Saturday, September 02, 2000
Reaching For The Stars
Yeeee-ha! Life begins at 18 yrs, 11 months, 21 days. Ok, not really. Maybe I should have said new life. Hmmm...
Today is September 1, 2000, and this is my first hospital journal entry. I'm trying to think of what I should call this phase of my life. Actually, not really my life, but this period of my experiences. I kind of know what is to come, in terms of verbal conversations. I have agreed with myself not to form any opinions until I personally experience it. This will save me a lot of grief I think. And the doctors said I may not have all of the side effects that come with this procedure.
Maybe I'll call it One Day at a Time or A Test of Endurance or The Big Kahuna or Reaching for the Stars.
I think I like Reaching for the Stars because that is how I look at it. I have to keep pushing beyond the normal realms of life to get where I want to be. I know it's not suppose to be this tough. But this is what I was given. It's like someone dropped the ball in my hands and said, "Hey now, let's see what you can do with it." Wow, I feel like I've failed at trying to fight my way to the bucket. But then, every once in awhile I get there and just slam dunk that ball, just so I can do the Chicken Dance. Well, it feels
good when it happens.
I'm all hooked up with what they call a hickman or something like that. I asked if they were making fun of my background. Actually it's the name given to the tube that was inserted in the vein above my heart. Ack!! Sounds nasty, and it wasn't very pleasant, but I'm not gonna complain. I did tell them if they were going to name the dumb thing it needed a more accurate title. I suggested we should refer to the tube as Romeo because everything went straight to my heart. Ok, bad joke, but they liked it. So we had a little ceremony: "I, Princess Kaycee, dub thee Sir Romeo from this day forward."
I see the stars outside my window and I want to join in their mischievous play. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and prayed that tomorrow I'll be able to see just as much greatness.
9/2/2000 12:20:49 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, September 01, 2000
I'm gonna be MIA for a few days. Mom and I are leaving right now. The surgery is scheduled for 4 p.m. CST today.
Yikes! They keep changing things, but the sooner the better. I salute you all! Keep smiling for me...
Maybe bwg will slip some of his wit in here until I get back online. Ciao ;-)
9/1/2000 12:32:04 PM |
° i am the warrior °
What's In A Name?
Have you ever wondered at the point when your parents named you, did they have a clue what your name meant and if it'd turn out to be true? Think about it a second. Does your name fit you? Is it way out in left field? Or, is it so accurate it leaves you perplexed?
Well, you sorta heard the story behind how I got my name so I doubt the meaning played any part in the actual choosing. Mom told me she liked the sound of Kaycee Nicole. She further explained that even though my Dad was thinking KC Chiefs, she was thinking KC and the Sunshine Band. She showed me an Album cover of this group, and even made me listen to it. I did like the rainbows they put on the cover.
Mom and Dad agreed on the KC part. Hmm... so why am I Kaycee rather than KC?? Parents! So anyway, I know my dad was thinking football... maybe rough and tough. And mom was thinking music that reminded her of sunshine and rainbows. I find that all sort of funny because neither of those is what my name means. I'll give them credit though. I always loved sports. I also love music, and I have this thing about sunshine and rainbows. Coincidence? I'm not sure.
My name, Kaycee, means Vigilant, Brave. Since I can't ever find my name spelled this way I had to check under Casey.
Let's break that down a little. Vigilant means watchful. I suppose I can say that's a fair analogy. I always watched everything carefully so I could learn more. And I always seemed to have my eyes open to how the world around me was transpiring. Now that brings us to the brave part. I'm not really brave. I think curious, adventerous, and self-confident might be better descriptions. If I'm so brave why do I cry over the silliest things? If brave is compassionate then I have it covered.
My middle name, Nicole, means The People's Victory. How kewl!! I'm definitely a fighter for others. And I can truthfully say I strive for victory in many areas of my own life. I've always been a people person. I don't like to see others used, abused or hurt. I'm a warrior who will wage battle against what isn't fair. I know I'm strong enough to help those who need it. A lot of times I've put others before myself.
