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Saturday, August 19, 2000This evening when we
returned from dinner my uncle found a small package on his
door step. It was wrapped in simple newspaper with a note
attached to it that read: To the Mother of Kaycee,
Wishing you many years of happiness with your daughter. Happy
Birthday. It was signed: someone who
noticed.
Inside the box was a 14k gold cross
necklace with diamonds and her birthstone. My mom burst into
tears then hugged each of us. None of us were responsible for
it. It remains a huge mystery. So, to the person who sent it,
if you are reading this...
{{{{BIG
HUG}}}}
Thank You for your words, and for giving
my mom such a beautiful gift. See? Life is totally mysterious
and awesome.
8/19/2000 09:58:59 PM | °
i am the warrior °
Freedom is Not Free
This
morning I played tourist in Washington, D.C. I've been here
before but it's been several years. They have added a lot of
new things to see. I've always loved the historic aura that
surrounds this area. There was something that captured my
attention and kept me captivated. It was the Korean War
Memorial.
![korean war memorial]() There are several reasons
this particular Memorial held my attention. As I walked toward
it, suddenly I saw these statuesque men lined up, and at first
I got an eerie feeling. But as I got closer, I had a feeling
of being watched over, protected. It was all very odd. I
walked slowly along the sidewalk, peering at the faces on each
statue. I wondered who's brother, son, uncle, grandfather,
husband, or Dad I was gazing at. I watched my grandma wipe
tears away, knowing her thoughts were on the brother she lost
in that war. I listened to the reverent silence that
surrounded the site, just as it was at all the other
memorials.
Etched in black marble were the words
Freedom is not Free.
How true that is in all of
our lives? We all, in our own special way, have fought for
personal freedom in some form or another. I fight for freedom
from Cancer, it's a life or death battle for many others as
well, so I'm not unique in that area by any means. We are all
alike; we all want freedom from something. I realise in the
entire process that some will lose their lives. It is never in
vain though. Somewhere, sometime down the road what we
experienced will benefit someone else in perhaps a large way
or a small way. It doesn't matter the size of the
contribution. What's important is that someone learned
something from it.
We are all heroes, we are all an
inspiration, and we all make a difference to someone at some
point in our life. So, freedom is NOT free, and I plan
on continuing the fight until I claim my victory. Victory is
not always winning. Victory can also be what is learned from
the experience. So, in some ways I have already been
victorious in my fight.
8/19/2000 01:05:45 PM |
°
i am the warrior °
Check out this pic... I
love it!
Jim Parisi sent it to me. I don't know him but
I thought it was awesome! Thank you,
Jim!
8/19/2000 12:27:39 PM | °
i am the warrior °
Friday, August 18, 2000Christmas in
August
Ack!!!! I’m soooo overwhelmed! WOW! My
Grandparents came into my hospital room with their arms loaded
with massive amounts of gifts that have arrived at my home
back in Kansas. I definitely have some of the kewlist
friends. There are angels of every shape and size, kute
teddybears, handwritten notes from some of my former
basketball teammates, cards and letters from friends and loved
ones.
My awesome friend Randy (BWG) sent me some
much needed natural vitamins, which I already started on this
morning.(hugs for him) I also received a baseball cap from my
friend Tim in Canada. It says “KCanada” Is that not just the
kewlest thing or what!!! There was also a big box of goodies
from my sweet and sexy Styn brothers, Jim and John. It was
loaded with pics, CDs, T-shirts, caps, personal notes AND the
most awesome multicolored Court Jester hat. I will definitely
be wearing those caps and hats proudly.
The doctors
have put me back on Chemo for now. And my hair is falling out
everyday from the previous Chemo/radiation I took before
coming here. The news I continue to get isn’t good. But there
is always hope on the horizon. I feel the positive energy of
all the prayers, and thoughts being sent my way. It helps keep
my smile shining through all the cloudy days. Are you smiling?
If not, I’m sending you some major
SUNSHINE!!!!
I will have access to a computer a little
more in the days to come. I get to leave here for the weekend
and I’ll be going to my uncle’s house to visit. I have to say
that my family is the best. I know my mom’s birthday was
yesterday but we’ll have a belated family celebration with
lots of love flowing.
Crank up the music baby... KC is
hitting Washington DC. I’m going to be JAMMIN!!!
Follow
that rainbow... I’ll be waiting for you on the other side. * w
* Ciao!
8/18/2000 09:14:20 AM | °
i am the warrior °
Thursday, August 17, 2000Big Girls DO
Cry
Today was an awesome day, and yet it was a
strange day too. My mom's 40th birthday was today (Thursday).
