September 10, 1981 - May 14, 2001

Thursday, May 17, 2001

I Can See Clearly Now

*kaycee often told me she did not want people to listen to sad songs and be reminded of her. she preferred music that was light, bubbly, happy and uplifting.

one of her favourites was i can see clearly now. listening to it reminds me that she is now living a life of complete joy, happiness and peace. and when the sun comes up, it's her light shining down on us. ~ bwg*

I can see clearly now the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way,
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiney day.
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiney day.

I think I can make it now the pain is gone,
And all of the bad feelings have disappeared,
Here is the rainbow I've been praying for.
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiney day.

Look all around, nothing but blue skies.
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue skies.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiney day.
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiney day.
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiney day.

*suggestions have been made that a foundation or a scholarship be set up in kaycee's name.

that is against kaycee's wishes. she preferred that her name not be attached to anything of that nature. she was humble, and she did not want that kind of attention.

it is alright to make donations to cancer societies in her name, if you are moved to do so. the best thing you can do in her honour is to help someone else. give of your time or money. take the sunshine and love she gave us and spread it around.

i believe that would make her happy. ~bwg*

*many people have asked questions that i wish to address now.

1. out of respect for the family, i will not be going into detail about the circumstances of kaycee's passing. i can tell you it was not the cancer. she had beaten it, as we knew she would. and while her liver was slowly giving out, that was not the cause.

there was a ruptured vein, and nothing could be done to stop it. kaycee did not suffer. it was her wish to go quickly when the time came. debbie was with her throughout, as she always has been.

2. the memorial service for kaycee has already taken place. it was private, just for her family. another service for her friends that she knew in oklahoma and kansas, and through her many activities, is scheduled to take place very soon.

kaycee's wish was that everything would be handled swiftly when the time came. debbie's sister has shouldered these responsibilities.

3. kaycee's wish was that her body be cremated, and her ashes be scattered either at the ocean or atop a mountain. she will get her wish.

4. there has been a great outpouring of love, prayers, and remembrance around the web, in many blogs, forums, and boards. rest assured debbie sees them. your words help to comfort her. she is deeply touched and very grateful in reading the depth of feeling you have for kaycee.

5. kaycee's site will be maintained. both debbie and i feel that her words will continue to change lives and brighten the days for many people.

debbie's site will stay as well. she will write when she feels ready, and not before.

thank you for your concern and care, and most of all, your love. ~bwg*

help someone

i have spoken with debbie regarding your many requests of where to send condolences.

please note that the old post office address in newton, kansas, has not been in use for quite some time. it has been closed. please do not send mail there.

knowing kaycee's thoughts about this, she has asked me to suggest that lieu of cards and flowers, use the money to help someone else. kaycee knew that a few dollars could feed someone, or give them shelter, or be of use in any number of ways.

kaycee's life was always about giving of herself to help people. giving to help someone else is the best way you can honour her.

in this way, the light that is kaycee will continue to shine brightly through all of us. ~bwg

Wednesday, May 16, 2001

One Little Angel Tear

One little angel tear slipped gently down to earth,
filled with so much love, no price could count its worth
The tear was like a raindrop, falling from the sky,
landing on a mother's cheek, who was trying hard not to cry.
The mother gazed toward the Heavenly clouds, above her on that day
She knew without a doubt, her child had safely found their way.
A tiny heart of gold had been traded for golden wings
and though the pain was intense the mother trusted God to heal all things.

One little angel peering down from Heaven,
blew a little angel kiss as God sat watching from His throne
He knew the gift would start to mend, the heart of a parent left alone.
The kiss arrived in a gentle breeze, a soft caress across the cheek
Sealed with a loving hand, and blessed to heal the weak.

One little angel voice, sang a song of praise,
the sweetest kind of melody, an angelic voice could raise.
A chorus so filled with joy, no mother could dismiss
A message full of harmony, brought on by heavenly bliss.

One little angel tear glistened and sparkled like a star,
placed on a velvet twilight, to be admired from afar.
Every day and night a reminder came from up above
to all the special ones below, this angel sent its love.

One little angel had been lovingly received
and with this, God rejoiced, for he was very pleased.
Hearts will mend, in time, the signs are everywhere
Feel the tear... the ray of sun a smile brings...
Embrace the hug... and hear the songs the angels sing...
Feel the kiss upon the cheek... and see the star's true light...
For God has turned the angels loose, to bestow His love, through day and night.
~ Kaycee Nicole

Monday, May 14, 2001

Top Of The World

I woke up to hear the birds singing.

