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° a diary of survival ° |
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Saturday, September 16, 2000
A Worldly Family
I wonder what the word Family means to many people? Is it just what they were “born into”? Do they feel “obligated” to share love with members of the family because that’s just what’s expected of them?
I’ve never felt like that. I wasn’t raised to turn my back on others. I have a hard time understanding why some people never reach out to assist anyone else. As I grew up it was normal to see my parents helping other people. Friends, members of the community and strangers. Mom would go to the grocery store, buy food and then take it to families who were having trouble. My dad would buy sports equipment and give it to kids so they would be able to participate.
I even remember once on a really cold night my dad found this homeless person huddled in front of a store entry. He took him to a hotel, got him a room for the night and even went to McDonalds, bought food and hot coffee. He knocked on the door, set the food in front of the door and left. I felt really bad for that person. It didn’t seem like anyone else really cared, but what got me the most was... he was so thankful. And he never asked for anything extra because he had his pride, even if he had nothing else. My dad just smiled at his thank you's and said, “Hey, you can pay me back another day.”
I remember feeling so proud because everyone would tell me, “Kaycee, you have the best parents.” When I was young I never understood that too much. I mean Mom was Mom, Dad was Dad. I suppose that’s why I’m such a people person. Maybe that’s even why I’m always adding new brothers and sisters to my family.
It’s that way in our real life but it’s also like that over the cyberwaves. We have met some of the greatest people and become like this huge, spread out family. It doesn’t sound strange to me. I mean there’s no rule that says, "Hey, you can only love this little individual group of people." I don’t care where you live, what you look like, what you do for a living. All I care about is you, the individual. I’m a believer in family and the vision of unity within community.
What got me to thinking about all of this was someone I just met. Every time she came in I’d talk to her, but she really didn’t say too much in return. Then this morning she told me I made her feel accepted. Accepted? I asked her what she meant. She said because I talked to her. Huh? Why wouldn’t I talk to her? She went on to say not too many people did because of several things. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. D'oh!
I don’t have any hang ups like that. I told her those things never mattered to me, and if it did to anyone else then they were the ones missing out. I guess to change the course of history we all have to start with ourselves. It seems some people just haven’t got the big picture yet. I feel rather sorry for them.
Hey, in the meantime, I made a new friend. Life is awesome.
9/16/2000 01:09:30 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Laughter Is The Best Medicine
I got an e-mail from my friend Hannah yesterday. It reminded me of when we were in Journalism class together. Every morning we'd tell each other a joke. It got to the point that the teacher and class expected their daily laughs from the two of us. Hannah always seemed to find jokes about Blondes, rednecks and Genies. Haha... it was her way of teasing me. All in good fun.
Just like always she included a joke. Thanks Hannah for making me laugh. Love ya girl!
Two Irishmen were in a lifeboat after their craft sank in a storm. After hours of floating aimlessly, one spotted an old lamp in the boat. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie appeared. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke, "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
9/16/2000 09:39:26 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, September 15, 2000
Scooooooby Dooooo Be Do! Woo-hoo!
Yeee-ha! I gained 5 pounds! And my fever is down to 100.8! *flexes muscle* HaHa! Okay, maybe I can't sing, I'm Popeye the Sailor Man just yet but I'm working on it!
Well, I spent yesterday in meditation and fasting. Yikes! Mom was ready to /pounce me for not eating but I was cleansing my body and soul. Now I'm ready to say, "Bring it on!!"
I feel totally bursting with energy. I can feel it radiating all around me! Hey hey, are you smiling? You'd better be /pounce ;-) (Randy don't you dare cut out my winking smiley) haha... it's a very special smiley. Pourquoi est-ce que c'est? (Why is that?) Puisque je dis ainsi mon amour. (Because I say so, my love.) /wink /wink
It actually feels good to be goofy. Ummm, no, the fever didn't fry my brain. Come on, admit it, vous savez que vous m'aimez, (you know you love me.) Okay, I'll quit but only for the moment. I am smiling though.
I don't know why I feel so energized. Ahhh, but of course dahling, it's Friday. I say, "If elected President - everyday will be Friday!" Woo-hoo! Vote for me, KC. That's right my fellow sunshiners, I'm a poet and didn't know it!
