Saturday, September 23, 2000
Descriptive E-Mail
Wow! The e-mail today has been filled with all these awesome descriptions of sweatshirts, football and the wonders of Fall. This is so great! Big thanks to Anita... yes the formation of geese is an Artwork of nature. And Lisa!! I know exactly what you meant! Your writing was perfect, no different than mine. We say and write it how we feel it. Thanks everyone for giving me such beautiful visions.
Beaucoup d'amour a vous, mon amis. (Much love to you, my friends.)
I'm feeling very mellow today. A sort of nice peaceful kind of mood. The smiles and laughter surround me. The great thing is the e-mail just seemed to all click together the same way. So if that's the case, we're all smiling, right? You'd better be.
9/23/2000 08:05:35 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Fall-O-Me
It's Fall! So tell me, tell me... are the leaves turning colors? I was trying to imagine all the greens, red, silver and yellows. I bet they're awesome! And you know how you get to wear sweatshirts... don't you love how they always feel so soft against your skin?
I've been reading some e-mails from my friends. Most of them are in College. Ugh, I miss that but I'm glad they're having a great time. It's funny because all of them are going through different problems. And I'm still the Dear KC. Gavin is trying to figure out why all his t-shirts are suddenly pinkish. He said he only washed one red towel with them. D'oh! Ha! Then Hannah can't decide which guy she likes best. And Travis told me he needs help with his Calc 1 because he's bombing. He wanted to know how I managed to pass my class and when could I help him. Studying?! Hmm... lots of praying. It was tough. And Michelle says her roommate snores. Yikes. Haha, isn't college life awesome?
Some of the many things I love about Fall...
Cool weather
All the awesome colors
Football games
My sister's birthday
Fall flowers
Seeing the ducks fly south
Thanksgiving
Octoberfest
... and how smiles never change from season to season!
9/23/2000 08:41:21 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, September 22, 2000
Finding Peace In The Darkness
My writing is a bunch of scribbles. My hand is shaking. I will my muscles to respond to the commands of my brain. And all these thoughts are running around my brain. I want to put them into some kind of order but it's so hard to do when my body doesn't want to respond like it should. Finally I give up, Mom is going to have to help me. I have to release what I'm thinking somehow.
I talk, mom writes. It's a relief.
I don't know this body anymore. It's a shell holding the real me somewhere within. I want to just cry. I don't know why. I guess I could justify the tears if I'd let them go. If asked I could give a list of reasons.
I've been really sick for several hours. I just want to escape from all of this for awhile. For an hour, for a day. It would feel so awesome. Just one single day. 24 hours. Is it to much to ask? And if I had 24 hours of total freedom from all of this what would I do with it? I'd do what I always did... just enjoy it.
Mom says close my eyes and tell her what I see, what I hear, what I feel. I have to concentrate really hard to get past the blackness that is surrounding me. I start running to get away from it. I want out. I hear the sound of my breathing and as I run faster, I hear my heart pumping faster and faster. I run and I run and I run.
Suddenly I burst into the sunshine. I tilt my head back and feel the warmeth on my face. I can't stop the tears. I let them go into the land of freedom. They can't hurt me. The prisoner has been set free. I see all these colors everywhere I turn. A meadow beneath my bare feet, a living carpet. The sky is filled with endless crisp blue. The breeze dries my tears. The song of birds and crickets, sing to me. I feel the peace. I'm a part of it.
I'm tired and weary. I want to live in this place I envision forever. I want all the pain to go away. Not just mine, everyone's. I want us all to live here and be happy. To feel the smiles, and hear the laughter. No more darkness. I'm just a dreamer, aren't I?
Sometimes it's all I have.
9/22/2000 09:11:03 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Feel like crap, or shit, or hell. Pick a word. Think awful.
9/22/2000 07:07:41 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, September 21, 2000
I Have A Fever... Basketball Fever
I've been shooting paper wads at the trash can. My shot is definitely off. I'm about 6 for 10. That's pretty bad. And I think Mom's PO'd at the mess I'm making. Ha! She threatened to make me scrub floors if I didn't shape up. You know, that might be fun.