I laid there just listening to all the sounds surrounding me. Someone mowing a lawn. The wind rustling the leaves. A car driving by. A dog barking playfully. Laughter coming from the kitchen. The clinking of coffee cups. The spray of the water in the shower.

I felt really happy. Everytime my grandma has a gathering for Mother's Day her house gets crowded. Everyone knows it'll be a day filled with love, laughter, and fun. Course when you put my grandma, my mom, and a few of my aunts together you never know what'll be said. It's always been a lot of fun just taking it all in.

There was badminton and volleyball. There was the smell of BBQ. There were giggling cousins and a few kicking cousins. There was water balloon throwing and squirt gun wars. There were games of dominos. Mostly there was just a lot of happiness all around me.

I sat on my grandma's glider wishing I could get out with everyone and play along. But I wasn't ever alone. Someone was always there beside me making me smile or catching me up on their life.

Toward evening my uncle sat down next to me. He's 10 years older than me and he's been more like a brother than an uncle. He used to babysit me sometimes and we'd have an awesome time. I always knew when he had kids he'd be a teriffic dad.

I remember telling him once I was going to marry someone just like him. Strong, caring, loving, funny. He's over 6 feet tall with gorgeous blue eyes that sparkle with mischief. He's the best.

I felt pretty honored when he named his first daughter Nicole. He told me she was an extention of his love for me. I think we both cried. The funny thing is Nicole is a lot like me - ummm... stubborn, carefree, a little butterfly flitting around taking it all in.

My uncle asked me if I felt up to taking a walk. I didn't but I couldn't help saying yes. There's a hill near my grandma's house and he used to take me up there all the time to chase me around, or look over the horizon.

About halfway up I sat down and told him I couldn't make it. I told him I'd wait for him. He refused to leave me. We'd planned to watch the sunset. I didn't want him to miss it because of me. He tilted his head and said, "Looks like I'm going to have to do what I did when you were little." He hunched down to give me a piggy back ride. "Come on... we can do it together."

It was like I was 5 years old again. My uncle sang Top of the World as he finished the climb. Just like he did all those other times. At the top he held my hand and we watched this beautiful panorama of color spread out before us.

I made some wishes as I stood there. I hope every one of them comes true.

I'm on the top of the world looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find is the love that I've found has put me at the top of the world...

Sunday, May 13, 2001

Unearthing Some Treasures

Sometimes we misjudge people. Sometimes we find answers to questions we never asked but wondered about for a while. Sometimes things just happen and we're left a little awed by them. That's what happened to me.

I went to my dad's family reunion thinking it wouldn't matter, but it did matter, it mattered to me. I walked away feeling satisfied with my reasons and even though not all of it was very good, the parts that were were awesome.

I could tell Mom and my sister were a little on their guard. So was I. But not in a way that anyone else would notice. They hadn't wanted to come. I knew that, but for myself I wanted (my sister especially) to see that no matter what they said or did to me, I'd always be able to hold my head up because I was proud of how I'd turned out.

The ironic part is they've always loved Mom. She's never treated anyone in my dad's family bad. They didn't always use the best judgement and they didn't always treat her respectfully, but she never slammed the door in their faces. She was the one who tried to make the effort.

When we first arrived two of my dad's aunts came out and met us at the car. They just sort of grabbed us and held on. My grandpa was inside already, but my dad hadn't got there yet.

The first thing I felt when I entered the house was lingering silence - that strain that fills a room when people are trying to figure out what to say. I made my way around the room hugging everyone and then a burst of chatter erupted. I dragged my sister along and kept her close to me by holding her hand.

It wasn't long before my grandpa started in on Mom, me and my sister: "Have you gained weight? You look fat. Where the hell's your dad? You run him off? Women are good at nagging a man to death. Any guys got you knocked up yet?"

Then he made a racial comment and the room went deadly quiet. My little brother jumped up and said, "Get a clue grandpa, you aren't funny. You need to just shut your freakin mouth..." Then he rushed out the front door. Mom, one of my dad's cousins, and one of my great aunts rushed outside after my brother.

My sister slide her hand in mine and I could feel her tension. I kept looking at my grandpa steadily. I never took my eyes off him. I saw something that I'd never seen in him before. Shame. I think it hit him that he'd fell from grace from my brother. And he fell hard.

