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° a diary of survival ° |
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living colours ° |
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Saturday, August 26, 2000
Holy Moly Batman…
Wooo-hoo! Thank you to the great people at Pyra (Blogger) for their kind words, and for featuring . : living colours : . as Blog of the Week. Their website just ROCKS. But we knew that already, didn't we? Also, if it wasn’t for Randy (bwg) I wouldn’t have a nice home to blog soooo... {{{{Hugs}}}} to him!!! He rocks!!!
All I have to say is Wow, life is too awesome. My mom mentioned two surprises. I’ll let you read her entry for today about the one concerning her. She didn’t mention the other one so I guess I won’t keep you in to much suspense. A bunch of my friends, their families, and members of the community had a welcome home BBQ for me. This in itself was awesome enough, but they shocked me when they presented me some money they had gathered up to offset my upcoming medical expenses. ACK! ACK!! *sigh*
It’s too much, I’m having a really hard time accepting it. I love them all for supporting me, for showing their love and concern but I don’t need the money. It seems there would be better uses for it. I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong. I’m so humbled. You can’t even imagine how much. I have such a hard time being a taker because I’m so used to giving. Ack! I’m going to cry.
The things I want from life are so simple. I want to spread the joy of happiness, because I feel it so deeply. Yikes, I wish I knew why that means so much to me. I’ve tried to figure it out. The only thing I could come up with is that I’ve been surrounded and embraced by it and I want others to know it too.
8/26/2000 12:59:35 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, August 25, 2000
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
I took one final look at myself then I raised the dreaded weapon to my head. I bit my lip in indecision, pondering all the reasons I should do this... I closed my eyes listening to the humming noise. My hand was shaking slightly... it is done.
Okay, I ended my misery. I finally shaved my head. My hair is gone. ACK!! What have I done? Ahhh, not to worry. It’s kewl. I knew it was coming so it’s not too much of a shock. I actually looked worse with all the blotchy, bare sections. Bald is beee-U-T-iful. It really is. It’s funny because when I was first told about being out of remission the thought that jumped into my head was, “I’m not taking Chemo, I don’t want to lose my hair again.” Pretty silly huh? For a woman it’s pretty traumatic to go through this. I don’t know why we feel so attached to our hair but we do.
Vanity can be a terrible thing. The first time I went through this I shed a few tears over how ugly I felt. I worried more about what everyone else would think than my own personal feeling on it. I told myself people were going to think what they wanted to anyway so I needed to concentrate on my own self-confidence. I won’t say it was easy at first. People who didn’t know me stared, frowned, pointed fingers, laughed, and sneered. I suppose some viewed me as a radical, go-against-society, misfit teenager who needed psychological help. I held my head up and kept a smile on my face. It was easy to do because I was confident with who I was.
For many years I’d been told I should consider a career in modeling. I even had professional photographers trying to convince me how perfect I’d be. I felt flattered but modeling just isn’t what I was all about. I wanted others to see me as the whole person I was rather than a cute face and nice figure. It was a battle to get some people not to dissect me into categories. I am intelligent, athletic, compassionate, funny, motivated and definitely mischievous, and I happen to be a nice person.
Beauty is a state of mind
That can’t be seen or touched
It lives within the beating heart
And often times gets crushed.
I wrote that little poem because that’s how I felt. The true beauty of anyone lies within their heart. If we take the time to find it in others we will. If not, all we will see is how they physically look to the world. And a person's smile has the ability to light up the darkest night. So with that in mind... are you smiling? I insist.
I see your beauty. Let it shine.
8/25/2000 10:14:25 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, August 24, 2000
Is My Hair On Straight?
Ack!!! I did something last night that I haven’t done in a long time. I went on a date. Hmm... maybe date is the wrong word. I went on a friendly outing. Bet you’re wondering what’s so special about going out. Nothing really, but if you consider I haven’t been on a one-on-one date in a year and a half, then this becomes an amazing fact. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to date, but I've preferred going out in groups rather than exclusively alone with an individual. For me it was just a matter of less hassles. In the past, guys I’ve had relationships with for some reason wanted to be possessive or try to change me. Plus I was always busy with sports, studies, or just a variety of other things.