So I've got basketball fever. Can you feel one of those "good ole days" stories comin' on? Yeah right, I'm so old. I do have a lot of ball playing memories though. Hopefully there'll be lots more to come. Ugh, I'm so out of shape. And I'm not even sure I could dribble a ball right now. Hmm... s'pose it's like riding a bike?
What I always loved about Basketball was being able to pour all my energy and aggressions into it. I'd get banged around but I don't ever remember getting mad at anyone but myself. I admit I didn't like how some of my coaches got in my face, and they could always make you feel like a big nothing. I've helped coach little kids and I never did that to them. They responded just as well, if not better, with praise and suggestions. I didn't need to yell or degrade them.
One of my first coaches would tell us stuff like: you're stupid, you're lazy, you're whipped dogs. Funny thing was we would be ahead. It was much worse when we were losing. I've been able to dribble a basketball pretty well since I was really young. I'm not sure it was an advantage. In a lot of ways I guess it helped me. I always had to think ahead, "Now how do I keep from getting mobbed?" You know when you're younger, everywhere the ball goes, at least eight kids follow. I learned to run really fast. Haha. I bet it was really funny to watch.
And parents! Ack! Some of them could be so cruel yelling at their kids from the stands! Yikes! I learned to tune out the negative when I was on the court. There just isn't room for it in any sport.
I remember one game where we were playing a school rival. The other team got really nasty. We were being elbowed, tripped, fingernailed, jabbed, poked... pretty much everything but punched in the nose. My teammates were on the verge of losing their sportsmanship. I was feeling the pressure too. The game was tight and tempers were escalating. I told everyone, "Hey, we can give in and play their kind of game or we can do it the right way... our way!" So we came out determined to do it the right way. They kept playing dirty but we waxed them with in your face b-ball.
I took an elbow right in the eye that knocked me on my butt. The girl who did it was pretty pleased with herself. She lost the game for her team. All because she wasn't self-disciplined enough to control her temper. And me, well I had to have about 7 stitches after the game but it was worth it.
The one thing I always wanted walking off the court when the game was over was this: knowing I gave it everything I had and doing it by the rules. I don't regret playing that way. I just wish everyone played by the same rules, but some people make up their own to suit their own needs. That's really too bad, they're missing the whole point of being proud of yourself. Oh well...
9/21/2000 11:12:35 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, September 20, 2000
My Best Friend
Yes, I know how lucky I am. I doubt anyone has to remind me, but it's really kewl when they do. Several people here have mentioned how great a mom I have. But, we've always had this really close bond for as long as I can remember. She's taught me all these awesome things. The kind of things you can put a name to but goes way deeper.
I look at her sometimes and she's so sleepy but she fights to stay wake, just for me. Right now all I can do is take her hand and tell her Thank you and I love you, which seems so lacking, even if I mean it with all my heart. I know none of this is easy, but Mom makes me forget what I'm going through sometimes. She makes me laugh and see the funny side to lots of things. But I know she cries a lot too. Ha! She's a sap. So I'm in good company.
Mom just has this way of sliding her help at you and even though you know that's what she's doing, you never have that feeling of helplessness. When my Grandma Katherine was in the hospital Mom stayed with her for weeks. I remember Grandma K was having trouble eating. She'd lift her fork and her hand would shake so bad the food fell off. Mom said, "Katherine, you know hospital food is always so tough, you have to be a wrestler to cut it. Let me see if I can make the pieces smaller." The whole time mom would be talking as she gently took over feeding grandma. I was always awed by how easily mom set Grandma K's mind at ease. And it's like my mom could read her mind on what she seemed to want.
Mom read to Grandma. She filled her room with pictures and drawings us kids had made. She went shopping for gifts for the nurses because Grandma wanted to thank them and show appreciation. She always brought Grandma K's favorite foods and made sure everyone who visited had brownies, cookies, etc... because that's the way grandma treated everyone who visited at her house. Mom just made that hospital room seem more bearable and not so cold. She filled it with love, just like she's doing for me.
