Tuesday, May 01, 2001

Thank You

So many of you have sent me emails of kindness and support. I've been getting so many, there's no way I can even think about answering them. I feel kind of bad about that, so I want to take a moment right now and say a big Thank You to every one of you who took the time to write to me. I really appreciate you all. Your love overwhelms me.

Many have made incredible, unbelievable offers. Let me say that if the doctors could do anything, they'd be doing it. It's ok. I'm using my time to get everyone adjusted to what's to come. I still believe in miracles, but I know they come in all forms.

Several of you have asked where you can send things to me. You're awesome and I'm honored. I don't want to offend anyone, but I really don't need anything but your prayers and support. So please, instead of buying or sending gifts, say a prayer instead. Or even donate to some organisation you believe in. That's more than I could ever ask for.

Lots of people need our help and prayers. I'm the lucky one to have some many awesome people who love and care about me. I look at it this way: the continued inspiration and strength that comes from each of you are the true gifts.

Thank You, every one.

Only Time

I went out for awhile yesterday.

During the outing I got a little tired. I told Mom and Ash I'd wait for them just outside the front door and to take their time because I'd be fine. There was this bench facing the sidewalk and street so I was happy to sit and watch everyone. I'm a people watcher. I love observing them.

I noticed a little girl come out of the shops, look around, then go back inside. She did this several times before she finally walked over to me. I said hi as she stopped in front of me. She had a perplexed look on her face but she didn't seem afraid. I asked her if she was lost.

"No, I'm not lost."

"Well, that's good." I smiled at her while she was giving me one of those indignant looks. "Is your mom lost?"

"Yeah, she always gets lost and I gotta always find her."

"I know what you mean. Parents do that all the time don't they? Would you like to wait with me, until she gets unlost?"

The little girl didn't answer me she just climbed into my lap and took one of my hands. "My name's Kaycee, what's yours?"

"Eyisha."

"That's a really pretty name, how do you spell it?"

"E*Y*isha. How do you spell your name?" Her big brown eyes looked intently into mine and at the same time she ran her hand gently down my cheek.

"K*C*" I figured that'd be easier. Why complicate things?

"Your skin is really soft. Why are you so white? Can't you get chocolate like me?"

"Well no, God made us both special on the outside."

"Why'd he do that?"

"I'm not sure... maybe..."

"Maybe cuz his favorite ice cream is vanilla and chocolate."

I laughed. "Well, maybe."

Eyisha thought about it for about a second then she hugged me. After a little more conversation I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. She narrowed it down to a mommy, a teacher, a space girl, and a truck driver.

"I'm sure any of those will be fun."

"When you grow up KC what do you want to be?"

"Hmm... well maybe I'd like to be... a guardian angel."

"That'd be fun. You could stop big trucks and fly around. Can you be my guardian angel?"

"I'm not sure, but I'd like that a lot Eyisha. You don't pick up snakes and play with them do you?"

She laughed. "No, silly. Snakes are for boys." Her little face got serious and she put her hand on my face again. "Are you gonna be an angel KC?"

I didn't know a tear had started to slide out the corner of my eye until this kute little charmer sitting on my lap touched her finger to it. She told me not to cry because I'd make a really good angel.

"I think God picks his own angels Eyisha but if he chose me... I'd want to come and see you're beautiful smile."

She smiled and so did I. "I think angels smile just like you do KC."

"Yeah, I think they smile a lot too."

We sat and talked for a little longer then I thought Eyisha's mom might be getting a little panicked not knowing where she was. Hand in hand we went in search of her lost parent.

Who can say where the road goes... where the day flows... only time. Who knows... only time.

Enya ~ Only Time

Monday, April 30, 2001

Showdown At Dusk

Against All Odds

I've had a really hard time expressing myself lately.

The words swirl around in my brain but they don't seem to want to come out right. Guess I'm waiting until I know the right thing to say to Ashley before I say my piece. But she's making it hard for me. Not because she's not listening or not accepting but because she keeps doing all these little things that tell me how much she loves me.

Last night she brought a CD player to me, put the headphones on me and then sat down next to me. She gave me a trembling smile and without saying anything put her arms around me. She pressed my head against her shoulder then turned on the CD player.

I listened to Phil Collins sing to me in his wonderous soothing voice. It's like Ashley wanted him to tell me so many things she couldn't. I got this big lump in my throat and it was hard to swallow.

Against All Odds

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now

Friday, April 27, 2001

A Shot In The Dark

I first met Ashley in a park not far from my grandma's house.

I was sitting on a picnic table talking with girls I'd come to know by visiting my grandparents over the years. I don't remember what we were talking about. Probably boys or basketball, knowing me. There wasn't anything spectacular about that day just a handful of girls hanging out together.