When Tanner asked me out I thought he was joking. I mean come on, I’m in the hospital, not looking the greatest, and dealing with many things. He’d seen me go from crying to laughing. Not exactly a normal situation to have thoughts of being asked out. But he was persistent. Not in a pushy way, but in a caring way. At first, my immediate thought was to tell him thank you but I don’t think so. For some reason I didn’t give him any type of reply. The next day he asked me again but he left my room before I could answer.
I thought he was crazy. I’m losing my hair, I’ve lost weight. Ugh... my vanity was suffering. I kept trying to analyze why this good looking guy would even want to be seen anywhere with me. Well of course I know my personality is pretty decent. I’ve always liked having fun. But I have to be realistic, first impressions are usually based on looks. Ack! I actually said that, didn’t I? Shame on me, but it is true. We always see something in someone physically that attracts us to them. I notice eyes and smiles first.
Tanner’s initial request was to have dinner in the cafeteria with him. I laughed picturing myself trying to hold my hospital gown together as I made my way down the food line and maybe mooning the brave souls who were eating there. Then suddenly I thought, "What the hell, it couldn’t hurt to accept his offer." When I told him yes, I even surprised myself.
The doctors released me to go out. I think it was a conspiracy. And Mom bought me this cute beret hat to wear so I wouldn't worry about the bad hair days I seem to be having. I didn’t care about it myself, but I didn’t want to embarrass Tanner in any way. D'oh... that was a dumb thought on my part. It comes down to that old saying, “don’t judge a book by its cover.” And Tanner didn’t judge me by anything except how I made him feel. Interested.
I had a great time. The conversation flowed. We laughed at the funny things about life. I felt an equal to this person rather than an object. There was no pressure for anything but enjoying each other's companionship.
I go home today knowing I have another friend. I’m very content with that. Thank you Tanner for opening my eyes to a whole new world.
8/24/2000 11:04:17 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, August 23, 2000
The Ghost of KChristmas Past
Before I get started I’d like to thank Randy (bwg)... he’s just the best!! And I LOVE him mucho. {{Hugs}} You’ll notice a new link on the page, Journey toward the Rainbow. This is a diary my mom started with some prodding from me. I thought it might be an awesome outlet for her, believe me she’s so incredibly strong, and has been one of my greatest teachers/influences. If you get a chance... check it out.
Mom and I talked a lot about the things that have happened in the past 14 months or so. I already know her feelings of anger, and I understand them. I don’t fault her for the emotions she’s going through. Believe me, I’ve felt anger at different times on this roller coaster ride. With everything that I know at this moment I suppose I should be angry too. I’m not sure why I’m not. Sure, it would have been better not to have gone through some of this. The trouble is it won’t do me any good to think about what might have been, what could have been, or what should have been. I’m either incredibly jinxed, or massively blessed. I’d like to think I’m massively blessed, even with all the bad stuff that’s happened.
I’m not even sure how I can say that. I guess because I have discovered so many awesome awesome things along the way. In my original Living Colours paper I wrote the following:
I used to fear death. In a few minutes of suspended time I stared at death and begged for it to take me. To release me from the physical pain I was enduring. There was this peacefulness and warmth above me and I wanted to reach out to it. I was tired and weary of fighting all the evil things that were trying to suck the life out of me. It seemed easier to go to this wonderful place beyond then go back to the tunnel of darkness.
But at the same time I heard my mother’s voice saying my name over and over. It seemed so far away and muffled. The thought of causing her emotional distress made me pause. My thoughts were jumbled. I seemed to be looking down at chaos. Doctors and nurses working frantically on a lifeless body. I realized it was me I was seeing. I knew I had to go back. I also knew it would be a fight to get there, and it would be surrounded by intense pain. The next thing I remember is trying to breathe. Grasping at air as if to pull it into my lungs and my body was encased in anguish.