My mom takes care of everyone. She seems to have enough to go around. I've always loved that about her. When mom leaves everyone wants to know when she'll be back. To me that is an awesome compliment. She says she isn't strong, but I'd say she was beyond strong.
I'm blessed to have many good friends. And although she's my Mom first, she's always been my best friend too.
I love you Mom!!!
9/20/2000 04:37:58 PM |
° i am the warrior °
The Good, The Better, The Best
The past 24 hours have been awesome. I'm feeling a little better, and not having to take as much pain medication. So my thoughts aren't as wacky. Then there was finally some improvement in my latest blood tests. Yeee-ha! Hey, some blondes are slower than others (I'm kidding). I have a little of that platinum fuzz goin' on. I don't think I need a stylist just yet but maybe soon.
The best of all is I'm up. Woo-hoo! I'm so glad to be sitting in a chair. It's so awesome. It's a little drafty in some areas, ya know what I mean? /wink
I say, "Down with hospital gowns!" And where's my Taz slippers? haha
Smile... It's a good day to feel the sunshine!
9/20/2000 10:55:58 AM |
° i am the warrior °
For The Pride
Did you see the clip from the Olympics last night? The one where three swimmers came out, they were the slow heat of the 100 m qualifying race. Two of them false started and were disqualified, leaving one guy. I can't remember what country he was from but they didn't even have a swim program. He'd never swam that far in a pool that size before. I held my breath for him because you could tell he was having trouble. His name is Eric Moussambani, and he won the gold in my heart.
A lot of people (not just athletes) would never have even tried. They would have said a few things like, "I'm not going out there and making a fool of myself," or, "What's the point, I don't have a prayer," or, "I can't do it!"
They talked about how some people in the crowd laughed at him. I thought that was sad. I had a feeling the ones laughing would be the ones who'd never try. But the rest of the crowd saw the struggle. They saw the determination. They saw the proud look of accomplishment on his face when he was done. I bet for Eric it was relief to be done. But he had the biggest smile on his face! It was awesome. If they gave out awards for courage and determination... he was a gold medalist! /salute Eric
That's what life's about.
9/20/2000 08:20:12 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, September 19, 2000
Courageous Kids
You know I've been around a lot of other Cancer patients. All ages. I found so much inspiration from them. Lots of strength. The younger ones turn me into jello. They make me look weak in comparison. Mom brought me this e-mail (Thanks Lisa!) and printed out the link. Awesome!
Meet just one of many many many courageous kids! Read how Nicole Scores Big.
/salute Nicole!! You go girl! Keep rockin babe!
9/19/2000 12:30:10 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Tale Of The T-Shirt
Mom surprised me the other day with a t-shirt. This was my t-shirt. I loved it!
There's a funny story behind all of it too. I've known my friend Al (/pounce, love ya Al. Hey don't worry he has a wonderful girlfriend, Lisa. And she is one lucky lady!!) for almost 1 1/2 years. He used to kinda scare me to death. Haha. I mean he was like the fearless leader of the Hosts on CollegeClub. I know I used to keep him jumpin' with all my wild energy. I don't think he knew what to do with me. He was always trying to keep me in line. Umm... I tried.
Well, when I was diagnosed with Cancer in June 1999, I kept it to myself for several weeks. I didn't even tell my mom. I needed time to let the reality of it set in. When I did finally share, it was with a select group. I wasn't ready to open up. Everything was a mystery to me then.
Al and John (Halcyon) were within the group of the few I did tell. Both of them were lifesavers for me at the time. I had held so much in that all my fears seemed to surface at once. I dunno how many times Al and John listened to me vent. And cry. And laugh. And do strange and impulsive things. Well over the course of time both Al and I changed I think. I became more vocal and he mellowed out. /poke Al (I'm teasing him.)