I'm behind in my e-mail. Mom left a stack of it and said, "Have fun." She also said I have a few surprises I'm going to just love. Grrr... she likes to tease me like that. You know it just isn't fair that I have to wait. She did give me one hint though. She said my friends Ron and Christine sent me something totally kewl! Hmmm... Ron, did you wrap up that HTTP ME 2 license plate? Well I guess I'll have to wait and see. *Hugs* to you both.
The nurses told me I was squirming around too much. I told them this wasn't squirming. I just invented Bed-Aerobics and I'm showing off some of the moves. Ha! Can't stop this!
9/15/2000 08:21:24 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, September 14, 2000
A Moment Of His Grace
I took a journey into my thoughts
Imagined what they'd be
Then I heard His voice, whispering to me.
What do you fear, my child
What are these tears that fall?
I hear my name each time you call.
I hold you in your sorrow
I embrace you in your fear
In this time of struggle, I am always near.
I dare not to ask the questions
I'd rather gaze upon His face
I feel surrounded by His majestic grace.
Do you feel the angels standing by your side
Swords at the ready to protect both day and night
Shining in the glory of My unwavering light?
What did you see in all the rainbows
Each one circled you with love
The promise I send you from above?
Stay strong, My little warrior
The journey will be a fight
Be bold against your plight.
He gave me a moment of His grace
Held me in his mighty hand
I'm no longer alone... beside me He will stand.
Kaycee Nicole 2000
I will run and not be weary... I will finish this race.
9/14/2000 11:32:18 PM |
° i am the warrior °
To Be Or Not To Be...
I've asked everyone to leave my room, including my mom. We just finished having a heart to heart discussion. Don't ya just love those. But it's okay, I never asked for *Pretty Words* before and I won't start accepting them now. This is the tough part. This is the part no one likes to hear. Yup... but there it is anyway.
I've just been told things aren't looking too good. My body is being stubborn I guess. Sorta like I can be sometimes. After being given all the information I really wanted to be alone to think. I'm not feeling the greatest. Yesterday seemed like a millon hours to me. Part of it I spent in a sorta semi-unreal state. Have you ever felt like you were awake when you were sleeping and you just weren't sure if you really were sleeping or you were awake? Weird huh! That's kinda what I felt like. And I had all sorts of crazy visions. It's probably just the medicine they gave me making me slightly wacko!
How do I feel about what I've been told? Well... I asked the doctors, "Are you giving up on me? Because I'm not giving up on myself." They assured me they had no intentions of giving up on me. That's good to know. But I felt pretty bowled over by what they had just told me and I didn't want anyone around me while I tried to sort through it in my mind.
For a few minutes I just laid there and let the anger bubble up. I clinched my fists and said out loud the words I was thinking: "Damn you, damn you to hell. You can't fail me yet. I'm fighting for you and you have no right to give up!" Pretty stupid to talk to yourself, but right now I'm two people... the physical me and the spiritual me. The physical me is what I can't control. The spiritual me is where all the strength, hope, and faith live in harmony.
Once I dealt with my anger I took a deep breath. There's no way I'm giving in. My spiritual being is too strong and powerful. And the ironic thing is it just keeps getting stronger. It controls the important part of me that will never die.
I'm not sure what to do with the other information. I really can't dismiss it, but I can't let it control me either. I started laughing. Yes, can you believe it, laughing. I thought, "I bet the devil is cussing like crazy because I won't let go of my faith." I don't think God is ready for me just yet. If He was I'd be there and not here. Everything has a purpose, everything happens for a reason. I'm just waiting to see what all of it is.
If the pain gets to be too much for my family, maybe I'll come to other conclusions. It isn't my time yet. I can smile knowing I have won another battle. I'll be able to rest soon.
9/14/2000 12:14:17 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Kaycee has fought her way through the night. The fever stands at 102.5.
9/14/2000 08:17:32 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, September 13, 2000
Kaycee's fever is now at 104. The doctors have again listed her in critical condition.