I actually thought I dreamt the entire thing, but later as I thought about it I knew I hadn’t. I had faced death, and I was no longer afraid of it. I understood it wasn’t the end to life but the beginning of a beautiful spiritual existence. Even though my physical body was recovering from the traumatic events I was filled with a new zest for life. I also knew I had many more things to accomplish.
What are those things? I’m not sure. I viewed the darkness as negative energy. All the obstacles that try to pull us into its grip and cause us to want to give up. If it succeeds to capture its prey it gains more strength and control. So many people have given up and want to let the darkness consume them. What they don’t realize is the destruction it creates. It shadows and hides everything beautiful and breathtaking. It robs, steals, and claims victory with each moment we spend in its presence.
I don’t want the darkness of any situation to hold me in it’s grip any longer then necessary. Why? Because it does rob me of the beauty of Life that I live to see. I won’t allow it to suck the life out of me. I know I have to be stronger than it is. It isn’t easy. Nothing about life is easy, but that’s the challenge that keeps us all fighting for our happiness. And my mom is the one who taught me that. She's right, it isn't the fairest thing in the world, but life goes on.
My mom ROCKS!! She’s fighting this battle right along with me, and so is everyone else who loves me. So expressing the anger is ok. Just don’t let it direct your life; we can’t let it win. The victory is ours, no one else’s.
8/23/2000 11:23:24 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, August 22, 2000
Vision of Dreams
The results are in. My mom is the lucky winner. Well technically I’m the lucky one. The wait is over.
The weirdest thing is today is August 22. I had a dream several weeks ago and maybe this has nothing to do with the news I received today but it might explain the #2. Let me see if I can explain this without sounding totally strange.
The dream went like this. I had the sensation of floating, but yet I knew a presence was holding me. There was a soft warm light surrounding us and I was filled with peacefulness. I could feel the love and warmth all around. The extreme happiness I felt was overwhelming. I somehow sensed this spiritual person was someone of importance. There were no spoken words yet I heard, “I am with you. I am taking care of you. Everything will be okay.”
I saw tears and they glistened like stars and when I saw them I felt a deep sadness within me yet it didn’t take away from the happiness I felt. Then the number two began to circle me. I kept thinking, “I don’t understand, I don’t understand,” and the number 2 would move around me faster. I had no feelings of fear.
I can still see the entire dream as if I just had it. It seems to be a part of me that I draw strength from. Before you start thinking I’m some weird person or something, I’m not. It’s not the first spiritual experience I’ve had but I’m never sure what any of them really mean. I suppose we could all insert our own meaning into them.
Two of these experiences I was awake and ironically on a beach. Both left me filled with an energy, warmth and happiness that I couldn’t explain. I defined it as the total feeling of being loved. I have talked about this with John and I told him it seemed as if these spiritual visions began after I physically died for several minutes last September. That was the day I tackled my fear of death.
Hmmm... no this isn’t the twilight zone. And I don’t have these dreams very often. But today I’m left wondering if the number 2 in my dream had anything to do with today. Guess I won’t know the answer to that question either. Smile…it’s all good.
8/22/2000 09:55:20 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Sit Boo-Boo Sit
Yeeee-ha! I feel good na na na na na nah!! Compared to yesterday I feel fab-U-lous Dahling.
I’ve been making everyone around here suffer with my KC-isms. What that means is I’m being the punster today. I figure I have to get my laughs wherever and whenever I can right now. I can blame my mom; (haha she loves to try to get the best of me when she can she started it.
She came into my room while I had my headphones on and I was jamming to the music so I didn’t hear her. I also had my eyes closed so it was a double whammy. She pushed the *call* button and told the nurses to come check me out that I must really be sick. So one nurse comes, then another, then another until my room has a small crowd congregated inside. I’m oblivious to all this of course.