Two cars entered the parking lot. It was a habit of mine to scope out any newcomers. Potential guys for us to check out, you know how it goes. I sort of shrugged it off when I saw the 5 girls get out. No guys - no interest for me and my friends. We didn't really give them the time of day. The other girls didn't know them so no greetings were exchanged.

At some point we'd moved away from the picnic tables and walked a few yards. I had my back to the parking lot where the 5 girls had been sitting on one of the cars. The laughing conversation in my little group suddenly stopped dead. I turned around and came face to face with a dark-haired girl. Her other 4 friends had hung back and had that cocky smirking attitude of girls who think they're all that. The girl in front of me lifted her chin sizing me up.

At 13 I was almost 5'7", had long blonde hair, and probably didn't look near as strong as I was. This girl was a little older, about an inch shorter and very determined.

She said, "I don't like the way you look." Then before I knew what was happening she popped me a good one and I landed on my butt in the grass. I laid there for a second, pretty stunned over what had just happened. I pushed myself up into a sitting position and lifted my eyes to the aggressor. She stood there towering above me but all I saw was this really scared look come into her eyes.

I pulled myself up off the ground while she'd turned her head to look at her friends. So when she turned back around we were pretty much eye to eye. She whispered, "Sorry about that kid, but you know how it is." I said, "Guess I'm stupid, but no, I don't know how it is. Your friends over there are wannabe's. Guess you're a wannabe too."

She looked at her friends laughing and growing bored that a fight wasn't going to take place. I saw that look come into her eye again. It was a desperate look of someone trying to find something. She turned and started walking away then she stopped and looked back at me. I told her in a low voice, "You go back with them and you'll always be a wannabe too." That girl walked away from all of us. She got into the old car she'd driven up in and squealed out of the parking lot.

I didn't know her name then. Wasn't even sure I wanted to know. I didn't think we had a thing in common. Besides she'd given me a bloody nose, I didn't need friends like that.

The next day my grandma told me she'd invited someone over to meet me. When the girl came my grandma made the introductions, "Kaycee meet Ashley." "We've already met, thank you very much. She was the dark haired girl from the park who'd smacked me."

That day was the beginning of the most awesome friendship anyone could ever want. It was our differences that bonded us closer together. Ashley was raising herself, her mom wasn't a good role model and didn't care, her dad long gone and out of the picture. She had so much potential and just needed someone, anyone, to see it and help her find it.

She was funny and out-spoken. She was intelligent and quick-witted. She was beautiful and strong. She wanted to care but no one had taught her how to go about doing it. She was a kid locked in a system of child services and no one would give her a chance so she quit trying. She did what everyone expected her to do - get into trouble. She thought it was a way to make someone see she needed help, but no one saw that. Well, no one but my grandma, then me, then Mom.

Ashley turned her life around. She did it by herself and there was nothing easy about it. Her mom packed up and left her without even a backward glance. Eventually the rent would run out and Ashley was literally left on the street to fend for herself. When she'd hit rock bottom she'd wander to my grandma's house.

Overcoming her pride took awhile. Trusting took even longer. Learning to love was the hardest thing of all.

Last year Ashley moved away to Seattle. It was pretty hard for both of us but she was trying to find peace after the loss of her fiance. I really wanted her to be happy. We've kept in contact but I haven't seen Ashley since she left. A few months ago she spread her wings and moved to Florida.

Like a true friend she's stuck with me through the highs and lows. Mom is like her adopted mom, my family is her family. I'm not sure why she feels like my disease is punishment for her past because it isn't. She's had this feeling of everything good being taken from her for a long time.

I'm not sure what I can say or do to help her see that it isn't, but it's important to me to try. I think the real miracles are in the outcome of our hearts and how we grow from it. Ashley and I have grown a lot together.

It just started with a shot in the dark.

The Journey to Home ~ Day 3 (Part 2)

I started getting sick in Georgia.

No offense to the wonderous people of that great state but I missed most of it. Mom was going to stop right then but I made her keep going. We compromised. At least I can say we made it to Florida even if it's the northern end.

It's still a long way to Miami. Why Miami? A good friend of mine lives there and I need to see her. And of course the ocean is right there too. I made Mom call Ashley and tell her we're coming. I've known Ashley for almost 7 years, she was the first big sister I ever had. We've been through a lot together. And I knew if I talked to her on the phone she'd know something was wrong. We'll save all that for later.

This 24 hour drive has turned into a three day slow moving ride. My fault but it's ok. I'm not sure I can go on tomorrow, we'll have to wait and see. There's no hurry, we'll get there.

I just need to rest a little. It's probably one of my pet peeves when my mind says go but my body says no.

I don't want to go to Disney World. I don't want to meet a rock star. I don't want to meet a sports figure or get an autograph. I don't want a sea cruise to the bahamas. I just want to get to Ashley, and that corner of the ocean.