9/13/2000 04:11:45 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Kaycee's fever is now at 103.
9/13/2000 02:31:59 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Kaycee has developed a fever due to a staph infection. It has steadily risen to 102 in the course of a few hours.
This is fairly serious. Please pray for her temperature to return to normal and for the infection to clear. Thank you.
~ Debbie
9/13/2000 01:05:44 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Get ready for round #2.
Here it comes... *braces herself*.
9/13/2000 12:38:33 PM |
° i am the warrior °
I Greeted The Sun Today... If Only In My Mind.
I closed my eyes and thought about what I would like to do. If I wasn't where I'm at, I'd take a mystical journey.
First I would wake up with a smile and stretch my arms like I was embracing a new day. I would make a mug of hot chocolate (with whipped cream on top... yum), take it outside and sit on the back porch and anticipate the sunrise. Slowly it would makes its presence known. The sky would fill with the paleness of the living dawn. Pink, periwinkle, powder blue and maybe a touch of lavendar.
Inch by inch the hue of yellow would radiate as the sun whispered, "Wake Up, Wake Up." Everything would turn its face to the eastern horizon in greeting. I would watch the enchantment of living colours jump out at me. The trees gently swaying in the breeze. The beautiful flowers splashed with red, orange, salmon, white, purple and pink seem to open up and thrive. Butterflies, birds, bees, rabbits and squirels ventured out into the open to frolick and play. The magic of nature unfolds.
I'd throw on a t-shirt, shorts, and grab my basketball shoes. Like I had done so many times before, I'd pick up my basketball and spin it around and feel the worn smoothness against my fingers. I'd crash out the front door yelling, "Later Mom, I love you!" As I jogged toward the gym I'd dribble my basketball. My eyes would be focused on what is in front of me, I knew where the ball was, I didn't need to look. I'd spend the next several hours shooting hoops, perfecting my jump shot, running the court in break away style. The love I have for this sport made workouts seem more fun than actual physical exertion.
I'd spent the rest of the day creating laughter. I might meet my friends at the park and have a water balloon fight. Or share funny little stories. Or lay in the grass and as the clouds drift by determine their shapes. Or have a jam session in Jason's backyard. There's too much to choose from but I'd enjoy every minute.
Guess it wouldn't matter what I did. I'd be happy just to be doing something.
9/13/2000 08:54:04 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, September 12, 2000
Call Me Miss Piggy, Kerrrrrmit
Ugh! Maybe I'm a grrrr-remlin. D'oh. Okay, I'm a little grouchy. I think I'm giving my grandparents a complex. G-ma says I don't know whether to spit or chew nails. Haha.
The thing is I don't know why I feel like this. I'm a little bit blue (da-ba-de-da-ba-di... ack! Okay, no jokes... blah.) I'm a little bit frustrated. I'm a little bit bored. I'm a lot tired of being tired. I'm even mad at myself because yesterday I wrote about someone who complained... hey hey, look at me /smack! I really am a putz. So I grabbed myself by the *ahem* and now I'm gonna proceed to kick my own booty! Woo-hoo. Sigh.
Okie Dokie, what's the deal? Well... everyone here is really wonderful and they are good to not tell me how not to feel. Make sense? I guess I get it. But I don't have to like it. I told the Social Worker I don't like feeling pathetic. She asked me why not? Holy crap, I don't even know. Maybe my brain is revolting. She assured me it wasn't. Then she asked me about the poem I wrote last night, and if I feel lonely a lot.
Yes I do. So lonely sometimes I wish I had someone special to just hold me for a long time. Just hold me. Funny how something so simple could effect me to deeply. I miss my friends. I miss my own bed. I miss the challenges that stimulate my mind. I miss laying on the floor listening to my music. I miss sitting at my drums and pouring my energy into the beat. I miss dribbling a basketball. I miss eating mexican and chinese food. I miss releasing a balloon into the sky and watching it until it disappears. I miss touching the flowers in our backyard. I miss listening to the waterfall under the moonlight. I miss the sound of a train going by. I miss my life.