So given all of that it's kind of amusing how close the meaning of my name fits the person I turned out to be. Not all of it is true. But close. The thing is, I don't think I set out to be like this. In fact, I know I had no thoughts about any of it. The natural abilities I had just carried me into a lot of situations. Once I was there it was sink or swim. So I swam. Sometimes I floundered like a drowning victim. When that happened I'd catch my breath and push onward. Sometimes I floated and watched the clouds drift by. Hey, we all need a break every once in awhile.
Mom says I always kept my chin up and my face to the sunshine. Well, I think I got cloud burn a few times searching. But it's all good. Smile! I'm sending you some sunshine. Did your room just light up?
9/1/2000 09:25:39 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Happy Birthday to the
BWG website!!! Woo-hoo!
9/1/2000 07:29:20 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, August 31, 2000
I'd Like To Know What Makes You Cry
A friend of mine came over and decided I needed to cruise around with him. He yanked me out my front door and said, "Come on Kace, let your hair down for awhile." Oops. We laughed at his choice of words. He knows me well enough to know not to apologise for what he said. Some people are always apologising, but there's no need.
Gavin just has this zany persona about him that makes you feel comfortable no matter what the situation. We've always gotten along great because our personalities were similiar in many ways. He was the one who kept me supplied with tootsiepops the first time I went bald from Chemo. He said if I was going to do the Kojak look I'd better feel the part. Besides he wanted to know how many licks there were in a tootsieroll pop! We never did find that out.
So Gavin prodded me toward his car. It happens to be a convertible and he had the top down. He commented about me not having to worry about getting my hair messed up in the wind, but the glare might be a problem. I smirked at him. He was killing me with his charm. He said, "Kace, you gotta have a cap," and proceeded to slap one on my head. Then he said, "Hmm, it's a tad slippery, you've been waxing that dome." Okay, I couldn't help it, I had to smack him for that comment. It was all in good fun though.
Several minutes into the drive he suddenly popped in a CD and began singing a song to me. It's not the type of song a guy normally listens too, so he had my full attention. When he was done he repeated part of the words to me...
I wish that I could take a journey through your mind
And find emotions that you always try to hide,
I do believe that there's a love you wanna share,
I'll take good care of you lady, have no fear,
So I wanna know
I'd like to know what makes you cry
So I can be the one who always makes you smile
When he got done he took my hand, wiped my tears away and said, "Kace I wanted you to know how important a friend you are to me, and no matter what you go through I'll always be here for you. I'm giving you back what you've given me, unquestionable love."
Just when you think you know your friends, they have a way of surprising you. I'm one of the luckiest people in the world when it comes to my friends.
8/31/2000 03:51:21 PM |
° i am the warrior °
I want to take a second to say Hola, Bonjour, Zdravei, Hello to some special friends of mine. I haven't had much time or energy to write them lately. Hope you guys will forgive me. So... Hello to:
My Special Sis's: Romi in Panama, Iris, Nika, Beth, Nicole, and Amy in Canada.
CyberMom Linda, Mom Carmella & Mr. B., Shawnde, big brother Dev, Nic, Alex, Ryan, Peter and Isaac.
My pouncing pals at citizenX: Jan, Steph, and Regina.
Special KC Daily Doser's: Al, Trin, CK, B, Gil, Mike, and Tim.
Everyone, your words of encouragement, strength and love don't go unnoticed by me. I'm sending you my love and a huge ray of sunshine. Thank you.
8/31/2000 08:19:15 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, August 30, 2000
Say Wha?
I received some news yesterday from my latest tests. The Cancer is still spreading even after the intensity of Chemo/Radiation treatments. Basically that means a couple things which gets way to complicated to explain, unless you have a lot of time on your hands. Anyway, the doctor looked me straight in the eye and said, "By rights you should be dead."
I started laughing at that comment. He said it so stoically it amused me. The reason I found it so funny was because I viewed it as a good thing. I'm still here right? But of course. I fight every step of the way. If I took all the hard facts to heart, I'd just roll over and be done with it. But I can't and won't do that.
When I was first diagnosed in June of 1999 my doctor then told me, "You have three months." I got really angry at him for telling me that. I told him, "You don't know me." How many months ago was that? I'm keeping score. It was 14 months, with eight of those months in remission. Ok, I realise they aren't the best stats around, but I'm a fighter. When the going gets tough, KC gets tougher.