In the mean time I’m into the music... jammin’ and boppin’. When the chorus comes on I belt out, "Who let the dogs out... who, who, who, who, who."
ACK!! Imagine my surprise when I opened my eyes to find all these people dancing around my room. My mom was laughing so hard I thought she was going to wet her pants. Hmmm... I bet they had some Depends around there somewhere for her. So being the goof she is, she finally says, “Someone better give that howling doggie a bone for breakfast.” Yikes! X-Cuse-E-Moi????? Did my mom just refer to me as a dog! Whoa-ho, that’s a low blow.
I gave her a mischievous smile and said, “Oh, my singing would sound good if you were a malaMUTE.” Okay, it was a poor joke, I admit it - but it sure has been great to laugh again.
Smile, I’m sending you some sunshine. Did your room just light up?
8/22/2000 08:57:30 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, August 21, 2000
Kaycee Goes DIZZney
As my friend John (Halcyon) would say, "I think I fell off the turnip truck." Actually I didn’t, but my body felt like it did this morning. I remember making an entry into my journal but really I had no idea what I said. That was the raw, uncut side of my reality. Nothing about it was pretty. With the help of modern medicine I’m mildly coherent right now. I think I could do a nice Goofy impression... look out Disney here I come.
My mom was most definitely my lifesaver throughout the day. Whenever I could pry my eyes open she was there, holding my hand, rubbing my forehead, just anything to let me know she was here beside me. How’d I get to be so lucky to have her? I’ve been thankful for a long time (I won’t go on in this area or I’ll make myself cry. I think I filled enough rivers lately.
Seems she was busy while I was out of it. But it’s all good. I want to share the poem she wrote while sitting here watching over me. She didn’t give it a title but I think I have one that might fit.
Watching Over You
It was time; I knew
was I ready to receive
so many questions and fears
I worry still
Her tiny fingers grasp mine
This glory is God’s will.
She grows strong each day
The world is her fountain
Laughter is free to explore
The smiles unfold
She carries a new hope
God’s love shines so bold.
Times of trouble she endures
The heartbreak of broken dreams
Head held high as always
Silently she bears
Tears can soothe and strengthen
God listens to each prayer.
Her destiny is already written
In the sands of time
I can not read it
Nor can she
I hold her so close ~
As God is holding me.
8/21/2000 05:59:03 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Sail Away
As I write this, I hate life. I know I’ll change my mind in a very short time but at this moment that’s how I feel. I’m wondering where the strong Kaycee went. I don’t even know myself when the dark clouds try to strangle me. I have to reach deep, deep within myself to survive. I’m tired... I’m tired of all of it.
I woke up at 3 a.m. so sick I barely made it to the bathroom. My entire body was shaking and cold sweat covered me. The pain was so intense I didn’t want to move, but I had no choice. My head hurt so bad it felt like someone was crashing a hammer against my brain. I hate this - having no control over this cruel disease. It consumes my body. It has the ability to even control my thoughts. I fight for the right to pursue my own thinking when things get this bad. Someone tell me what is fair about all of this.
I had a Chemo treatment on Friday, I had another one this morning. Sick or not I have to take them. I’m thinking death would be much better then feeling like this. I hate my weakness at this moment. I hate my tears of frustration. I don’t want anyone to see me, I don’t want anyone to love me. I’d give everything I had right now to have my sunshine back. Where have all the smiles gone?
I can’t apologize for feeling like I am right now. It’ll pass quickly enough. As much as I want to convince those around me I’m strong, I’m not. But I’m not ready to wave the white flag and surrender either. My stubbornness won’t allow it. I am a Warrior. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me...
8/21/2000 09:41:06 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, August 20, 2000
I can relate to this poem that was sent to me by Isaac Petruccelli. I feel it especially now. Thank you, Isaac!
I fight a battle every day,
Against discouragement and fear.