I didn't care that the Social Worker saw me cry. Just thinking about those things made me sad. I guess that is what my poem was about. Simple freedom. I'm an unwilling captive to my situation. And I know it will continue until my body responds and begins to heal. I told her I even have to fight myself to keep the positive energy flowing. I get tired of fighting sometimes. I just wanna lay down in the grass and rest. But I can't because I have to keep my guard up all the time. I don't know which direction the next attack will come from. I sleep with one eye open. I can never remove the heavy armor. I always have to have my spear ready to do battle.
It becomes exhausting sometimes. It isn't how I intended my youth to be. It wasn't in my plans. I have no other choices except to surrender, and that just isn't me. Sometimes I ask God, "Have I proven myself yet? Am I good enough, am I strong enough?" I know those aren't fair questions. I also know it is my frustration that makes me think those thoughts. It isn't anyone's fault this is happening to me.
Maybe feeling like I do right now makes me stronger. I get knocked down but I get up again, and again and again...
9/12/2000 05:21:47 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Battle The Night
How do I fight the loneliness that circles me at night?
Missing all the fun outside, as I continue on my fight.
Sometimes it wants to crush me, turn me into dust,
But I have to be the bigger one... fight it, yes I must.
The tears become my companion, slipping silently like rain,
Sometimes this vacant prison drives me captively insane.
I want to be the butterfly escaping the shelter of its cocoon,
To spread my colorful wings and journey toward the moon.
I want to be the gliding eagle, with wind beneath my wings,
Soaring through the velvet sky, free to experience everything.
I don't want to hide away and never feel the sun,
I need to be an army, not the loneliness of one.
My angels fight the demons which cause my tears to fall,
Shedding light in darkness, tearing down the wailing walls.
Why does the pain have to follow me with each step I take,
Why can't it just release me, for I refuse to break.
When the dawn arrives the loneliness takes its flight,
It will be back to battle me again... on yet another night.
Kaycee Nicole 2000
9/12/2000 03:25:49 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, September 11, 2000
Sleepwalker Of Life
I have been observing a person. I noticed she never smiled. I also noticed she was always grumbling and complaining about something, anything. I heard her say, "Lord, it's too hot." "The air conditioning in this place sucks." "Nobody knows how to drive anymore." "The donuts are stale." "The pop machine took my money." "The price of gas is up again, someone must think I'm made of money." "My kids spilled milk all over my new tablecloth." "My car broke down and I had to walk two blocks with a gas can."
Hmm... I pressed my lips together and willed myself not to say anything. After several days of listening to her, today I finally couldn't take it anymore. I said, "Excuse me, do you feel alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
I forged on. "If you feel good, then why complain?"
"You think it's fun working around a bunch of sick people?"
I tried not to be indignant. "Do you think us sick people wanna be sick? Do you think we like being here, like we don't have better things to do with ourselves?" She pursed her lips at me and narrowed her eyes. I wasn't sure what she was thinking, probably wasn't too flattering though.
"And your point is what, sister? I don't need to hear your sob story. I have one of my own. I could care less."
I gazed at her quizically. "Exactly! We all have a sob story, don't we. So why should I bother asking you why you're so miserable. I mean you get to come and go as you please. You get to feel that hot sun beating down on you. You choose to eat that stale donut. You can walk a few blocks to get gas and breath in the summer air. You can hear your kids laugh. But I bet none of that matters to you does it? What does matter to you, anything? Money? A good job? Heathy, happy kids? What?"
She hrumphed at me and rolled her eyes. She left my room in a huff. I guess I made her mad. I really felt bad knowing she was one of those people that might not ever see the good side of life. Even before Cancer I knew what it meant to appreciate everything around me. It just so happens today my awareness is intensified by all that has happened in my own life. It makes each breath sweeter. Each touch softer. Each sound more musical.
I can't grab life for those who chose to let it slip through their fingers. All I can say is I hope they wake up pretty soon and quit sleepwalking through the sands of time.
9/11/2000 10:31:45 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Romeo, Romeo... Knock It Off!
Ack! Romeo (you know, that hickman tube thing), well, it’s acting up this morning. I wondered how long it’d sweet-talk me before doing something out of line. Haha! I have a little irritation. Ok ok, a little infection. Nothing to worry about. /smack Romeo... knock it off!