I have this saying I use all the time, "Smile, I'm sending you some sunshine. Did your room just light up?" It's one of my trademarks. I use it to try to brighten someone's day. So, I became the KC Sunshine Girl. Not to long ago Al told me I needed a KC and her Sunshine Band t-shirt. He was joking. I thought it was funny so I told my mom what he said.
Well Mom decided to surprise me by having some t-shirts made. She went to Randy (bwg) and got him to help her. Mom says it didn't take too long to come up with a design. And *poof*, the Al-inspired KC and her Sunshine Band T-shirt was born.
Now the other funny thing about these shirts are they say, *The KCrew* on the back. Haha! Hmmm... I'm notorious for doing stuff like that with my name. It was just for laughs to use the KC part and add to it. Like:
KCalvary, KCrazy, KCat, KCool, KCandy, KCrash, KCalm, etc...
Mom and Randy thought some of my friends might want to have one so they put the link up on where they could get 'em. Mom said she set it up so they were non-profit. Woo-hoo! That's the way uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! By the way, that last line is from the group mom named me after. Ha!
So yeah... Smile, I'm sending you some sunshine! /wink My love to all!
P.S. /pounce Alex! You need my help, come on admit it! You can't live in denial all your life. Mah hahaha /wink *Gotcha* Love ya Alex!
9/19/2000 09:20:34 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, September 18, 2000
You stepped In Wha?
Ack!! OMGosh... Mom is going to have a cow, if she didn't already! Yikes! Okay, I think I've found my sense of humor for the day. I know I'd better before Mom shows up or she'll make me eat raisins or something awful like that. Haha! Ugh, I hate raisins. And she'd probably have some comeback like... they cure constipation! Holy Shitza! I'm laughing, can you tell? Ok, so my sense of humor is warped but it beats digging in that endless pit. Lemme tell you, that's a big hole to get out of.
Hmmm... several tears, a few rounds of pain killers later, I'm suddenly a mellow comedian. Haha! I can live with it. You know what I want? A bath! Wait... hold up! I'm clean. But I want the real thing you know. The problem is I'm too waek and tired to get there. Maybe we could find a big catapult thing and I could aim myself in that direction. The landing might be a little bumpy but you know that hot water would feel awesome! Whoa, then I could say those famous words, "Help I've fallen and I can't get up." Toooo funny.
I feel really goofy. Haha. What a funny word!
I can laugh at myself. That's good.
9/18/2000 02:47:26 PM |
° i am the warrior °
I Don't Want To Die Alone
It's a dark day. I feel pain all over. My head is pounding. My pulse is racing. I want to reach over and jerk the wires and tubes off the monitor. It gets to be so aggravating. I'm trapped. I know what it must feel like to be a caged animal. I wonder if this is truly Hell. No escape from your own misery.
What can I compare this too? I don't even know. I closed my eyes and willed my thoughts to let the spirit of my soul rise up. My body was screaming, "Please!" My mind was whispering and begging, "Please." I could almost hear the dark side laughing, "Give up." Tears slipped from the corners of my eyes. I could feel them travel slowly down my face.
I won't be angry, pain and darkness thrive on anger.
I have to be bigger than the pain. Bigger than the darkness. I have to snatch my thoughts back and fight to keep them from being overpowered. Sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to accomplish. I sink into this deep abyss where I have to face my fears one by one. No one can take this journey but me. No one can overcome the fears but me. I have to face the weakness and shut it down. Rationalize it. Dissect it. Abolish it. Find peace with it.
I know my thoughts are all screwed up. I don't know why it has to be like this. Pain brings on the weirdest thoughts. I'm trying to deal with them as they come. What jumps into my mind...
I don't want to die alone. I'm not sure it's fair to even think those type of thoughts. But I have to deal with it for my own well being. There comes a point in all of this reality and insanity that you have too. It's true, I'm not afraid of death. I've come to terms with all of that. But, when the times comes I don't want to be alone, and yet, is it fair to put someone you love through the tremendous sorrow of being with you when you depart?
I don't know the answer. I guess it's not something we can choose. Maybe I'm not so much afraid of being alone as I am about being able to say my final I love you's. I guess that's why it's so important to express those things when you feel them right now. I try to do that. I don't want to forget. I want my actions to leave no doubts of my love.
