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° a diary of survival ° |
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vital signs ° |
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living colours ° |
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Saturday, September 09, 2000
Tell Me... NO. I'll Show You... YES!
Guess what I did??? Come on guess. I WALKED! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Okay, I didn't go far. But I did it. And I did it all by myself! Yeee-ha.
I told the nurses, "Please let me get up." I even begged. They said, "NO!" So when the doctors came in I asked, "Please let me get up and walk around." They said, "Kaycee you can't. You're still very weak, give it some time."
I said, "Watch me, I can do it."
Well, I was slow. And I only walked from one side of my bed to the other. It took a lot of concentration, biting my lip and pauses along the way. And, man did that zap my energy, but I did it!
Tell me No... I'll show you Yes!! You can do it!! It's done!!!
Now you can smile!
9/9/2000 03:24:57 PM |
° i am the warrior °
KCrazy Baby!
Woo-Hoo!! *dances you all around the room*
I remember some more things. Kewlio! Well, I'm still having some trouble in a few areas. I think I like my first thoughts on why I'm here, because if it was due to basketball I'd be Outta Here! You know it baby! Mah hahaha /wink
Wow!! Mom came loaded with stuff! Yikes! The staff wanted to know when the gift shop opened for them to browse around. Don't even think about it! Haha. I'm... I'm speechless! This is so awesome, but believe me your words are the greatest gifts you give me!
Thank you!!! {{{Hugs}}} Feel that? I'm giving all of you a KClose embrace. Now smile for me!!
Okay, I have to tell you I'm not the only KCrazy person around here. Is there a full moon or something? Everyone was cheering yesterday. Why? I'm glad you asked. I gained two pounds. Yup. Can you imagine getting excited over something that minute? Well they did, and it baffled me. They are definitely looney tunes! Well if the saying No Pain, No Gain is correct, then I'll be weighing in at my normal weight, ummmm... in about 3 or 4 days.
Je pense que je veux souhaiter a tout le vous a beau jour. J'espere que vous pouvez trouver un sourire pour donner un etranger ou ami. Vous allumez mon petit monde avec bonheur. Mon amour a vous mon ami. Sourire, je vous envoie du soleil. A fait votre piece juste pour s'allumer?
I hope I just said, in French:
I think I want to wish all of you a beautiful day. I hope you can find a smile to give a stranger or friend. You light my small world with happiness. My love to you my friend. Smile, I'm sending you some sunshine. Did your room just light up?
9/9/2000 10:14:06 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Friday, September 08, 2000
My mom is here! My mom is here!! Ack!! Someone help me, she's been hugging me to death. Haha.
Hmmm... I'm having trouble remembering her name, but she told me not to worry about it. It's weird, I know her but I don't know her name. I'm having trouble remembering a lot of names. Mom says not to worry to much about that either. I dunno what to think. I'm just really glad to see her.
9/8/2000 10:47:34 PM |
° i am the warrior °
**Note: These are Kaycee's words, written as she has expressed them. Kaycee has been suffering some confusion, as you will soon note. Anything listed in ( ) was inserted by the transcriber.**
Say "hey" to Jonathan. I told him if he didn't help me with my journal I'd /pounce him. He wiggled his eyebrows and told me that's the best offer he's had in a long time. Haha! I better not reveal my answer to him. Well, Jonathan claims he's a lowly resident, bustin' his butt for the fame and fortune. D'oh! He's also laughing at me. But I wanna thank him for helping me out this morning.
So it's Wednesday already (it is Friday, September 8, 2000, 0810 hours) and I have so many thoughts rolling around my head. It aggravates me to not be able to hold my pen. Just another form of independence snatched away from me for awhile. I'm smiling this morning though. (She does in fact have an engaging smile. Observatory personal note.)
I have to think what my thoughts are. Isn't that funny.
You know I remember suiting up for the basketball game. The coach told me he needed me to be the leader. When I step onto the court I tune out everything and give my full attention to the game. I know I was all over the court, hustling after the ball. Woop there it is! I was having an awesome game. I busted some three's and lifted my arm...Yes! Swish!