Happy Birthday Mom. I love you.
Yet here I was crying
again. Why? Well maybe because mom is trying to give me the
gift of life on her birthday. Maybe because I'm missing some
special friends. Maybe because I feel alone in a crowd. Maybe
because I saw an awesome rainbow. Maybe because I want to be
somewhere else getting on with my life. Maybe because I'm
scared of what the tests will say. Maybe because I feel
forgotten by someone who once shared special feelings with me.
Maybe because my friends are embarking on their new lives and
I'm still in limbo. Maybe because my Grandma and Grandpa flew
in to surprise us, and he held me and let me cry and I was
wishing it was my dad. Maybe I don't even have a reason for
crying.
Big girls do cry. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm
scared. There are so many things wrong and yet, here, today,
my mom spends her birthday going through painful tests in
hopes of being able to help me get better. How humble does
that make me feel? So humble the tears are a symbol of my
pain, my respect, my love. I don't think anyone can show you
love more then my mom is doing. Do I love her for what she is
doing for me? I don't think I need to answer that
question.
My Calming Balcony is beginning to
hold some bittersweet memories.
8/17/2000
07:23:38 PM | °
i am the warrior °
Wednesday, August 16, 2000Time
Warp
Someone asked me today if I could go into a
time warp what I would do? Where would I go? Actually, I'm not
sure. Do you go backward and try to change or improve on life?
Or do you go forward and discover what the future has for you?
And I wondered if I'd want to greet old friends or embrace new
ones.
It's an interesting question. I don't think I'd
be happy just saying here is where I'd stay. I like
freedom. I like adventure. I like the challenge of new goals.
Maybe I'd go forward and come back with the cure for
everything... hmm. But if I did, would that change the course
of history? I think so... and why mess up an awesome
thing?
Are you smiling? You should
be.
8/16/2000 01:42:38 AM | °
i am the warrior °
Tuesday, August 15, 2000Living in a
Bubble
It's only Tuesday and I want to go... I want
to leave. I could almost walk out the front doors without a
backward glance.
I'm tired of all the tests. I'm tired
of the hmmmms. I'm tired of being looked at like a lab
rat. I'm tired of being poked, punctured and asked a million
questions I don't know the answers to.
I know I'm tired
and grouchy. I know I hurt from head to toe. I know my
thoughts are confused, jumbled... I even feel crazy at
times.
So I found this spot... I call it the Calming
Balcony. I went there and watched the moon last night. As
I gazed at the silvery glow I wondered if any of my friends
were watching it right then also. I wondered what their
thoughts were. I wondered what it looked like from their view?
This morning the nurses found me here, on my Calming Balcony.
I was watching the sun come up.
They asked me what I
was doing. I told them I was observing life. In this area
people get up early, rush to their cars, eat while driving to
work, sit in traffic jams, and then finally get to their jobs.
They work hard all day, then turn around and do it all again
to get home. What do a lot of them see? Are they enjoying a
life of just going through the motions? Are they happy? Is
money the only thing that motivates them?
I stand here
dreaming of my chance. I'm living in a bubble, surrounded by
many things that keep me from doing as I please. I don't want
to think of how unfair it seems, but I do. I need to focus,
but i can't. I see it all from living in this bubble. I
see the good, the bad, the pain, the smiles, the
uncertainty.
8/15/2000 01:09:18 PM | °
i am the warrior °
Monday, August 14, 2000Arrived safely at my uncle's.
It was tough having honest conversations about areas of life
and death. How do you not see someone for two years then face
them with all the what if's in life? How do you tell
them everything you want them to know in a short time just in
case it is the last? The tears are
bitter.
8/14/2000 11:53:18 PM | °
i am the warrior °
Sunday, August 13, 2000A Time for
Everything
A time to learn, a time to teach
A
time to grasp, a time to reach
A time to listen, a time to
talk
A time to run, a time to walk.
A time to work,
a time to rest
A time to spend, a time to invest
A time
to laugh, a time to cry
A time to answer, A time to ask,
"What for & Why?"
A time for peace, a time for
descention
A time for solitude, a time for
attention.
A time to go, a time to stay
A time to
give freely, a time to pay
A time to gather, a time to
depart
A time to end, a time to start
A time to be born,
a time to die
A time to give up, a time to try
A time to
nurture, a time to scold
A time to be young, a time to be
old
A time to be strong, a time to be weak
A time to
hide, a time to seek.
There is a time for
everything
we cannot take, without equal giving
We
cannot perceive, without the reality of living.
~ kaycee nicole
8/13/2000
02:16:36 AM | °
i am the warrior °
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