Haha! Reminds me of one of my ex-boyfriends. Just teasing!
Is there a written warning somewhere that says, “Beware of young women, they have the nasty M-word on their minds.” Marriage! ACK! Sheesh. I have to laugh at that comment, because personally I have too many things I want to do before I get married. First I need to find the right guy. He’s out there somewhere.
Secondly, I really have no business even thinking about relationships. I’m realistic about my situation. I’m content with special friendships. I have spent a lot of time agonizing over this. For a long time I pushed guys away. It seemed safer to let them go than take a chance on hurting them worse later. Maybe that was wrong of me. It would hurt me tremendously to “walk away” but I did it anyway. I’m not a cold calculating person. I suffered a lot of grief over my decisions. I thought, “If I don’t make it than no one is hurt.” I actually knew they’d be hurt either way, but I tried to chose the lesser of two evils.
I used to fear dying without knowing true love. I am realizing I already know what it is, I already have it in my life. Love isn’t based on sex. That is an added bonus you share in a relationship. Personally I have no experience. It has been my choice, even though I’ve had plenty of offers. I feel we all have to make decisions based on what is right for us. I’ve always been self-disciplined. Hazard of playing basketball all those years I guess. When the times comes, I’ll know it.
I got the love! Yeah baby!
9/11/2000 10:09:33 AM |
° i am the warrior °
I loved this birthday card so much.
I am sure Jan must have made it herself. What a beautiful thing!
9/11/2000 12:40:05 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, September 10, 2000
Thank you, Thank you to everyone! Mom saved all the birthday e-mail and e-cards you sent me and it made this day so awesome!!!
I wanna say I Love You and /pounce to Randy (BWG), John (Halcyon), Jim (Kaya), Al, Patty, Tim, Sara, Steph, Jan, Regina, Romi, Beth, Nicole, Zach, Bonnie, Emilie, Pam and Alex!!! Awww... you guys are the very very very best! {{{{Hugs}}}}
I have a special message for Marlene, who's mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer: Girl I am so happy that your mom is doing well!! That is the most awesome news ever! There is power in numbers! Woo-hoo!
I have a birthday story to tell you. It happened when I turned 9 years old. Mom was in the kitchen cooking and I came in and sat down on a stool. I put my chin in my hands and watched her rush around. She turned and looked at me with a smile. She said, "Why are you so quiet young lady? Tomorrow is your birthday, are you excited?"
I said, "Today is my birthday mom." She stopped everything she was doing and her mouth dropped open. "No." She rushed over to the calender and gasped. "Oh Kaycee, I thought today was the 9th, I got my days mixed up. Ohh baby, I'm so sorry. How could I have gone all day and not known." She was so upset with herself she almost started crying.
Before she sent me to go get cleaned up she hugged and kissed me and whispered, "I love you." 45 minutes later I walked into the kitchen and my friends yelled, "Surprise!!"
Mom told me after I left she attacked the phone and made many phone calls. She had a friend of hers run to the store and buy cake and ice cream. She had another friend pick up party favors, balloons, and candy. While they were doing that she called all my friends and told them to get to our house quick.
I thought about that today after seeing all the little things my mom did to make my day a special one. She cut out paper ballons and stuck them around my room, she made coupons for things like Chunky Monkey ice cream, and Reese's Peanut Butter cups. She is so awesome!
But I sorta noticed something all day, even though she was laughing and smiling, I could tell something was wrong. She hasn't told me what it is yet. I dunno if she isn't feeling well or what. I'll get her to tell me! Otherwise I'll /pounce.
9/10/2000 07:23:54 PM |
° i am the warrior °
My Birthday Wishes
This is what I'd like for my birthday and the coming year:
1. To hug each one of my family and friends.
2. To play basketball again and *Rock It*.
3. To win this battle and be healthy.
4. To always see the positive things in life.
5. To move to San Diego and get on with my life.
6. To make every day count.
7. To get back into College.
8. To love and be happy.
I'm a warrior!! Smile for me!
9/10/2000 09:26:02 AM |
° i am the warrior °
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