Then, I don't know, out of nowhere comes this huge girl. Bam, she hit me like a freight train and I went down. I remember my head crashing onto the court and little stars fluttering around. Then the lights went out and I woke up in this hospital. I hope we won the game. Jonathan doesn't know. I'll have to ask my mom. Where is she anyway?
Well, I'm pretty tired. I don't think I broke anything. I'm not sure why I'm even here. I'll be out soon.
9/8/2000 09:10:27 AM |
° i am the warrior °
My hand is shaking so bad I can't write. I'm too weak. I have to ask for help.
9/8/2000 07:58:47 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Thursday, September 07, 2000
*Kaycee was upgraded to Stable condition at 5 a.m. CST*
The following message was written by Kaycee and passed on to her grandmother.
She wrote: Tell Mom I love her!! I feel great. No worries. *Pretty Words*
9/7/2000 08:24:27 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Wednesday, September 06, 2000
At approximately 1 p.m. CST Kaycee suffered a seizure due to a blood clot. She is in critical condition.
9/6/2000 06:00:07 PM |
° i am the warrior °
Dear KC
What's the deal? Do I have Dear KC branded on my forehead or something? D'oh.
An intern came into my room to do the normal checking of all the gadgets, no big deal. He said, "You know Kaycee, I don't understand my girlfriend, she tells me I don't have time for her. Then when I do have time for her she tells me she's busy and I pressure her too much. What am I doing wrong?"
I told him, "Ummm hmmm... maybe she doesn't like your mouthwash! Haha, just kidding. Hey, I'm out of sync with my love advice, what can I say.
I got to thinking about my friend, Alex. I really miss him asking for my wacky advice about dating. Then I started thinking about CollegeClub, and being host of the Love channel. Man, I'm missing all of that. They should fire me, I'm sloughing off. Ack! I hope they don't though.
I never could figure out why people - complete strangers most of the time - sorta found me and would just sorta tell me their troubles. Mostly it was love problems. I love listening, and like I always told my friend Al, "Hey, my advice is free." Which reminds me, I'm missing /pouncing him. Actually I'm missing /pouncing everyone.
Grrrr... I want on the internet. I've tried swaying a few nurses and interns but they won't budge. I think I'm losing my KCat touch.
I'd be an awesome PR person. I keep telling everyone about these great websites I know. I said, "Hey, you need to check out CC. It's an awesome Community geared for College students. Tell 'em the bald kute one sent you. Which, by the way, is not
bwg!
Oh well... I'M MISSING ALL OF THEM!! /pounce/tackle/lick
9/6/2000 10:55:14 AM |
° i am the warrior °
The Art Of Being A Grandparent
My grandparents aren't used to seeing me so quiet, so they decided I needed to be entertained.
My g-ma is a really funny person. I was trying to picture her as a kid. I've got a feeling she was a real tomboy. She said being the youngest and only girl around eight brothers she had to learn to keep up. She said if she didn't they'd all gang up on her.
Once, they convinced her to go down into the cellar and see if my great grandpa had any white lightening hidden there. After she got there, her brothers locked the door. She said it was hours before my great grandma found her, and boy, was she mad! She said she didn't feel to bad when her brothers got a good switchin'. Ack!
I wasn't feeling too well. I pretty much ache all over. Sorta like you feel when you have the flu, but intensified. I guess I was grimacing a little and all of a sudden g-ma blurted out, "Kaycee Nicole, I'm trying to be good company. You should feel lucky, I haven't farted once yet!" I busted out laughing. She's too funny.
My g-pa told me I needed to hurry up and get back on my feet so he'd have a dance partner again. He decided to entertain me. I never knew he could sing so well. And he knew all the words to every song he sang. His moves weren't quite up to Elvis', but not bad either. He grabbed my g-ma and danced her around my room singing My Girl, and boy was he smooth! Woo-hoo!