To Love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.
9/18/2000 09:06:45 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, September 17, 2000
Announcing The Birth Of... KOA
KOA arrived!!! And is gorgeous!
DOB: Sept. 8, 2000.
Height: 21 inches
Weight: 18 ounces
Eye Color: Brown
And it has the kutest white furry body. Dressed in basketball shoes, basketball uniform, and a basketball in its left paw. There is the kutest tierra on KOA's head, and a matching wand in the right paw. So adorable.
Christine!! Ron!! *cry* You guys are too much! If I could grab you and hug you right now I would. She said she named this bear KOA because in Hawaiian it means courageous, strong, and warrior. I'm at a lose for words. Thank you! I love you both very much.
Christine works at the amazing Build-A-Bear Workshop and helps bring massive smiles to so many people! I can tell you KOA is beautifully crafted, and was uniquely created. What an awesome place to be a part of.
Everytime I gaze at the many many generous momento's (cards, letters, photos, angels, bears, posters, hats, t-shirts, i.e) I'm so very thankful for the friends and loved ones who have stuck with me through all of this. It means the most knowing you're sharing your loving spirit with me. I want you to know you're making my heart overflow with constant strength. I couldn't ask for more. I dunno how else to say what you mean to me.
My Friends
There is a special place ~ well hidden.
No one enters easily ~ though it's not forbidden
Our life revolves in living motion
With such ado and much commotion.
Along the way we're blessed to find
A friend or two for which we bind.
These chosen one, for which we trust
protect us most ~ when times get rough.
They love us, even with our flaws
And pick up the pieces when we fall
They love us just because ~ we're us
Without a lot of extra fuss.
Words don't have to be conveyed
To hold the bond for which we made.
My friends have hearts made of gold
To share the secrets we have told.
My life would not be complete
Without the friends I've chanced to meet.
When a hectic day is through
I know I can always call on you.
Maybe I'll never find the words to say,
How much you mean to me each day.
Thank you Lord ~ I'm truly blessed
The friends you gave me are... the best.
Kaycee
9/17/2000 09:15:57 PM |
° i am the warrior °
I think, I thought, I thunk
Ack!! I think I drive myself KCrazy thinking. Well go figure. Hmm... I think that I think thinking is a thoughtful process. Ha! School was much easier.
What do I think about? Everything. Nothing. Big things. Small things. Life. Death. My dreams. My failures. My wants. My desires. Family. Friends. School. Will my immune system ever fight back? Is it hot outside? Will I get to vote in the next election? Is it raining in San Diego? Is my mom getting enough rest? Do I take up to much of her time? Will my Dad ever speak to me, if so when? Will I die before I have a chance to experience some of the unknown? When will I sit on the beach again? Will I have kids of my own? What will they be like? What does the sunrise look like in Hong Kong? How long before I'm strong enough to walk around?
Sometimes I wish I didn't have time to think so much. It's painful. It's miserable. It's pungent. It's salvation.
9/17/2000 05:12:11 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Going For The Gold... And Finding The Big C
Yeee-ha! The Olympics have started. Wow, can you imagine just being good enough to go? What a dream come true for those dedicated enough to stick with it. I know all of them dream of that gold medal. Can you imagine how proud you'd be standing there listening to your Country's National Anthem? All your friends, family, and total strangers back home cheering for you... it would be a monumental moment!!!
Well... I wish all the athletes good luck and a safe journey during their stay. I think about what most of them had to sacrifice to perfect their abilities in their chosen sport. /salute
The majority of them won't make it to the medals, but that doesn't take away the big C that they will show... COURAGE! It takes a lot of courage to follow your dreams. Whatever dreams we set for ourselves aren't without stumbling blocks and obstacles. Face 'em, tackle 'em, but don't ever give up.
Ok, did you hear music playing? Haha. Power to the Planet! Let's rock n' roll!
9/17/2000 01:36:04 PM |
° i am the warrior °
 |
