful Soul Sister of mine - Lisa - BaggyBoxers She's totally awesome.

Then there's Catherine... she sooo rocks!! Her pics are awesome and so is she. Living Art Online Pa-lease go see the beauty of her soul!

The lovely Robin Jean is another welcome addition into my world.

And finally, Eric at Whuzzup pushes past my security guards and muscles his way in. Haha. I'm teasing, don't let him dazzle you too much. Sooooo Whuzzup??? /wink

Yowza! It's like link-o-rama today. Ok, I'll get back to business now. Hmm... maybe, maybe not.

4/4/2001 13.22.41 | ° i am the warrior °

Woo-hoo Randy made this kute little KC Warrior banner for me while I was slaving away on the WebKCards. Hmmm, is that like bribery or something? Ha!

I'm kidding but after his April Fool joke he owed me! /smacks Randy! D'oh, I can't believe I fell for that.

Anywayz... go ahead, steal the banner. Come on, you know you want to. /wink

Besides it's the next best thing to me /pouncing you. Don't worry, I'll take care of Mr. Randall van der Woning *hides his eyes* Ok quick take it and run!!!! *mg*

4/4/2001 12.19.27 | ° i am the warrior °

KCreative WebKCards

Ahh... just when you didn't think I could come up with anything else.

Well I was doing some things for fun to amuse myself and I created these little Webcards. They're the Net equilvalent of a business card. Not sure they have any purpose but who knows - might be useful in e-mail or something.

And yes, I did swipe their designs from their owners, but only for the purpose of making this special WebCard for them. Forgive me, forgive me.

John... ColdMarble Musing

Kaycee... Living Colours

Jeff... Lucid Confusion

Randy... [the bwg update]

Jim... JimFormation

Ray... Caustic Sense

4/4/2001 11.35.45 | ° i am the warrior °

Monday, April 02, 2001

I posted a few new pictures in the KCruisin Shoebox.

This is one of them and probably my favorite. I called it Royal Blue only because words failed me for an adequate title. This is one example why I love sunsets and sunrises so much. Not only are the colors awesome but as each minute goes by they change into more beauty.

By the way... Randy created a new Photo section for me. The new link is up on the left, or you can click the photo.

Have a look. It's PRIMO!!

4/2/2001 11.17.51 | ° i am the warrior °

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research.
~ Anonymous

Spring Fever

Mom is really sick right now.

I don't think she's moved much in the past 24 hours except to get herself to the bathroom. The really bad thing about all this is I can't help her like I want to. Staying in the shadows and knowing all I can do is pretty much just watch is really hard for me.

Yesterday morning when it all started I attempted to go to her but Mom shut the door on me. She told me to get my mask on and keep it on. Then she told me she was going to have to go away. I knew that was impossible, she was pale and had no strength, there's no way she could drive herself. She already had a temperature of 101 and I don't think her muscles were cooperating with the rest of her.

I sat down on the couch watching the closed bathroom door and listened. I guess I was trying to analyse how sick she really was. I decided to call my doctor and get some advice. I've always known how great a person he is but yesterday I found out a little more.

He took the time not just to come check on Mom but he brought food, and other things like lysol, rubber gloves, disinfectant, more disposable masks, and a caring attitude. He didn't have to do all that but he did.

For the moment I get to stay put. But if mom gets worse I'll have to go to my aunt's house until Mom is better. I know Mom's worrying about me getting sick and I'm worrying about her while she's sick. It's one of those catch 22 things. But I don't want to go anywhere. I'll just have to be careful.

The doc said she has that stomach virus that's going around. Guess it takes about a week to get over. He came by this morning and said because Mom's so run down, it's hitting her pretty hard. Her fever is up a little and nothing is staying down. And yes, he checked me out and so far I'm good to go.

Eek... and I was busted on the MC and her kittens. Sorry kitties, but you've been banished to outside until further notice. Umm, and the pretty Boston fern... well, let's just say it's joining them on the patio too. It's a small price to pay though.

4/2/2001 09.39.52 | ° i am the warrior °

Sunday, April 01, 2001

I finally got a picture of two of the kittens under the watchful eye of the MC.

As you can see she's observing the situation carefully... Love those KCats!

4/1/2001 11.06.38 | ° i am the warrior °