My brother has always been the apple of his eye, the only one left to carry on the family name. I'm not saying he was ashamed at what he said, only that my brother was totally disgusted with him. Kind of sad really.

We all left my grandpa sitting there and went outside. He deserved his own miserable company for awhile.

The next few hours were probably the best. I had two awesome little cousins fighting for a position on my lap. Kids are the best because they just say things that melt your heart.

Once the barriers were down the honesty came into focus. Dealing with them is much better than letting them pile up adding misinformed assumptions to them. I was glad to set the record straight.

My dad's side of the family has seen a lot of losses to Cancer and its side effects. They thought I blamed them. They were wrong. I don't blame anyone. I guess the worst part for them is knowing they let precious time go by because of how they thought I'd look at them. They're my family and I love them.

My dad's cousin said, "Kaycee why didn't you tell us all to go to hell? We deserved it, we didn't handle things the right way, but you never gave up on any of us." Nope, I never did. They just didn't know me as well.

They formed most of their opinions on news relayed to them through my grandpa. And well, I don't think I need to imagine all that he came up with. He was only proud and bragged about my sports abilities, my honors, my successes. He never took the time to relate to me as a person because I was a girl. His comment would always be: you should have been a boy.

Maybe he'd have loved me more if I'd have been a boy. Or respected me more. Or felt I was more worthy in some way.

But I'm not a boy, I'm a girl. And I wouldn't change that for anything - not even for his respect and love. I didn't accomplish what I did in my life because of my name, or a gender, or recognition. I did it for me.

I'm satisfied knowing that.

Saturday, May 12, 2001

My G-Pa Rocks

I haven't told any jokes lately because honestly I haven't really heard any good ones.

But my g-pa (have I mentioned lately how much I love him? well I do) hugged me really tight and whispered, "Kaycee I've got a good joke for you. I think you could use one." Well he was right, I needed for him to make me laugh. And he did. ;-)

Three mothers were talking about their daughters. The brunette's mother said, "I was going through my daughter's things and I found a pack of cigarettes. I didn't know she smoked."

The redhead's mother said, "Well I was going through my daughter's things and found a flask. I didn't know she drank."

The Blonde's mother said, "That's nothing! I was going through my daughter's things and found some condoms. I didn't know she had a penis."

Hmmm... I think I'd better say no comment and move along. ;-) Haha...

Friday, May 11, 2001

Heard It Through The Grapevine

We passed a winery sign on the road and right away I said, "Hey..."

It scared Mom so bad she swerved a little. Oopsy ;-) She pulled over almost right away thinking I was going to be sick or something. I was laughing so hard I couldn't finish telling her what I'd started to begin with.

I finally told her I wanted her to stop at the winery. She lifted her eyebrow at me. I could almost hear the lecture she was about to give me - you know:

1. People with liver troubles shouldn't drink.
   
2. Kaycee, you're underage.
   
3. Getting drunk won't solve anything... yada yada.

Thursday, May 10, 2001

Homeward Bound

Homeward bound
I wish I was homeward bound
Home, where my thought's escaping
Home, where my music's playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me

Tonight I'll sing my songs again
I'll play the game and pretend
But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony
I need someone to comfort me

I told Mom part of me doesn't want to go home. That part of me that doesn't want to go home wishes it didn't know what it knows. It's not the kind of knowledge I set out to discover. It's not really the kind I want to know.

Laying in the backseat I kept watching the blue skies and clouds above me. Funny how they always look like they're going the opposite direction as I am.

Wait... I want to go with you. Seems easier to just float away with them than going home and having everyone hovering over me. I don't like that thought. Everyone waiting for the final moment. I try not to think about it, but it just keeps invading my head. With all my heart, that is not what I want.

I let myself twist and turn through those dark back alleys long enough to hear my conscience tell me it's useless to think that way.

I'll get home in time to see my little brother compete in his last track meet. I'll get home in time to celebrate Mother's day at Grandma's house. I'll get home in time to watch my uncle try to beat my aunts at badminton. I'll get home in time to watch my brother graduate from Jr. High School. I'll get home in time to watch the peonies bloom, and all traces of winter disappear.

I'm ready to be home. No matter what thoughts trickle in I'll do my best not to take away the magic of everything beautiful. I feel it but sometimes it's hard to express it.

Lord forgive my weakness.