Thursday, April 26, 2001

The Journey to Home ~ Day 3 (Part 1)

I thought this trip was about seeing places while getting to the ocean. But I'm being to question that.

I feel like it's more about people helping one another and showing kindness. It's watching and learning. It's not a race against time or trying to defy death. It's finding ways to overcome obstacles that seem to be in our day to day life. And for me it's as if I get the honor of seeing it unfold in all these simple but awesome ways.

I kept having this vision of myself today. I was sitting on a white fence surrounded by thick grass and a field spotted with wild flowers. It was a perfect clear, warm day. I had this feeling of being so content. What I remember most is... no pain, just this massive glowing sensation of being whole. The constant pain inside my body wasn't there.

The vision left me reassured in a lot of ways I can't explain. I wish I could because it might help someone else understand the unity of the body and soul.

We had a flat tire today. It wasn't a really big deal. We'd just gotten onto the highway so we weren't going very fast. Mom and I looked at each other when we heard this thunk thunk. I started to help her unload the trunk but she told me to save my energy, she could do it. I watched her get the spare, jack up the car, then try to remove the lugnuts. They wouldn't budge.

I went to try and help her but I'm no help at all, really. A few minutes later we both sit on the ground to rest. Mom got back up, told me to stay put, and I watched her try again. She stood on the tire iron, she smacked it with her shoe, she pulled it, she pushed it.

She kept tucking her hair behind her ear, sweat dripped off her nose, and she wiped her forehead, but she never got mad. She finally stopped and said, "I'm not strong enough, we'll need help with this."

A few minutes went by before a man in a pickup stopped. He tried to loosen the lug nuts but didn't have any luck. Then Mom and him tried together. About then a semi stopped and two more guys got out to help. They finally got the lugnuts loose, changed the tire, and reloaded the trunk. We thanked them, Mom tried to pay them but they declined and opted for the cold can of pop instead. We thanked them again then everyone was on their way again.

Later I kept hearing Mom's words about not being strong and needing help. And there it was. I knew we'd be ok. I knew she'd be ok because she'll always have help when she needs it. It might be a friend or family, a stranger, or a community of people who've never met. They'll share the strength, fix what's broken and get back on the path to travel on.

How many times have we already done that in our lives?

Discovery of the day: Southern hospitality really is alive and well. And those 'leafy greens' aren't so bad.

The Journey to Home ~ Day 2

The day started out a little different. When your traveling companion is your mom, and your mom's kinda goofy, well things happen.

Not long after we got started I noticed Mom was waving at people driving by. That's not really too strange. A little later I said, "Mom, are you speeding?"

"No I'm not speeding."

"Mom... are you sure you aren't speeding?"

"No sweetie, I'm not speeding."

"If you're not speeding why is that patrol car following us with its lights on?"

Mom pulled over and the Highway Patrolman came to the passenger side. We both said hello. It's so kute to see a patrolman smile. I don't know, maybe it's that hat they wear. I said, "She was speeding wasn't she?"

"Kaycee, I wasn't speeding. Was I speeding Officer?"

"No ma'am."

"She was swerving all over the road. I told her not to drink and drive."

The officer tried not to laugh and cocked an eyebrow at Mom.

"Kaycee... shhh. I have coffee."

"Drinking and driving is drinking and driving, right Officer?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Don't encourage her, she gets me in enough trouble."

The officer laughed and said, "Your sister is funny."

"She's my daughter and I think you should arrest her for making false claims against her mother."

"She gets kinda grumpy seeing men in uniform."

I'm not sure if the officer thought we were crazy or not but he was laughing.

"Ma'am the reason I stopped you is because of the trunk."

"Officer, I told her not to kidnap that elephant, but she never listens to me. I tried to tell her you just can't hide something like that."

"Kaycee will you stop!"

Mom got out of the car and went back to the trunk. The officer and I followed. "Oh my lord..." Mom covered her mouth in surprise and I busted out laughing. There was her purse battered and dusty hanging out of the trunk.

Well luckily everything was still in there. But Mom told me later, "No wonder all those people were waving, and here I thought they were being friendly." Actually they were but they probably decided: two blondes, 'nuff said. Either that or they wanted to know where they could get their own trunk purse. Hmm... nah.

My first sunset was gorgeous. Breathtaking. I don't know why but everything seemed brighter today. The colors just jumped out at me. It was just a great day.

Discovery of the day: Road construction is everywhere - it will get you no matter which way you go.

Always ask for scrambled eggs... you don't want to know why.

Wednesday, April 25, 2001

I'm calling these entries The Journey To Home because that's what they will be. I'm doing them for me.

Each day I get, I plan to fill up with as much as I can. It's my chance to express whatever mystical, magical twist I take. I'll cry, I'll laugh, I'll ponder. I have to do this for myself. I have no idea what will fill in this space until it's here. It leads to the beginning of the rest of my life. I won't be traveling alone until I get to the end, but I'll be smiling when I get there. ~ kaycee ;-)

The Journey to Home ~ Day 1

I woke up this morning to sunshine dancing on my pillow.