But one song he sang brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. I thought, "That's what I wanna see and feel." When this is all behind me I'm gonna sing this song... loud and proud.
I can see clearly now, the rain has gone
I can see all the obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds - they've passed me by
It's gonna be a bright bright sun shiny day
Oh yes I can make it now, the rain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been waiting for
It's gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny day
Look all around there's nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead there's nothing but blue skies
I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is the rainbow I've been waiting for
It's gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny day...
9/6/2000 09:58:36 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Tuesday, September 05, 2000
Email For KC's Soul
Mom brought in a large stack of papers and gently set them in my lap. I asked her, "What's this? Did you write chapter one of a novel?" She winked at me and said, "I only wish I wrote as well as these wonderful friends do."
WOW!! It was all e-mail to me. I read each one. I laughed. I cried. I closed my eyes and said a prayer to thank God for these awesome friends who were filling my heart with love and strength. I feel so touched by their words. Some are my regular e-mail pals. Some are new. Some of them I know their names. Some of them I don't. All of them are special to me. If I could I'd HUG every one of them.
Mom printed out everything, even the e-cards. Patty, aka LeafQueen, sent an e-card that said *Sunshine for Today* and Travis at Texas A&M (Go Aggies!! is that right?) sent me an awesome e-mail that filled me with smiles. Smudgers and ntexas99 posted poems. What they didn't know was Footprints is a favorite of mine and I love the writings of Helen Steiner Rice. This was just a few of the many many many I received.
I need this communication. I can't even tell you what it means. Think about your life. You're out there having fun, coming and going, doing the things you love, hanging out with your friends, playing sports or just chillin'. Then *BAM* you're immobile, your whole routine vanishes, and you can't leave.
I know it's only temporary. But 3 - 4 weeks can be a really long time. Yikes!!
You know those books titled Chicken Soup for the Soul? Well I have the new version. It's called E-Mail for KC's Soul. You should run out and get a copy. Oh wait! Hmmmm... I have the only copy! And as the Church Lady would say, "Well, isn't that special." I'd smack her and say, "You betcha."
From one of my e-mails was this poem and message from BHSSwimGal. I was really, really touched. Thank you (to everyone).
Hearts of grand love,
Hearts of pure gold,
Your heart fits like a glove,
and love can never get old.
Your heart sings with grief,
But mine sings with love!
I believe that you will find relief,
from God up above!
You better Hold on Kace,
You can win this fight!
So put on a smile back on that face,
and fight with all you might!!
I wrote this for you!!
I know that it doesn't rhyme all the time,
but I did the best I could!
I am positive that you soon will return to your life,
and then everything will be all bright!
The sun will come out and the clouds will fade,
so don't you pout, little babe!!
Best of luck! I hope that I made you smile!! I love you!!
9/5/2000 09:47:14 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Monday, September 04, 2000
The Sun Shines Today
Woo-hoo! Thanks to some better medicine I actually feel like a human being for a change. I slept well, and I woke up smiling. There's a few reasons why I was smiling:
1. Mom was curled up in a chair next to my bed sleeping with a cover pulled up to her chin. She didn't look comfortable at all but she had the kutest expression on her face. Her head was tilted in this ackward position and a few strands of her hair were touching her cheek. A ray of sunshine seemed to spotlight her and I felt the peacefulness wrap me in it's warmth. I realised she always makes me feel wrapped in sunshine.
2. I have hope! I misplace it sometimes but it is always with me. Maybe when I lose it my friends silently rally around me and keep it alive. I dunno but I don't want to question it. It keeps me surrounded by the strength of love.
3. I'm being given the new bone marrow. My gift for continued life. I feel like God has scooped me up in His powerful hands and is holding me close. It's an awesome feeling. How can I explain it? My body is weak, but yet the spirit inside me is dancing and shouting from the skyscrapers. Yeee-ha! We shall be free!