Yes, I've dealt with my business. I don't know anyone who is guaranteed tomorrow. Not me, not you, not anyone. That all sounds pretty bleak. I don't mean it to be. Like I said, I see it as a positive thing. I am still here for whatever reason that may be.
Maybe it's so I can see another sunrise, or sunset. Maybe it's so I can finish college and be the best damn PT there is. Maybe it's so I can harass BWG. Maybe there's no reason at all other than I'm stubborn. I'm clueless. I don't really want to search for the reasons why I'm still hanging around, I want to enjoy what I am given. That information gave me another victory. I'll take it and be thankful for it.
Nuff said. So smile! I insist.
8/30/2000 12:57:54 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Did You Know?
Did you know reports say half of American men and two-thirds of American woman will get some form of Cancer? Ack! Before you go jump on the Chemo bandwagon you need to know that many types of Cancer are controlled fairly painlessly. So don’t panic here.
Did you know that Cancer is a group of many related diseases? All forms of cancer involve the out-of-control growth and spread of abnormal cells. It’s easily explained yet sometimes difficult to find the right combination of treatment.
Did you know that the body produces natural Biologic Agents that fight cancer? They are interferons, interleukins, and other cytokines. These agents can be produced in a laboratory and given to patients to help boost the immune system to fight cancer cells.
Did you know that Green tea contains antioxidants? Antioxidant properties can cancel out the damage caused by free radicals. Free radicals are molecules that damage cell DNA and as a result can begin the process of a cell turning cancerous.
Well, my major is Physical Therapy not Medical Science. But I’ve learned a lot about both through my own personal experiences. I think in the medical field they will all agree to disagree when it comes to how to treat patients with various diseases, especially cancer. The thing you need to remember is everyone is genetically different and what works for some may not work for you. Along with the doctors I’m trying to sort through the "this drug worked last time, but it isn’t doing anything this time" puzzle.
Remain calm, please move single file toward the nearest exit sign and have a nice day.
Are you smiling? You'd better be. Said in my best Schwartzeneggar voice, I’ll be back.
Hmmm... is that the right way to spell Arnold's name? Maybe he should change it to Smith or Jones. It'd be much easier on us drooling fans.
8/30/2000 09:14:35 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, August 29, 2000
Dr. DoLittle
Doctors are really funny sometimes. This morning my doc walks in and after discussing what has been going on the past 24 hours he rubs his chin and said, "Kaycee you're losing too much weight. You need to eat more." D'oh! I tried to keep from rolling my eyes. I really did, I swear. I said, "Well, it's kinda tough when you've been throwing up for 16 hours or more."
"I see your point." Hmm... I thought, "Ok good, I see progress here." Then the doc said, "Kaycee, you're dehydrated. You need to drink more liquids." D'oh! I did roll my eyes this time. I said, "Doc Wayne, I can't keep anything down. Do you have another theory we can work on?"
He said, "Yes, eat more, drink more and quit getting sick."
Now there's a thought!
8/29/2000 01:34:19 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Heading to the doctor. I'm not feeling to well right now. I'm tired of being tired I guess.
Actually, I don't like throwing up either. It'll get better soon. It better or I'm going to have to pounce someone.
8/29/2000 10:15:46 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, August 28, 2000
I Am Pond Scum
Okay, I need to amend that to I was Pond Scum. What? I love that line. And the great creators at
Coolsig start all newcomers with this title. But have no fear, I have evolved from Pond Scum into a Lil’ Wriggler. I’m not sure what comes after that but I can’t wait to find out.
My good friend Tim who hails from Canada (Bonjour mes amis Canadiens. J'envoie vous mes meilleures salutations, et a beaucoup d'amour.) In case you’re wondering I said: Hello my Canadian friends. I send you my best greetings, and much love.
Anyway my friend Tim started a thread about me on the Coolsig site. The people have been awesome with their replies. I’m very lucky to be surrounded by so much strength and generosity. And love of course.
While I was musing over the term I thought, "You know, that’s a pretty accurate description sometimes." The concept of evolving in life really only means, changing. If you don’t change; you remain the same. Sort of like pond scum - stagnant. If we don’t do anything with our lives we won’t evolve into much of anything either. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to striving hard. I want to be the best that I can be. I’d hope everyone felt like that. Whatever you can do, do it well.
