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° a diary of survival ° |
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Thursday, August 10, 2000
I am off to Baltimore for a week to see a team of oncologists.
With any luck, I'll get my hands on a computer and keep you
posted on what is happening.
8/10/2000 03:34:07 PM |
° i am the warrior °
I am amazed at
this.
8/10/2000 03:33:40 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Pretty Words
When I was first diagnosed with Leukemia I remember having many conversations with my mom. We spent a lot of time sharing laughter, tears, hugs, and silence. I had many fears I didn’t share with her at that time. I would look at my mom and memorize every detail of her face so when I closed my eyes I could visualize her serene smile, and the dancing hazel eyes. I could feel her embrace…all of the love she had invested in me since before I was even born.
I remember telling her once how tired I was of some people saying one thing to me then their actions clearly displayed they hadn’t meant any of it. The kind of people who would stab you in the back the first chance they got without a second glance or even a care as to how it left you feeling. I told her, "I want the truth, even if it has the ability to hurt me.” Mom’s reply was… *Pretty Words*.
I stared at her in bewilderment. Pretty Words? I thought that was an odd comment. She gave me one of her famous 'mom' smiles at my confusion. It’s human nature to give someone a boost by using Pretty Words. She said, sometimes we need them, sometimes we don’t. Now it’s a familiar expression we share between us.
The other day during a Chemo treatment one of the Lab Technicians came by to draw blood. He pulled out a syringe and said, “Now sweetie, this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.” Mom and I laughed and said at the same time 'Pretty words'. Well that’s a mild example, but I think you see what I’m trying to say here.
When it comes to the seriousness of the Cancer and all that surrounds it I don’t need anyone to pity me with *Pretty Words*. I say simply: Love me for who I continue to be. I feel guilty sometimes thinking I’m a burden because of my weak moments. I know it’s not true but these are irrational times emotionally for me. At times, I also feel unworthy of being loved. Why? Not because I think I’m a bad person or that I’ve done anything wrong, it’s because I’m so afraid of hurting those who make my life so incredibly wonderful. DUH!! I can be a putz sometimes.
I’m leaving tomorrow for DC. This is a new journey into my fight for survival. I’m excited, but I’m also scared a little. I have the greatest faith that will see me through whatever is on the horizon. I have the strength, stubbornness and confidence it takes to claim Victory.
Challenges have filled my life. I am the Warrior…
8/10/2000 10:34:52 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, August 09, 2000
I bet you're wondering what's all this about? Well, it's about life and love and finding the golden road. Mostly it's about me... Simply KC. I'm a normal person who happens to be dealing with Cancer. I certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone. For over a year now I have been riding out the waves of life. Maybe I'm crazy. Nah. I hope you'll discover this whole new magical world. A world filled with highs and lows and laughter and love. It's my world, so welcome.
I just came off several days of darkness. It wasn't a pretty sight. I swear I spent more time crying then anything else. I felt weak and vulnerable. I wasn't even sure I wanted anyone to help me. I knew I needed to pull myself back up but I realised I couldn't do it alone. I had to have help. And to be honest I was afraid to ask. I've always been the strong one, the stubborn one, so asking seemed to symbolise weakness. Boy was I wrong. Old habits are hard to break but I'm trying.
I'm beginning a new exciting journey. It's a journey into my survival. I want to win! I'll fight to the finish! This is my destiny. This is my life. These are my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my sorrows, my passion. These are my Living Colours.
So SMILE! I'm sending you some sunshine. Did your room just light up? *wink*
8/9/2000 04:23:21 PM |
° i am the warrior °
The destination of each person lies within themselves. Many will never take the time to search. Some will simply imitate what they see others doing. A few set out to destroy themselves and whomever else gets in their way. I believe there is the good. I believe there is the bad. And everything else falls in the middle to balance it out.
I have never set out to change anyone, although I’ve had many people try to change me. I soon discovered I didn’t want to be changed. I will always be uniquely me.
A year ago my outlook on life was slightly different then it is today. It is amazing how quickly circumstances can change, but what matters most is how we deal with these changes. I’m a normal person who has hopes and dreams of love, living, and passion. I have had some of the best teachers throughout my life. To me they are the most special people in the world. What makes them outstanding is not a scholarly piece of paper, or the type of title they hold. They have managed to seep into my heart and awaken me to all the things life has to offer by sharing a portion of themselves with me.
8/9/2000 06:01:06 AM |
° i am the warrior °
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