I want to have this feeling forever. I never want to lose sight of it. I want to remember how it lifts me up and showers me with happiness.
I remember standing at the Lincoln Memorial not too long ago. The view toward the Washington Memorial was awesome. I thought about the speech Martin Luther King made about freedom... I have a dream! I can recite part of his speech. I wish I could remember all of it.
I have a dream too. It's a simple dream: Life, love and happiness.
9/4/2000 10:57:29 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Sunday, September 03, 2000
A Rough Journey
I don't want to read my previous entries. I think for my own sake I'd rather not dwell on or spend much time in regret over how I felt. Everyone tells me to write what I feel. Sometimes after I write what is on my mind especially if it's something not pleasant I feel guilty. I want every moment to sound poetic, but it isn't. I plunge to the murky abyss and the fear of it tries to pull me in. It's so easy to go there.
Today when I became sick I forced my thoughts to another place. Sweat trickled down my brow and I tried to grit my teeth against the pain. I told myself, "I can't let it win. I'm stronger. I'm stronger. I'm stronger."
Mom brought me some things to add to my Kaycee Collection. I have my Ty Hope Teddy bear from my friend Nika, A little fuzzy moose from my friend Nicole, pictures of Randy and Mabel, my bwg t-shirt, a mini basketball from my friends Michelle, Hannah & Amy, a lace angel holding my name in it's hand from my grandparents, a Kaycee keychain from my friend Nick, an autographed
poster from my special CollegeClub HQ gang, an autographed picture of my pal John (Halcyon), and my mom & sister made me a poster filled with pictures and signed messages from friends I went to school with.
My brother brought me his prize signed baseball. He said he wanted me to keep it and think of him when I needed to be strong. I tried to block my tears but when he squeezed my hand and I looked at him, his chin quivered a little. I couldn't talk I was so choked up. He may be my little brother, but one of these days he's gonna be a real lady killer. He has a big heart too.
I'm reading all the e-mail mom prints out for me. I cling to the messages of inspiration. They are the sunshine in my cloudy day. I'm overwelhmed.
9/3/2000 11:38:58 PM |
° i am the warrior °
I feel like hell. Mom, I need you.
I have no pride right now. I'm such a baby.
I was sick all night, throwing up blood, hurting from head to toe.
I don't want them to touch me when I'm so sick.
Where is my dignity? Stripped to nothing. The worst is yet to come.
I wanna fly away.
9/3/2000 10:49:00 AM |
° i am the warrior °
Rock It!
I realised there is poison being put into me. D'oh. I knew that, but until I actually stopped to think about it... I didn't think about it. You know what I mean. Poison to kill poison.
I'm having trouble eating. Shoots my gaining weight theory all to heck. I keep trying but my stomach is revolting. Then today I got the chills so bad my teeth chattered and my body was shaking. I guess the chemo is beginning to kick my booty. Mostly I'm just tired. I'm not used to being so inactive. I guess it's one of the harder things for me to accept. I keep trying not to think how much I'm missing playing basketball.
What's even harder is I used to be good at it. I'm wondering how two months ago I could score 40-some points in a game and now I'm hardly able to hold myself up. It's amazing how quickly things can change. But, I know what it means to scrap and fight. I remember how we'd huddle up and yell, "Rock it!" then come out blazing the court. I miss that.
I'm going to be here for at least 3 weeks, maybe longer. I'm having to rely on others for everything. The independence I once had has been stripped away and I'm missing that too. It's all a small price to pay to get better though. I'm learning.
Mom brought me some e-mails she printed out for me to read. In case you're wondering how this is coming to you, here's the run down. I write in my journal, someone makes a copy of the entry, mom takes it home, types it in an e-mail and sends it to Randy (bwg). I love him. He's the bestest, right along with my mom.
When mom can't be here someone else will send her an e-mail and it gets posted. Kewl huh?!
So for old time's sake... ROCK IT!! Now I'm smiling.
9/3/2000 01:22:27 AM |
° i am the warrior °
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