8/28/2000 10:43:10 PM |
° i am the warrior °
ACK!!! I'm going to end up posting like a zillion times today. I might even have a story to tell. But, I dunno my life is so boring. I actually have a request. A wonderful person e-mailed me on Friday and like the putz that I am, I misplaced the e-mail. Ugh, don't ask me how I did that. Well anyway, if that person would e-mail me again I'd like to reply.
Here are a few hints to who you are (doh, like you wouldn't know yourself):
You live in California. You mentioned work and a great organization. And you have a wonderful, terrifically, awesome boyfriend.
If this is you, please e-mail me back. I swear I'll try not to lose you again.
8/28/2000 08:47:23 AM |
° i am the warrior °
I want to send a big shout out to all my friends at
College Club. It's an awesome place to hang out. Ask me, I know... I used to live there. Okay not live live, but pretty close.
Salut!
8/28/2000 07:53:54 AM |
° i am the warrior °
A friend of mine shared this with me,
Believe In Your Heart.
He told me while reading it he thought of me. I was in remission at the time. But I reread it this morning and it made me smile.
Yeee-ha! I'll be 19 in thirteen days. Nah, I'm not anxious. But I am excited. So smile already. Please.
8/28/2000 07:39:40 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, August 27, 2000
We're having a heat wave! A sizzling heat wave! Geez, everyone is wondering what the Rock is cooking, and we sure hope He gets out of the kitchen soon. Ack! I think the heat has affected my brain. Man, is it hot where you are too? If not let me know and I'll come visit you.
I have received some of the best e-mail. And I want you to know I read all of it, I just wish I had time to answer everyone.
Woo-hoo! I received a package in the mail yesterday. It was from BWG!! I'm now the proud owner of an official BWG T-shirt. We're rockin' now! I'm sending the BWG a HUGE {{{hug}}}.
Give the gift of life. Donate blood, plasma, and hmm... you might consider being put into the Bone Marrow list of donors too. Believe me, you might just be the person someone is waiting for.
8/27/2000 10:29:03 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Living, But Dead
I don’t want to write how I’m feeling right now. I don’t want to say I’m feeling anger. I don’t want to feel anything when my Dad inflicts his ranting, raving, and darkness on our family. No one can avoid it. Even if we try to push it away, it eats at us. We can lock ourselves away but it follows us. Either we hear his shouting, or we feel the wrath of his words cutting away at us. I hate that. I hate when anyone uses verbal abuse on someone else. Words have this terrible ability to leave invisible scars that seem to heal so slowly.
After I decided what to get my mom for her birthday I worried about the trouble it may cause. It was very tough trying to figure out the best thing to do. I finally concluded that this was what I wanted to do and my heart was the only thing leading me. Easy enough. I’ve always believed a gift from the heart, no matter what it may be, is the best gift of all. I’m usually not quite so lavish but for many reasons I felt my mom deserved what she was being given. I wanted it to be from my sister, my brother and me. I worked out the perfect deals with each of them. We are all happy with the outcome... except my dad.
He has made life unbearable. No, it didn’t start yesterday. It has been getting worse for the past four years. I try to block him out. I have told myself over and over, he can’t hurt me any more. But he does, and he continues to hurt me. It is hard for me to say I love him, but I do because he is my dad. I have no respect left to give him. I have tried. We all have tried. It is almost as if he thrives on inflicting his own misery on us.
My dad has told me I’m dead in his eyes. I don’t want to believe that’s true but his actions have shown me it is. He hates the cancer, therefore he hates me. He sees me as weak. He sees me as death. He sees me as something not worth his time because in the end the Cancer will win. He has lost sight of all the awesome things in life, and I’m one of them.
He is living, but locked in the darkness of something that steals the happiness of life. He won’t let anyone help him. He is too busy blaming and hating. The help has to come from his own decision to find it. I pray every day that he’ll find it, and find it quickly. In the meantime the wounds I suffer are fresh and raw. They hurt with an intensity to strong to describe.
8/27/2000 12:11:02 PM |
° i am the warrior °
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