I remember smiling and thinking yesterday was just a bad dream. But it wasn't. I liked the thought, but it wasn't the reality.

My bedroom was empty except for the clothes I'd left behind to pack. I laid there a few minutes and it's like I could still hear Mom and Grandma crying together with me scrunched in the middle of them. I could hear my G-pa's voice grow thick from trying to get us past the moment. I regret I caused all the commotion. I never could overcome that point where I wanted to protect everyone. I still can't. Soften the blow - you can't no matter how hard you try. It doesn't work.

At first it was like walking on egg shells with Mom. I didn't want her to cry anymore but we both did. We agreed from now on if we felt like crying we would cry, or laugh if we felt like laughing or telling a joke. It has to be 100% at this point. We spent the morning doing that and packing.

After lunch I called Randy. It was so awesome to hear his voice. He spent the next 30 or so minutes listening to me cry and laugh and blow my nose. What are brothers for, right? Parts of it I totally broke down, other parts I was the normal me.

It's easy to say I want things to remain the same, to be treated like I always have. I don't want to feel guilty talking about the end, but the pain is there and you can't hide from it. Sometimes I want to for everyone's sake. I don't want to go without everyone but I know I have to. It's the hardest thing knowing.

So we finally were off, on our journey to the ocean. Mom stopped about 3 blocks later and asked me if we had everything before the keys went back to the owner. Suitcases - check. Map - check. Food - check. Ice Chest - check. Laptop... umm... laptop. Looks like I forgot something. Ok I'm still not perfect, I have room to grow.

I admit I fell asleep and took a short nap. When I woke up I watched the land zoom by and the cars and the people. I took Mom's hand and rubbed her cold fingers. It just felt good to know she was there.

We didn't get that far today but it didn't matter. It's the quality not the quantity.

Discovery of the day: The kleenex toward the bottom of the Puffs Plus box aren't soft like the others. Using too many of those will definitely make you Santa reindeer material.

If you close your eyes while the sun shines on your face, you'll smile inside because it feels so awesome.

Tuesday, April 24, 2001

The Road To Home

This is the second most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life.

If you understand who I am, you'll understand that I've always been more concerned about everyone else and not myself. Sometimes that has not been in my best self-interest.

I need to tell you all that I am going to the ocean after all. "What's so difficult about that?" you ask. Be patient, I'm getting to the point. Not terribly difficult. G-pa is coming today to help us pack up our stuff. Mom is going to take me to Florida. This is so important for me, and I am happy to finally be going.

But the trip is happening earlier than I planned. That's the not-so-good part.

This is difficult because I've kept a secret for the past few months, one I can no longer hide. And now that I'm forced into revealing the truth, it's a lot harder than I'd hoped it would be to tell it. This is because I never wanted to hurt anyone. Especially Mom. The most difficult thing I've ever had to do is to tell Mom my secret. Telling you is almost as difficult.

I'm going to the ocean early, because if I don't go now, I won't get another chance. Yes, that means exactly what you think it means. You see, I have this problem with my liver, and it can't be fixed. It's a complication, but i've accepted the challenge with grace. I told Mom this morning. I told Randy right after that. Now all I want to do is see the ocean.

I'm in God's hands now. I am not afraid. I'm sitting here crying, for the road is a new one for me to travel. I know the road leads home, but I have to go alone. There's no turning back, and I need to do this my way, as gracefully as I can. I will always be a warrior, after all, I *did* beat cancer - twice. But my body is tired of fighting.

I'm not going to get to do many of the things I wanted to do, but that doesn't mean my life is incomplete. I'm proud of who I am and the things I have accomplished. I'm proud of Mom for raising me the way she did.

Fighting serious illness for over two years has let me appreciate life in meaningful ways. The sun will always be shining for me, and no matter where I am you'll see me smiling if you take a moment to see it. I never needed the *Pretty Words.* I lived and loved and celebrated life the only way I knew how. I'm still celebrating.

I wish that all of you will too. See all the beauty life has to offer you. And... just love!

When you hear this song, know that it's my sunshine and love that is warming you.

Thursday, April 19, 2001

KCover Girl

Mad Makeover... or Mad KCow Disease?

I finally went to a professional photographer to have a picture made. Well he decided I could use a make-over... go figure.

Anyway the pics turned out so well they used it on the cover of a magazine... Wow! That rocks. I'm so purdy. Utterly divine. *ahem* that's divine - not bovine! /poke

Je suis devenu francais au gout apre un durant la nuit. Peut-etre je suis juste un bruit au gout apre. Hahaha.

Translation: I have become a French tart overnight. Maybe I'm just a Pop tart.

Gotcha!