Some foe stands always in my way,
The path ahead is never clear.
I must forever be on guard,
Against the doubts that skulk along.
I get ahead by fighting hard,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong.
I hear the croakings of despair,
The dark predictions of the weak.
I find myself pursued by care,
No matter what the ends I seek.
My victories are small and few,
It matters not how hard I strive.
Each day the fight begins anew,
But fighting keeps my hopes alive.
My dreams are spoiled by circumstance,
My plans are wrecked by fate or luck.
Some hour, perhaps will bring my chance,
But that great hour has never struck.
My progress has been slow and hard,
I've had to climb and crawl and swim.
Fighting for every stubborn yard,
But I have kept in fighting trim.
I have to fight my doubts away,
And be on guard against my fears.
The feeble croaking of dismay,
Has been familiar through the years.
My dearest plans keep going wrong,
Events combine to thwart my will.
But fighting keeps my spirit strong,
And I am undefeated still!
My thoughts and prayers are with you, amiga.
8/20/2000 01:00:05 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Burger King, Ben & Jerry’s and Fishing
My uncle asked me last night if I could pick three things to do on Sunday what would they be? I had to really think about that because there are so many choices. After several minutes of indecision I told him I’d like to go to Burger King for breakfast, then right after that I wanted to hit Ben and Jerry’s for some Rocky Road or Chunky Monkey ice cream. And most of all I wanted to go fishing. Ok, I'm a little strange. But it's all good.
Hi! My name is Kaycee and I’m a Junk Food Junkie. I can admit it. I’ve been really missing all that stuff that isn’t so good for you. I was always lucky enough to be in great physical shape from playing sports so I never had to worry about what I ate. I’ve lost almost 15 pounds in less then a month due to the intense chemo treatments. And leukemia isn’t always kind when it comes to keeping weight on. I always enjoyed being 5’9” (o.k. I won’t get started on the basketball today... I’ll save it for another time) because it has several advantages.
So anyway I told my uncle all this, and this morning he came in and woke me up at 5 a.m.! He pulled on my big toe and whispered, “Kaycee, quit wrestling with the covers and get dressed. Hurry up.” At that hour I was a KCat who was just trying to keep her eyes open, so thinking was pretty well out of the picture. In a short time I found myself in his jeep. The top was off and the cool morning air rushed around us. By then I was fully awake, and I took in all the awesome colors that were coming alive as the sun rose. I thought, “Wow!! I’m so lucky to be seeing all this.”
Our first stop was the drive-thru at Burger King. I think it took awhile because I was arguing that Milkshakes are not considered breakfast food. He just gave me a big grin. Then he drove to this breathtaking place on the Potomac. He unloaded his jeep and I followed him to where ever he was headed. It was the mischievous leading the dumbfounded. He knew where he was going. On the bank he spread out a blanket and we stretched out to eat our breakfast and watched the ducks float across the water. It was so kewl because the ducks reminded me of miniature paddleboats gliding over liquid silver.
He had this big wicker picnic basket he brought along, and after we were done with the Burger King goodies he did a magician routine, waving his hands comically around the basket. *Poof* He pulled out two small containers of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Rocky Road and Chunky Monkey. Woo-hoo! I was definitely smiling. My uncle is the kewlest and I love him to death. I realized how much I’ve missed his presence in my life. He grabbed the fishing poles and we raced down to the river to fish and watch
the sun finish rising.
Highlight of the Fishing Trip: My uncle laid his pole down to bait another pole, when a fish dragged his pole into the water. He pounced in to save the rod and reel. Hmmm... it was deeper than he thought and he went under. He came up sputtering. Like a Viking conqueror he held his hand up with the fishing pole in it and said, “Ah-ha those little fishies will not get my best rod and reel. But they did make off with my favorite spinner, those dirty varmints.”
We had a great time. And so how is your day going? Smile already!!!
8/20/2000 09:51:02 AM |
° i am the warrior °
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